With God All Things Are Possible: My Journey Through Breast Cancer

Full Brain Radiation......I Look Like Robo Cop lol

2012-01-19T05:29:00.000-08:00

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Mold of My Head

So I apologize for droppin that last bomb on people and then not updating until now. Seems like I've been a little over-whelmed with life lately and how drastic things are changing but no worries I am trudging ahead. So as of today 1/18/2010 I have 3 more full brain radiation treatments to go.....YAY! They are then going to wait a week or two and do another MRI of the brain to see how the radiation has worked.....or in other words to see if the tumors have shrank at all. Since my last post I have been doing full brain radiation treatments every morning...and If u know me then u know I of course had to take pics to maybe help people understand what exactly they do in full brain radiation. First they have to make a mold of my head and for all you ladies and even men who have had a paraffin done one their hands or feet that is kind of what it feel like when they mold the plastic to your face. Here's a pic. Now you may ask why they have to make a mold of my head...why can't I just lay down on the table since we know all the radiation is going straight into my brain......have no fear...I asked that question and they said it was because they wanted to double check that my head didn't move and since we r dealing with such things as radiation...I agree lol.
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Me and The Mask Bolted To Table...Get A-load of that Nose lol

So every morning I get up and I try and worry less, which I know sounds crazy and I try and remind myself that God's got this....he has promised to hold my hand and I can feel him...literally....I know he's there and I pray and I head to radiation and it only takes about ten minutes. The first day freaked me out a bit and if u look at this next pic you will see why
...because not only do they have u in a mask they also bolt you down to the bed...like something from saw. When the radiation begins it smells like burning plastic and the first time I heard it I swear the first thing I said to my self was "I swear if I die because this plastic burns into my face when I get to the pearly gates I'm having God send me back because I"m haunting EVERYBODY!" lol ..but luckily I"m still here and the smell is just a common side effect of those receiving full brain radiation so I've come to expect in my day to day treatments.
Another part of the radiation is that well its going to kill my hair follicles on the hair and has already begun to do so but I'm hoping to keep my hair as long as possible. Hoping this second time might not be as bad as the first.
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Just Me After I Finished A Morning Round of Radiation

But if you've ever lost your hair you may have experienced this but your hair actually hurts when it dies...so many evenings I lay on the couch with a extra large ice pack on my head to freeze my hair follicles because when my hair moves it actually hurts because the follicles are dead...its CRAZY!...sorry I dont' have a pic of that....lol....that will be my next project.

OK so onto our next line of treatment. My oncologist has started me on what I light to call a "light" chemo...if that even exists. We started today and its called Herceptin. I did it IV when I was in nursing school and tolerated it rather well....so my prayer is that I will do that same again. I am also taking a medication call Tykerb 5 times a day and as soon as the radiation is over I will also start on a pill call Xeloda. If you know me then u know I HATE taking pills so this is nightly struggle for me but I do as I am told.
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Me and My 2 Favorite Oncologists :)

Proverbs 4:27 Equilibrium. Balance of the heart and mind and passions. To set out boldly in the winds of life and circumstances and neither bend nor falter. Plant your feet solidly on the Rock. Let the winds blow about you with all their force. They have no power to harm you, for I AM your Rock. I AM your anchor Let Me be your peace, your power, your stabilizer. Bend neither to the right nor the left but receive your balance in Me"

Ready or Not Here Comes Cancer

2012-01-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

I have sat here for about an hour trying to figure out how to start this newest and probably most difficult blog post I have ever had to write. I hate having to tell bad news and I hate the thought of anyone being upset but like I have always said I feel like God has me on this journey for a reason and if some how my journey can help or positively affect someone by showing the grace and mercy of our Lord and Savior then I will do it. And so with that here goes nothing........it is with the heaviest of heart that I have to reveal my latest diagnosis of Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer.
To make a long story short.....I will tell you that it all started when I had to pull over to the side of the road on Christmas Eve while driving with my nephew because my eyes were bothering me. I have been seeing what many call "floaters" in my eyes for months now....however, these are very common symptoms of migraines but on this particular night the "floaters" I saw completely took over my vision and by the time I pulled into a neighborhood and parked the car.....I blacked out. Thanks to my "hero" and amazing nephew who flagged down some residents of the neighborhood and then called 911. I was then transported by ambulance to a local hospital where a CT scan was done on my head and 3 lesions were discovered. One on the occipital lobe, one on the cerebrum, and one on the frontal lobe.

I was then transported to another hospital that had neurologists that could see me. So by the time I got settled into the hospital it was almost 5 am on Christmas Eve.....but as always we made it eventful.....
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A funny pic that my Fav Nicole Took of Me :)

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Me and My Amazing Niece Kailea...We r Rock Stars!

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Canister Full of Radioactive Dye....FANTASTIC! LOL

Later on in the week I had a PET scan of my entire body and met with my oncologist. The news he gave me was a little more than what we were expecting. For those that don't know during a PET scan you are injected with radioactive dye out of a canister and I of course had to take a pic......and the dye lights up in your body where there is active disease. Unfortunately... along with the tumors in my brain there was evidence of active disease in my liver, my hip, my tail bone, and my sub-sternal lymph nodes (lymph nodes that run down next to your trachea)

While yes I try to always find a way to have fun with it all I would be lying if I told you I was not still in shock and trying to process how just last week I was stressing about where I wanted to apply to finish my Bachelors in Nursing and this week.....I am contemplating what my life may now begin to look like. The good and bad things about having cancer previously is that I have a great support system of cancer posse and survivors to turn to but I also know what life battling cancer looks like and I know how difficult the journey I am about to embark on is going to be. A friend sent me this verse this morning and it was so perfect to how I feel
" I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and He heard me. He set me free from all my fears." Psalm 34:6
So the plan for now is this......I am to start full brain radiation in attempts to shrink the tumors TOMORROW. I dont' know how I feel at this point....I feel like I am still processing the major shift my life has suddenly taken. But I know I will wake up in just a few hours and I will do my best to face tomorrow with the peace that my God has promised me that surpasses all understanding. Am I afraid YES....but do I still trust in my never failing, ever lasting God....YES and do I believe in miracles and the healing power of Jesus....YES! I am also starting on two different chemo pills, Tykerb and Xeloda....a whopping 11 pills a day....EXCITING STUFF! lol. I am also going for a bone scan on Thursday and praying for good results :)
Some have asked if I will be doing IV chemo and radiation but my oncologist has explained that you can not do IV chemo and full brain radiation at the same time because it can cause you to go toxic. So for now we do one thing at a time and we will start with the brain...doing 15 straight days of Full brain radiation followed by a MRI to see if that radiation has shrunk the tumors and then we will move on from there.

I know God has heard ever scream and caught every tear I have cried over this past week because believe me I will be honest and tell you there have been many. To say I have an amazing family and friends who have sat with me, cried with me, listened to me, and just been there for me would be an understatement. I will never EVER be able to repay all the love I have seen over just the past week....but I will spend my lifetime trying to repay it.

Listening and Waiting

2011-12-06T12:41:00.000-08:00

So in my mind I had already written this post......I laid out for myself how I was going to write without sounding too sad that I had cancer again on my other side. However, the Lord works in mysterious ways and he had another plan. To explain the whole situation let me take you back a few weeks ago.

I of course had to take my normal Kung Foo Fighting Pic before my Mammogram lol

I had just gone in for my routine 6 month mammogram and was thrown for a loope when I was told I was also scheduled for my routine MRI. You see I HATE MRIs because I am highly chlosterphobic and so putting me in a hole for almost half an hour tends to freak me out. I tend to deal with it better if I cry and freak out about it at home so by the time I get there I've pretty much worn myself out....pitiful yes....but did it work.....you bet it did! lol
Well a few days after the MRI I got a call from the radiologist saying that a small area had shown up on the MRI on my remaining left breast. So I immediately knew what that meant......a MRI biopsy....aka "worst fear"! I know many out there who read this blog and know many others with cancer probably may not realize the pain and suffering that goes into the tests doctors perform on us to determine if we have cancer. One of the worst I can think of is bone marrow biopsies and liver biopsies....they are extremely painful. With an MRI biopsy they not only put you in a hole while your face down....they then proceed to jab a needle in your chest filled with lidocaine, which by the way burns like non-other, and then if you move they have to start all over again. The whole process takes about 45 minutes and for me is torture. I prayed, I cried, and I talked to my most amazing friends, nurses and family about it until I was blue in the face and I agreed to do it. I gave myself enough benadryl to make me too tired to cry and then I took some valium so pretty much I was a walking Zombie but by the grace of God I can say I made it through it. A few days later the radiologist called saying it was just scar tissue and that I was in the clear.
And then the strangest thing happened after I hung up the phone......I wasn't filled with happiness I was filled with so many emotions that all I could do was cry. You think to yourself...gah...you must be crazy. I felt like I had made the people I had told feel sorry for me when really there was nothing wrong.....like I had thrown a pitty party for myself and I was sick about it. And you see.....I want to have reconstruction at some point and I have contemplated letting them take my other breast but if you've never done it let me tell you that giving permission for a doctor to cut off a part of your body is a heartbreaking thing to do and I felt like I needed a sign.....and for me I was going to take this new situation as God's way of telling me that I needed to have the breast removed and now I didn't have a clear sign anymore and I felt like I was lost...AGAIN! Cancer is a funny and horrible thing.......you let them cut you and then you agree to let them cut you again to fix what they orginally cut in the first place. It leaves you confused and wondering which way to go.
I've finally reached the point where I can look at the myself in the mirror and see the slash that goes across my chest where a breast once stood....however...I don't look for long because my heart breaks all over again. I've said it before and it still stands true...I can't wait for the day when I see my savior and he makes me new.... and fixes what cancer has taken from me. I'm in a weird place......I want to feel like a woman again....but I don't want to be cut on. I want God to sit down with me in person.....I want him to clearly tell me what to do.......but you see that is probably my problem......in all the words I have just typed I have just typed the words "I want". And the truth is I need to just sit and listen to what he wants. I am kind of fearful about posting this because well one of my biggest fears is people just being there because they feel sorry for me. I've had it happen and if you've ever been sick I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. So let me say this while what I went through wasn't the easiest thing ever there are people that have it worse......people's whose suffering is waaayyy beyond mine or anything I can imagine. But I've learned that its ok to admit that what you are going through is tough even if there are those that have it worse. I think this quote says it best "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain". While for some I know the storm may not be from cancer but I know that life can sometimes seem like all its doing is raining down on you. In those moments I always think of a song from casting crowns that is based off of Psalm 121 and its says "I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from, my help comes from the Lord the maker of Heaven and Earth"
Like I said in the beginning the Lord works in mysterious way and his thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways not my ways and so for now I will sit and listen to the one voice I need to hear above all others.
"I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands." Psalm 31:25-15
Oh and one last thing...when you say your prayers tonight would you say one for my dear friend Karson and her Husband Jason. She is in the Young Cancer Survivor Group that I go to and has been battling metastatic breast cancer for over 2 years and after too many surgeries she is having to do chemo again....UGH! I tear up just talking about her...she and her husband are two of the sweetest and most humble people I have ever had the priveledge of knowing. :) Check out her CaringBridge blog! :)

We Love Smores! :)

Me and Karson

Also I have a few other friends who are battling reoccurrence Mandy and Leslie. Here we all are at the cancer camp we went to in Colorado.

Oh and my sweet friend Morgan who I met through my blog she is only 19 and battling breast cancer.

Race For The Cure :)

2011-11-14T18:57:00.000-08:00

So we recently had the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure and Buddy's Race For The Cure and WOW looking back on the pictures what a difference a year makes. I am beyond grateful for another year to celebrate survival with those I love. I am also so blessed to have people come out and show their support at the race. You know when you really think about it no one is obligated to be there for you when you're sick. No one HAS to call you, or send letters, texts, emails, facebook messages, etc. And the fact that people actually do this really blows me away and well brings tears to my eyes.....God has truly blessed me. And now that that teary moment is over (lol) here's some fun pics from the race :)

Stretching Before the Walk lol

Me and Chemo Bear :)

Team Keep HOPE Alive :)

Me and Stefani (Survivor Buddies)

Survivors and Our Survivor Co-Chair (lol) Lucilla

Your MAN Reminder

2011-11-04T21:37:00.000-07:00

So my friend had this posted on her facebook page and I just had to share. Hope it puts a little laughter in your day like it did mine. Oh and if you have an iphone there's even an app to go along with it....lol :)

1st Hair Cut

2011-09-20T18:04:00.000-07:00

I also had another milestone in my cancer journey....I got my first Hair Cut. My sweet friend Chris cut it for me and it was a special moment. Its been almost 2 years since I've had my hair cut and I will say you don't appreciate things like a simple hair cut until you dont' have the hair to cut. It's a small victory in the battle but you celebrate the small things and that is what I try to do. I am so thankful for sweet friends that will take the time out of their day to give a simple, yet amazing hair cut. The one thing I thank god the most for is having the ability to roll down the window on nice fall days, turn my music up, and let the wind hit my HAIR and not care that's its gonna mess it up. God can teach you so much from the little things in life if we just take the time to listen :)

My Friend Chris and I

My Attempt At Trying to Show my Hair Cut

Michael Jackson Called He Wants His Glove Back ;)

2011-09-20T18:03:00.000-07:00

Well I realize that I have officially been the biggest slacker of them all when it comes to updating my blog. So far life has been moving along at a pretty fast pace and sometimes at certain points I forget that I was ever sick. However, chemo and cancer being the two trouble makers that they are.....have made it so that I would not forget about them that easily. About six months ago I began to notice that I was having some swelling in my hand on my "cancer side". I tried to ignore it because well honestly I flippin hate going to the doctor....it takes up my day and is kinda depressing because its a reminder that well I've had cancer. So all my ignoring came to a halt when I looked down at my right hand one day and noticed you could not longer see the tendons in my hand like you could on my left hand and that I had no knuckles when I bent my hand. I figured at this point that I should go see the lymphedema doctor that I had been to before. So after a quick examination of my hand and some
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"Fat Hand" as I call her is on the Left

measurements of my hand and arm she told me that the slight case of lymphedema that had one just been in my arm had now moved to my hand. So for the past couple months we have tried different wrappings that were ineffective in treating the lymphedema in my hand. For those that do not know what lymphedema is, it is caused when your lymphatic system is compromised. With me the compromise in my system happened when I had 20 lymph nodes removed over less than 1 year in 2 different surgeries.
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"No Kuckle Fat Hand" lol

Your lymph system serves as a filter for your body and so when you do not have the nodes anymore to filter the lymph or "dirt" like i think of it, the lymph backs up in your body and for me it has gone into my hand. Believe me I know it could be worse but as 26 year old woman it is beyond frustrating having your hand wraped up swollen and hurting all the time. After a few weeks of unsuccessful wrappings that did not decrease the swelling the doctor determined my hand was not edematous (filled with fluid) like most people but was actually fibrotic scar tissue, which is alot more difficult to fix.
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Attempt #1 at Being Like Michael Jackson

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My Michael Jackson Hand lol

As you can see they have tried a few different wrapping techniques.....which are all fine and well until you try and wash your hands....and oh wait...U CAN'T! The tape you see on my arm in the above picture is called Kinesio tape which is designed to pull at the lymph vessels, which are directly below the surface of the skin, and help stimulate the lymph vessels to help move the fluid out of my hand. They have also put the tape across my back and side because they was also fluid collection there too. Who knew messing with your lymph nodes could cause such problems??? I would have posted pics of the tape on my side and back but I decided that I didn't wanna scar people with those kinda pics...lol...let's just say I never miss breakfast lol ;) So for now I have an awesome looking glove and sleeve that I wear that looks alot better than all these wrappings......it was only about $500 for the set.....thank you Jesus for insurance! So why there are reasons for me to be frustrated I try and stay positive. My hand is a constant reminder of the battle I have fought but its just a glove on my hand and if that's all I gotta wear at this point I'll take it and pray for peace in my day to day frustrations. After a while I have found humor in it all...for example...almost every old person looks at my hand and asks if I have arthritis and before I can say "no" they start asking where they can get an arthritis glove like mine...lol. Needless to say I have found a way to keep the conversations like that to a minimum...and they go a little like this
Customer: Oh wow...is that an arthritis glove?
Me: well......
Customer: me, my mom, and my sister all have arthritis and I'd love to have one of those
Me: well actually my hand just swells sometimes so its a compression glove...
Customer: Oh u mean like from carpal tunnel?
Me: Well no...but you know you might check your local walgreens I hear they have great selections of arthritis gloves
Customer: oh wow..thank you
Now that ladies and gentlemen is the way to stop the conversation b/f they tell the rest of their life story lol
At first I was frustrated with the way every customer asked me what happened to my hand...my favorite line was always when they asked if I'd burned my hand??? I'd say no but think to myself "well if I had burned myself I appreciate how you drew attentions to it but asking me lol". You gotta love working with the public they are sooo entertaining. But you know God has a reason for everything and if this glove allows me to share my story with one person and glorify God in it all then well that's ok by me :)

Awake To the Moments

2011-06-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

Seems lately I feel like I've spent a lot of time wishing parts of my life back. I miss my child hood days when I can't remember what I was even worried about....when my biggest fear was who was I gonna sit next to at lunch time or if the cute boy at school like me. Today seems so far from the simple days of my childhood.......I feel like the second I'm forgettin about one problem I'm thinking about another....wondering what life holds for me. I've had some lonely moments her recently and one of my bestest friends recently told me....your trying to do it all by yourself....you've got to give it to God. I know we all feel alone and this is definitely not a pity party for Sarah post because I know we all feel alone sometimes...no matter what your going through. I came upon this video today and read this verse in my devotions last night.....hope u enjoy :)
Matthew 6:34
"So don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today"

Mammograms, Ultrasounds, and Kung Foo Fighting...say WWHHHATTT!!

2011-06-02T20:06:00.001-07:00

So last week I went for my 1st mammogram and ultrasound since surgery. I had to take a picture of the biopsy table.....while its easy to see this as a sad place I choose to see it as a place where I was lucky enough, while on this table, to be surounded by amazing radiologists and during every biopsy a nurse named Lisa stood holding my hand...she is the amazing, wonderful, kind, and the most humble nurse anyone could ask for. Now keep in mind that the moment I see a needle tears come to my eyes..I've been known to make more than one nurse cry...I'm pretty pitiful...I'll admit lol.....but Lisa has cried with me during every moment......and I choose to be happy that even though I hate needles and biopsies I was surrounded by love during all of my ordeals :)

So back to the real story....the mammogram and ultra-sound were of course clear like they always are......and I was of course was relieved. However, I won't lie.....I don't really "trust" the mammograms or ultrasounds....the only time they have picked up something on the mammogram or ultrasound is after I found it! I will say I am so unbelievable thankful for all the people at KCBC....when I say anyone and everyone I meet there is always smiling....always so warm and caring to me and though I know I don't always say it...it means so much to be some-where that people genuinely care about patients...I try and remember their kindness when I am frustrated at work...I try and be to other what they have been to me...a blessing...a smile to brighten their day. So while anxiety ran high while waiting to go back and I did have some relief that everything was clear. I even had time to realize that my sumo robe made me look like a Kung Foo Fighter...don't you agree ha ha

Everybody was Kung Foo Fighting :)

I realize that I struggle with being afraid that I will live the rest of my life in fear of what the future holds. But then I think....doesn't everyone live like that in some way. Fear is a part of life.......but its trusting that this life is not the end that there's something greater after it...that there's a God whose bigger than anything I or you may ever go through. :) WOW...its easy to write....but harder to fathom. A friend that I have gained through my blog wrote me an email the other day....it moved me so much I have to share because its an honest depiction of some of the thoughts those who have had breast cancer have:

"As much as I KNOW God is in control of my life, I wish just once He would put skin on and sit next to me and TELL me OUT LOUD that He’s there. We put these masks on for others, but inside, it’s hard to find the why, the purpose, and the “rest of your life” in it all. Boy, I didn’t mean for this to sound down and dreary. But I want you to know that, in a world of people who say “everything will be fine” that there are those of us who understand the human side, those of who have been there, lost a boob, and look at that scare and wonder. . . ."

We all wonder...and I wonder if it will always be like this. Everyday I have to wake up and think I'm alive...God didn't want me yet....he has a purpose for my life.......I just have to choose to trust him and take it one day...one step at a time :) I hope everyone who reads this can listen to the video I posted below.......when I first heard thing song I was brought to tears..the chorus to the song says it all :) No matter what your going through I hope today you feel God's love and his arms surrounding you...no matter what the situation :)

"Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

Suffering and healing

2011-05-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

So there something I've been wanting to write about on my blog for a while now. I've had a hard time trying to figure out exactly what and/or how to say it...without sounding like a big ole complainer. But I feel like I could not have an honest blog about what its been like to go through breast cancer without writing about this. Many know that I had a right sided mastectomy last November. And for those that do not know what a mastectomy is...it means that my right breast was removed..........seems its alot easier when I use a big word to describe what actually was done.......b/c when I have to explain what that means many time I feel tears filling my eyes. At dinner recently with a close friend I had to explain to her what mastectomy meant......and it didn't matter that we were in the middle of a restaurant....the tears flowed freely between us both when the reality of what had happened was set on the table. The thing is thousands of women unfortunately have to have this done every year and I hate it...I wish there was another way. Everyone experiences it in different ways....for some they get it done....and move on....on just keep it to themselves but for others such as myself...it seems I can't get away from it. I still find it excruciating to look at myself in the mirror....I usually stand on my left side so when I see myself I will look "normal". I have a prosthesis or "foob" (fake boob) as I like to call it and it has helped alot to improve myself esteem. My only problem is that sometimes u can see it in tank tops.
I say all that to say this....I have found in the past few weeks that I'm angry. Almost like I'm angry with God.....but why? he didn't do that to me. I know in my heart God didn't create cancer. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit I have questioned him.......why couldn't this have waited until after I had children....until I was older...I mean why was putting my breast on the chopping block the only way. I combine my frustrations with having cancer twice and then have to bury my father and brother in less than 3 years. I feel like I am just waiting on the next horrible thing to happen...like I'm awaiting the next goodbye I will have to say to a loved one. Its all a little over whelming for me when I stop and think about it. I wanna feel sorry for myself.....I want pity...but most of all I want it to have NEVER happened. But the cold hard truth is that it did happened and the truth is no matter what age its unfair...plain and simple. I find the anger wells up inside me many times I just go to sleep to distract myself from the pain. I have been approved for reconstruction and in August after I graduate I plan on doing the first surgery. Though my head says "yea now you can get on the road to feeling proportional again".....my heart says "ugh...another surgery...ur gonna let them cut you AGAIN" For the type of surgery I need they will have to cut my back open and move the muscle to the front to create a breast. The thought brings tears to my eyes and a sickness in my stomach. Until August I am gonna be in deep prayer that I can come to a peace about this. My last surgery was so "unpeaceful" that I'd like to have a little less anxiety about this one.
After I have said all of that I say this......its times like these when I tell my God...my father...my friend....my frustrations that I feel like I understand the truth meaning of having a relationship with God....spending time with him........being honest with him and trusting that he knows what he's doing and he is with u....even in ur darkest times of trouble. I want everyone to know that no matter what you are suffering through at the moment know its ok to take time to grieve, to feel sorry for urself....its ok to just take some time for u. Do I think time has healed my wound...NO...but do I think Jesus can heal my wound...those physical and emotional YES! There will come a day when all the hurting and sadness of this world will be gone...though many times I wonder if that day will every really come. This week God gave me the perfect verse for all my fears:
Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain, All these things are gone forever"
I was also recently was given this bible verse and it really spoke to me and what I am going through right now....
1 Peter 5:10 "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you in a firm foundation"

If I Had My Life To Live Over by Erma Bombeck

2011-03-31T21:24:00.000-07:00

I was just sent this by a friend and loved it so much I had to share.......

IN honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck

(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle..

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later... Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's, more 'I'm sorry's.'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute; look at it and really see it; live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us...

26 years of Gratitude

2011-03-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

So recently I celebrated my 26th birthday. I can honestly say this year is dramatically different than any other year. Last year I was in the middle of chemo....hardly able to eat a meal. This year I was able to enjoy not one but two birthday cakes. WOW.....what a difference a year can make. There have been times I forgot what it was like to be able to just eat whatever I wanted on special occasions....b/c of the major stomach problems that chemo caused me and I found it funny that this year one of the things I was most grateful for was the ability to eat my favorite thing....ICING! It sounds so simple but when u loose control of things in your life you never really took the time to think about before....and then you finally get them back you are so appreciative for them.

My whole class at school threw me a surprise birthday party...needless to say when I walked into the room decorated with Cinderella, a table full of food and a projector screen playing "A dream is a wish your heart makes" the tears flowed freely. Just FYI in case you didn't know or realize I absolutely LOVE Cinderella...hopin one day to make my 1st trip to disney world to meet her. lol I know its crazy I'm 26 and love cinderella but I say it makes me smile and everyone has a kid inside them :)

Who am I to deserve this........I was and am overwhelmingly grateful for a classroom full of amazingly sweet people who would open their hearts and think of me on my birthday......its definitely more than I deserve and I could not thank them enough. I also got a night with some of my best friends...to just celebrate my b-day :) But the biggest thing that I was appreciative of on my birthday this year was.....my life. It almost sounds generic but after being told I have cancer twice in less than 1 year....I feel blessed to be alive. The results of my second round of tests could have easily been worse........but God was there and is still here. Did I have to loose a part of me to save myself...yes....but I remember God says he is with us to the ends of the earth. I mean even when Jonah was swallowed by a whale he could not escape from God......I know he walked with me, held my hand, and caught all my tears.....and this year on my birthday I give him the glory for giving me another year to live, laugh, and love. I hope this year I can do as much as I can for other...to show his love....to give back a some of the extraordinary love I have been show. :)

Pill Pill Pills...Can U Take My Pills

2011-03-13T20:14:00.000-07:00

So after my 2nd diagnosis and mastectomy....my doctors opted not to do chemo and to keep me on the Herceptin and have me begin to take a drug called Tykerb. The tykerb ended up having a $800 co-pay on it with my insurance (it was $3600 a bottle).........I was in shock when they told me that price! Fortunately I got on a patient assistance program that paid all of it for me...thank the lord. I started taking Tykerb right after my mastectomy....5 pills a day. Combine that with the other pills I take for hot flashes and my estrogen blocking pill and a pill for sleep...i was taking a total of 10 pills a day. Although I would much rather take pills than chemo it was a little over whelming for me. Well I finished the pills up a few weeks ago and for now my oncologist just wanted to "watch me" and wants me to continue taking my tamoxifen and hot flash medication. It's kind funny cause I'll tell people when I start turning red that I'm having a hot flash and many women will look at me like I"m crazy and I'll be like "no seriously I am" but it's obvious they don't be lieve me lol until I explain everything to them. I have told my doctor that I'm still pretty worried b/c when I was on meds to prevent cancer I was re-diagnosed and now they just wanna take me off those meds and "watch me"....I mean SERIOUSLY! I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm a little afraid of what could lie in my future. I know it's just satan toiling with my head but still he gets to me sometimes lol. I trust that God's got it under control but I'm only human and I fear the unknown....but when u think about it...its things that like that truly test and strengthen ur faith b/c I know I don't put my trust in stupid chemo....I trust my doctors of course...but I put my full trust in my heavenly father b/c trusting in the things of this world will only let me down......but having an eternal perspective makes everything clearer to me. So for now I'm happy to enjoy the sunshine and the snow :)

WOOO HOOO LAST HERCEPTIN!

2011-03-12T16:31:00.000-08:00

So I have celebrated many things in the past few months and one huge thing was my last IV herceptin treatment. It was a bittersweet thing and yet scary all at the same time. Beginning in Febuary 3, 2010 I began taking Herceptin as a part of my chemotherapy treatment every wednesday. In May when my chemo was over I started doing Herceptin every 3 weeks. This drug never really made me sick or made my hair fall out......it was actually not bad at all...which is kind weird for me to say that about any medication that has to do with cancer but really Herceptin never affected me. After I started school in september I would go after class and get my treatment and then head to work. So on January 20 2011 when I received my last treatment I realized what a big step for me it was. I went through and counted it and I have had 27 treatments of herceptin........27 times I have sat in that chair....27 times I have watched as new women came and sat down next to me......27 times I have sat in a room that to many may seem dark and many times I saw it that way....but I'm here to tell you there's a light at the end of the tunnel. You see I look at cancer and my treatments as small milestones. You celebrate every victory, no matter how small you celebrate....because life is too short not to enjoy it and laugh and smile as often as possible. That big treatment room held so many memories for me both good and bad. I've grown up in there in a way.....I'm definitely not who I was the first day I walked in there over a year ago........terrified of my first chemo treatment and what the future would hold. I could never have imagined what life would bring. For my last treatment a bunch of the nurses dress up in silly costumes and gather round you and sing "Hit the Road Jack"....I'm workin on gettin the video but for now I have a few pics. As they began to sing the song my angel nurse Jenny in her Regae outfit accompanied w/dread locks began to cry and of course I did to.....they were happy and hopeful tears......tears of the times we had spent together and hard times she had helped me through. You also get a "survivor" hat and of course my sweet mommie brought me a cake. Can't imagine how I would have gotten through this without her. As of right now my future is still uncertain.......but I know its all in the hand of my gracious and loving heavenly father who plans for me are bigger and better than any I can see. For now I press on......and have faith in a God who I know is the one true physician. :)

Agito Presents: "The World Should Know Her Name"

2011-02-27T19:13:00.000-08:00

Soooo "The World Should Know Her Name" event at the Knoxville Museum of Art was SUCCESS! If I could only tell you the outpooring of love I saw that night...it was amazing. I am not sure how much money was raised for Thompson Cancer Center's "Thompson Cares" fund which give money to those going through chemo for bills and other expenses....but I'm sure it was alot. :) I believe I was awe struck when while being escorted down the stairs I saw my picture hanging on the wall...it was one amazing night!

"The World Should Know Her Name"

2011-01-10T21:22:00.000-08:00

A while back I was invited to join in a project called "The World Should Know Her Name" which followed the journies of 20 breast cancer survivors. I quickly accepted....not knowing where my journey would lead. We had our hair (the little bit that I have lol) done alone with our makeup and then we were interviewed and photographed. The pictures and interviews are going to be on sale on Feb. 4th at the Knoxville Museum of Art from 6 to 10 pm. This even will be hosted by Agito, which is a non-profit organization. Proceeds from the art show will go to Thompson Cancer Survival Center's Thompson Cares Fund. Along my way I have met amazing women who individual story inspired and uplifted me and I am so grateful to have been a part of this. If you live in Knoxville I invite you to come by the Art Show on Febuary 4th....I believe in what Agito is doing and how they are using the true life experiences of all these breast cancer patients to not only raise money but raise awareness. If you would like to donate or get more information on Agito you can contact me or...just go to their website http://www.agitoinc.org/default.html Below is a poster displaying all other amazing women that will be displayed at the art show along with one of my photos.

Before the actual art show there is going to be a meet and greet where you can get more information on the Art Show and on Agito. That's gonna be on January 29th from 4-7 pm at the Cherokee Health Systems on Western Avenue...they will be selling wing and drink plates for $6 and there will be door prizes like a $100 walmart gift card. It's gonna be a good time....hope anyone and everyone can come.

New Treatment

2010-12-19T20:11:00.000-08:00

I apologize for taking so long to update everyone on the results from my pathology reports. So I have some praise reports and those are that the breast was not as diseased as the doctors feared, also the cancer is not in my skin which is pretty much the greastest thing ever! After hearing all these good things I began to get mad thinking "did I let them take my breast for nothing?" . However, I was reassured by the surgeon and my oncologist that I pretty much had no other option besides a mastectomy because I had already had radiation to that side and so surgically removing it was what had to be done. My oncologist now has me on a pill that works on my type of cancer in conjuction with my IV herceptin. He is not recommending chemo at this time.....he said "In my business more is not always the best policy" and I could not agree more. I am thankful for a doctor whose first reaction is not "CHEMO CHEMO CHEMO" but to actually look at other new studies and see what other options we have. He has consulted with head of the breast center at Sloan Kettering in New York and the treatment recommended at this time is a drug called Tykerb. While anything is better than chemo...the downfall of this pill that is I have to take it 5 times a day on an empty stomach. I am also experiencing nose bleeds with this pill like I did with chemo along with stomach issues and my prayer is that with God's healing power the nose bleeds and stomach problems will cease. So if u combine that with the other medications I'm taking for sleep, hot flashes, and an estrogen blocking pill.....that comes to a grand total of 10 pills a day and 70 pills a week. And to be honest its gotten a little depressing. Like I told Dr. Briggs....I feel like I have some sort of horrible contagious disease........which is kind of do except its not contagious. But I choose to press forward and manage to stomach all the pills down everyday. The emotional scares that the mastectomy has left behind has obviously has not changed but with each passing day I am able to with stand it a little more. The Jackson Pratt drain stitched into my side is the most annoying thing right now...I mean its always there and heaven forbid if u drop it......let's just say it ain't comin out but its takin u with it lol. Once it drain less than 20 milliliters in 24/hrs I can get it out and it's slowly getting there. But as they say patience is a virtue and God is teaching me that one day at a time. I will be honest with everyone I am frustrated and sometimes I burst out in tear for myself and all I feel like I have lost in such a short time and how mad I am that all this has happened. But God has in his own loving and graceful way reminded me of all I have..........do I have cancer YES but is it killing me NO! Have I survived YES! I may have scars but let's face it we all have scars whether those be internal or external and we all have battles and struggles that we are facing. God has chanllenged me to think of that in my times of frustration and to remember that as I serve others in my job and day to day life. He is also teaching me to understand that it's ok to mourn and grieve for myself. If i can offer anyone out there any advice it's some that I shared with one of my favorite nurses Jennie this past week and that is this.....It's ok to admit that your weak...No one expects you to be strong all the time.....though it may seem like at times God doesn't understand believe me that he does....tell him how u feel he knows ur human and he knows u can't do it all alone that's why he's there....I have to remind myself that although he may sit at the right hand of God.....he was once human like me and with stood more pain and torture than I could ever imagine. While I know my battle is not over for now I choose to believe there is no more cancer in my body, there will be no more cancer in my body and I am healed. Day by day I know he is healing me.......though I may be weak he is strong and knows my heart. Thank u for all the prayers, cards, gifts, good thoughts and vibes, etc. I am undeserving of the love I have been shown and forever indebted to u all. I only hope one day I can show all of u the love u have shown me in my darkest hour. :)
Below is a picture of an awesome cookie bouquet I received :) Along with a few funny pic I've taken...I figure we could all use a little laughter.

FYI I was GI Jane for halloween...figured I'd play up the short hair while I have it lol

Post-Surgery Update

2010-11-28T17:54:00.000-08:00

Ok just to update everyone on my surgery. It went well...well as good as it could lol. The surgery took about an hour and a half. The nurse blew my first vein and so had attempt a second vein and the other nurse couldn't spell the medication I was taking....always entertaining ha ha...I mean u gotta find something to laugh at :). Before surgery was very difficult on me and I know those I love.....I had a hard time being calm enough to go back into surgery but luckily they have good drugs to aleviate my anxiety and keep me calm. :) My surgeon, Dr. Webber, did discover 2 new tumors,which would total 4 tumors, that were not seen on the MRI on PET scan. The tumors have to be sent to pathology to fully diagnose them as cancerous. And so with that I can say that I am very happy that I had the surgery sooner rather than later seeing as how there were new tumors that have grown in a 2 week period since my PET scan. After surgery there was a small party going on in my room lol. I had a big burst of energy that last for about 20 minutes and then I was out of energy lol. I have received more flowers, cards, and love from everyone than I deserve. As I sit here tears fill my eyes as I think of how loved and blessed I am to be surrounded by such wonderful friends and family. The days after surgery have their ups and downs. I am up and moving around and planning on returning to school tomorrow, god willing. The down part of my day really comes with moving my arm.....the pulling and ripping feeling I experience is not so much fun but I know I have to keep my arm moving so I don't loose mobility in it. As for my scars.....well at this moment they are more than I am able to talk about. I can only say that at this moment the verse Rev. 21:5 "Behold I make all things new" is a verse that I cling to. I long for the day when Jesus will come and make all things new and my scares will be no more but for now I am adjusting. We have to wait about 5 days or so for pathology reports to come back and we are praying and hopeful for good reports :) For all the prayers, encouragement, cards, flowers, etc that I have received THANK YOU.....I am undeserving and amazed at the love I have felt. :) Here are some fun pics we took before, during, and after surgery. :)

Surgery 102......The Next Step in Life's New Journey

2010-11-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

So the Surgery Date has been set for 10 am tomorrow at Baptist West. I know I'm just now posting a blog the DAY BEFORE surgery but that's because I just scheduled it on Monday. I obviously don't want to have the surgery and my head knows that its just trying to convince my heart that its something I have to do. I have struggled with it for almost a week and I knew that if I waited 3 more weeks till school was over I was giving the cancer 3 more opportune weeks to do or go where ever else it wanted to. As hard as my decision was (it actually wasn't even a decision it was just actualy scheduling the surgery that was tough) I know that I have not choice and I can't be stupid or play games when it comes to cancer. I am blessed enough to have friends who have called, texted, emailed, sent presents, cards etc. to me and just really listened to my fears about the whole situation. I wish I had enough money to pay everyone back for all they've meant to me but even then it still wouldn't show my gratitude and thankfullness for all of u. Though the road before me is uncertain I still choose to praise god through this storm and say blessed be the name of the Lord....I know he's with me through it all.

Here's a pic of me and few friends having a pre-surgery celebration.......I am so blessed. :)

Life's New Journey......

2010-11-17T13:34:00.000-08:00

In my last past I told u a small summary of what had been going on with me but I need to update everyone on the rest of the story. I apologize I haven't posted this sooner but the truth is I wish I had better news.....and telling people has been difficult for me. On the day I found out about my brother I also found a lump on my right side (which is the side my original breast cancer was on). I, of course, began freaking out and called the doctor and went in for an appointment 2 days later. But after my oncologist checked it out and determined it was definitely a new lump he sent me back to my surgeon who had me get it biopsied.   The next day I got a call from the radiologist saying that it was in fact a new case of cancer. This came not only as a shock to me but to the doctors as well considering the fact that I'm still on active treatment of herceptin every 3 weeks and I just had a clear mammogram and ultrasound 2 weeks ago and so was confident that this was just a inflammation from my scars from the last surgery . My amazing oncologist Dr. Briggs had it tested and determined that while my last cancer was ER + and Her 2 New +..........this new cancer is ER- and Her 2 New +. Well the problem with that is that I'm on herceptin which should prevent any new Her 2 New positive cancer from growing which obviously its not doing. Just a little back ground for those who may not know.....Her 2 New is a receptor specific to breast cancer and Herceptin is the newest and best drug marketed to treat it.
Dr. Briggs said he had never seen someone have a re-occurence of cancer which still on herceptin.....so of course like any normal person I"m at this point feeling like a "statistic". However, he reassured me that I am not a statistic and we are gonna do what is needed to try and fix this. I also had an MRI done of my chest and the cancer did not show up on the MRI...which means that cancer isn't acting like "cancer", which is obviously a problem.
The next and biggest problem to us is that my right side has been swollen for almost 2 months from lymphedema....so much so that all I've been able to wear are compression tops, it was the site of my last cancer, and now its the site for the new cancer.
My oncologist gave me all of this information so that of course I would be informed but also because his recommendation that we feel is gonna be the safest thing for me to do is a right sided masectomy. As he said those words to me I felt like I'd be hit with a ten-ton of bricks.   It was obvious that as hard as that was for me to hear.........it was also difficult for my oncologist to tell me. Through his watery eyes you could truly see a man who cared......a doctor who I wish everyone had. He asked me "Do you feel safe leaving the breast on".........and the truth is No I don't but I'm terried at the thought of having a masectomy. He sat with me and my amazing friend Heather for almost 2 hours and let us ask questions and just think about what all he had said....I am so truly thankful for my amazing doctor. Yes women have masectomies done everyday and to some its not big deal but to me its like loosing a part of me and I can't explain the grief associated with it.
After waiting for almost a week for prior approval I had a PET scan to test to see if the cancer has metastasized any where else in my body which PRAISE THE LORD it has not. But another new tumor was seen, which mean that there is a total of 2 new tumors on my right side that have appeared in less than 30 days. So needless to say he wants the surgery done ASAP....like possibly next week. Also, a new round of chemotherapy is dependent on the fact of how infected the breast is with cancer once its removed and biopsied. There's the possibility that it might not be full of disease but I'd be risking alot to keep it and take the chance that it is.  The thought of chemo is one I can't really explain either.......I'll just keep it simple by saying It's a scary thought and those who have gone through it or been with someone whose gone through it know what I mean.
While a masectomy "sucks"......it still isnt' the worst that could happen and I'm thankful for all the doctors that have taken care of me up until this point. You don't find alot of doctors that will call you from their cell phone to tell you your results on just sit with you in silence........for that I am beyond thankful. I would be lying if I said I wasn't upset, mad, angry, confused and so many other words. But I also still trust in a God that I know has my best interests at heart and knows and understands my pains and fears, a God who is my healer. It's in him alone that I trust during this uncertain time.
Trusting in His Grace Alone,
Sarah

Two Angels Above

2010-11-17T13:26:00.000-08:00

There are many times in the past week or so that I have wished I were 5 years old again and my biggest worry was who was gonna play with me at play time. But unfortunately we all must grow up and sometimes as I'm sure many people know we have things happen that we don't understand.....we don't see how the God we believe in could be involved in any way in the sadness we all have experienced at some time or another. For the past 2 weeks these have been just a few of my thoughts and questions. About 2 weeks ago I received a call saying that my oldest brother Brett had passed away....there aren't really any words I can use to express my grief or how my heart breaks thinking of the wife and 3 children he left behind. I love the picture of my dad, me, mark (left), brett (right), and brittany. It was taken almost 7 years ago on father's day in Cade's Cove....dad was soo excited to have us all together as

you can see by the smile on his face. A story about my brother that I never get tired of telling is when we all were together at the hospice center in Nashville during Dad's last days with us. We were all going to eat when I asked if we had everyone to which Brett replied "Everyone but Tator". "Tator"? I said.....u talkin about Channing....brett replied "That's a Big Tator" lol. Brett was witty and full of humor and once you got him goin it was all laughs. At his funeral a young man Thomas, a young man Brett and his wife adopted, got up to talk about my brother and read a letter he had written to him. It had to be one of the most power funeral speeches I have ever heard. Thomas told of never having a father figure around and how he had been to 5 high school in just the 4 short years high school lasts. He told of how Brett brought him to Thanksgiving with the family, moved him into his home and made him apart of the family, and then helped him enroll at college at ETSU. It was a powerful speech and I said whenever my time comes to go home to my heavenly father and just one person can get up and tell a story about how I impacted their life like Thomas told about how Brett forever changed his life..........then it would all be worth it. How proud I am of my brother and the impact he made on the world and on the lives of many before he went home. He had suffered and been sick for a while, as my father was before he passed away. And while my heart breaks that he's gone it rejoices that he is no longer hurting. I miss him and my dad more than any words I type could ever express. I'd be lying if I said I didn't question God or ask him why he'd taken two amazing men in my life.....why he had to have them RIGHT NOW....why he just couldn't wait. And he reminds me with his gracious love that his thoughts are not my thoughts....nor his ways my ways. I can't begin to understand his thinking but I have faith that it's all working together for my good. A picture that always makes me smile is when I imagine dad and Brett seeing each other again for the first time in so long and embracing and watching us all together from heaven. Now we have 2 guardian angels watching over us.....God bless my two brave men...I miss them so :)

Pink Heals Tour 2010

2010-10-20T06:16:00.000-07:00

One Inspiring Boy

2010-10-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

Here is some inspiration for those of you who may need some today. I came across this story of a young boy who won "China's Got Talent" show. He was involved in an electical accident when he was 10 where he lost both arms and what you will see I hope will show you no matter what your situation God can use you and he has a plan for you. :) I know some of the video is in chinese but if you can just wait till he starts playing the piano and singing I promise you will not be un-impressed or un-inspired. Hope you enjoy this and it adds a little sunshine to your day.
Grateful for Each New Days He Gives,
Sarah :)

"What Love Really Means"

2010-10-05T20:18:00.000-07:00

Just a little video I felt led to share...hope it encourages you today as it did me :)

From Treatment to Therapy......

2010-10-03T16:53:00.000-07:00

So here's a little update on my actual condition:

I still receive my Herceptin treatment via IV every 3 weeks. Its not bad at all....I'm tired afterwards but my hair is coming back and it doesn't mess with my stomach like the chemotherapy did and for that I'm every so thankful. Here's a pic from my last treatment....I got bored and Jenny found a mask which I used for my latest character......CHEMO BANDIT!!! lol I also included pictures of me and my nurse Jenny acting Goofy at treatment. And me and my friend Kat who was nice enough to go with me to my radiation and treatment one day. We realized the best thing about treatment is.....the FREE FOOOD!!! :)

On another note I've been dealing with a slight case of lymphodema that developed in my arm a while back. I was able to purchase a compression sleeve and luckily it removed the little bit of fluid that had accumulated in my arm. However, the real problem began about a month ago after returning from my trip to Colorado. I noticed that my right side was no longer fitting into my bras and had become red, inflammed, and painful. I let Dr. Briggs look at it and he told me that it wasn't a blood clot (great....not really what I was thinking but I'm glad its not one lol) and he didn't think it was infected. He said it looked like the fluid from my arm had not accumulated into my right side and that was the reason for the swelling. 2 days later I went back to Marino Therapy Center for a few manual drainage sessions. You see when you have lymphedema its kind of like a sewer system that back up where ever your lymph nodes used to be. You dont' have that drainage system to help your body empty out the bad stuff like it once did. The fluid goes into your capillaries which makes it impossible to remove the fluid with a needle. You have to do different massage techniques to actually move the fluid back into the lymph capillaries that you still have in other parts of your body. It's actually quite impressive how your body adjusts when you take part of it away. Once you have been cut on as many people know you form scare tissue and for me it means that my arm is contracted every morning when I wake up....almost like I've been lifting weights. This just means I have to do regular stretching everyday to keep it stretched out and I do drainage techniques I have been taught that will help keep the fluid moving.

So about 1 week after my first few appointments with the therapy center I woke up to even more swelling and pain on my right side.......so now it was pretty obvious I had an infection. I started on antibiotics and 48 hours after beginning them I awoke with alot of difficulty swallowing. Breathing was not a problem but swallowing was very difficult to do. After calling the doctor they determined I was having a reaction to the antibiotic and within an hour of getting the steroid pack I could feel the swelling in my throat go down. Whewwww....so that wasn't so much fun but the good news is the infection is gone but the swelling is another story. I am going about 2 times a week for therapy and wearing a sports bra and tank top made of almost 50 percent spandex. You see the more pressure is applied to the area the better it helps remove the swelling. So we will see if this removes the swelling in a few weeks. If not there are other options but right now I'm praying this works....I'm just feeling a little lop-sided these days lol. Here the best pic I have of what my sleeve looks like....even though I have my eyes closed you can see my pink arm ha ha.

Thanking God for Each New Day,
Sarah :)

Just two little stories

2010-10-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

Well I wanted to share two stories with everyone the first is a funny story from class. The other day the teacher came in and announced that we would be taking our school picture Ids that after noon. Of course all the girls started freaking out because their hair wasn't done. I mean I usually wear hats to class and a few people know that its b/c I've had cancer....so I didn't really make any comments when every one started complaining about their hair. Then without thinking I let myself slip.......a girl sitting next to me takes her hair out of her pony tail and says "I haven't even had time to brush my hair this morning...its a mess" to which I said "Me with either.....dang my hair is messed up". Everyone burst out laughing and then there was an awkward silence. "Sorry didn't mean to make anybody feel bad I said...I"m just sayin...its just hair". In fear that I had just committed social suicide lol I did make sure the girls knew I was just making a joke and wasn't made of tryin to make anyone feel bad.And really my whole point in saying that was not for sympathy....it was just for girls to realize that hair is just that....HAIR!! And I hate that I've had to loose my to see that but even now that its coming back I can be honest and admit its still hard not to want to wear hats still cause my hair isn't long and flowing like all the other girls...but I'm slowly adjusting. :)

My second story is rather a hard one to tell but one I think I need to share. This week at work I got some devastating news from a customer and friend of mine. The woman I speak of we'll call "Jo" and she has been coming to the pharmacy almost as long as I've been there. We really got to know each other when I took a special interest in helping making sure her mother got the cheapest medications possible cause she was on medicare and couldn't afford many of her meds. Then right after I got diagnosed Jo was also diagnosed with brain cancer. She had tried many different chemo treatments and I was aware of the fact the doctors did not have much more they said they could do if these next chemo treatments she was getting did not shrink her tumors. So tuesday when I went into work and saw her sitting on the bench waiting on a script I went out to talk to her. She told me about her recent surgery and how they scrapeed some of the tumor off and relieved the pressure on her brain. She looked really great for having that kind of surgery and so I asked what they were gonna do now. She revealed to me an answer no one wants to hear. The surgery was all she had left and all they were doing now was keeping her comfortable.......the cancer had moved into spinal cord and was also on her brain stem...they told her she has only 6 to 8 months to live. And with those words my eyes filled up with tears as I reached out to hug her. Our embrace was not that of two strangers who only talked across the counter but now of two women who understood each other.....all I wanted to do was fix it and it was very apparent nothing I said or did was gonna change her prognosis and so all I had to give at that moment was a hug of love and of compassion. I dont' know if you've ever experienced talking to someone who has no more options.... There are simply no words......as there were for me...only tears because I knew there was nothing at that moment I could say. Jo looked at me and told me (the one who was gonna make it and be okay) that I didnt' need to cry she was too mean to die anyways lol. In her time of need she was thinking of me and of course that made me cry more.

So here we are middle of walmart on the bench with two lines of people waiting to get perscriptions and I am boo hooing like a baby. I got myself together and told her I would do whatever I could to help her. She takes care of her ailing mother and expressed concern over what would happen to her once she's gone......and of course I cried again at the thought of how I would feel if I were dying and there was no one to take care of my mother.

How do u talk to someone whose dying....I struggle to find the words. I know you can't put God in a box...but I would be lying to you if I told you it didn't make me mad that Jo's time here on earth may be done soon and that I haven't prayed and questioned God as to why some people who are mean and dont' care about anyone but them selves get to live and others who only think about others have to die too soon. I trust in God but my flesh makes me want to rely on myself instead of him. It makes me want things my way...instead of trusting in his good and perfect timing. And it makes me want to know "Why?" right now......not later but now....it makes me want it in my time...not his.

For Jo I want more time for her and want no suffering for her in whatever time she has left. I am making steps to help make this happen. People complain about the most trivial things in life and I know I'm just as guilty.....they don't feel good today....they feel fat.... their stressed over their wedding, job, pregnancy, etc......their hair looks bad.....they feel tired. I dont' say those things to call anyone out but to really put it all down on a level that will make you think.

I challenge you as I have myself to really think next time before you complain or get mad about anything. Think about whether what your mad about is really gonna matter when its all said and done. Think about how much you have to be thankful for...particularly the fact that you get to live another day. Life is so short and I feel like we all take it for granted and I hate that we have to see others struggle before we realize the blessings we have. Here's a little video that really speaks to me in times like these when I don't understand things and it helps me remember God's still with us :)

School and Such

2010-10-03T14:48:00.000-07:00

I've debated for a while whether to try and tell the story of what happened with me and school on my blog. And I've gone back and forth with it about whether it really comes into play with my cancer but after alot of thought and after it has continued to play out into the treatment I have decided to share the story. My hope is that everyone reads this and 1.)Never treats anyone one the way I was treated and 2.) Learns what I learned all too late: there are many people in the world who don't care about anyone but themselves and sometimes especially in programs like nursing you have to watch out for you and you alone because when it comes down to it the teachers really dont' care how much you care about the patients or how great of a nurse you are.....its all about numbers and the bottom line. But don't mistake the fact that while you do need to watch out for yourself it should never get in the way of helping others.

So here goes

Last Year as many know on May 25, 2009 my father passed away from leukemia. What you may not know is that I was enrolled at the time at Lincoln Memorial University here in knoxville and I was taking the OB class that summer and was scheduled to gratuate the following december. 3 weeks into the class was when I got the call that the hospital that dad was in major organ failure and the hospital had done all they could for my father and they were releasing him into hospice that day. He last about 72 hours before passing away. After wards we had to plan the whole funeral and deal with everything that comes along with loosing a parent all while trying to pass my OB class. By the time the class was over I was struggling with my dad's death and was having hard time studying and missed the 80 I needed in the class by 0.6 points. I had re-taken a class when I first started the program but was taking one class at a time to make sure I wasn't putting too much on myself while trying to do school and work and to assure my success in the program. I met with my teacher who initially acted like she wanted to help me only to say in the end "Maybe you need to do some soul searching"....my response was "I dont' need to search any where my father died....that's what happened".

I then met with the Dean of LMU's nursing program, Mary Ann Modercin, who told me that "Sometimes things happen to people like they get cancer and they don't pass our program and I really hate it for them but there's nothing I can do" and when I told her that the only reason I didn't pass was because my father suddenly died she responded with "Well also sometimes things happen to people that they consider important like their dog dies and they don't make it either.....and once again there's nothing I can do". Now don't think I didn't respond and question the woman on the fact that she just compared my father's death to a dog dying and it was at that point she tried to take back what she said and told me I misunderstood her.

My next step was the president of the school who was a very nice man and obviously wanted to help me. However, I knew the problem would arise once he met with the dean. It ended up I had send him a copy of my father's obituary to prove that my father actually died after the class began because the dean told him that he died before the class began. After weeks of giving him all the information he requested I was told that he met with the dean and my teacher and they were not willing to help me because they were afraid I wouldn't pass the class if I tried to retake it, which I knew was just an excuse they were making because it was pretty clear from their words and actions before they could care less what happened to me. The whole reason all this happened was because I was blind-sided by the death of my father.....if I had known that things were gonna go so down hill for him I never would have taken that class. Well needless to say I was depressed and awstruck about the whole situation. One semester from getting my RN and now I am forced to begin again.

Here I am tryin to finish my fight with cancer and I"m faced with a few heartless women and a program who is supposed to teach students to care for patients but have no compassion for the students they are trying to teach this too. I knew I only had a few options because once your in one nursing program....no other program in the state will look at you, though I should add the dean did tell me I could pack my things and go to another state and try there. So after much prayer I decided to step down a notch and enter a 12 month LPN program. When I graduate in August I will be allowed to redo my last year in the nursing program and get my BSN. Depressing, heartbreaking, failure are just a few words I can use to describe how I've felt. Having to re-explain multiple times the heartbreak and pain of my father's death tore me down to my very core. And I wondered what God's plan could potentially be for me in all of this. I can honestly say I hope no one ever treats these women like they have done me if they ever experience anything like what I have.

A good friend told me to remember that God puts us where he needs us to work and that I needed to remember to not look at this program as just LPN but to look around my class and look for those people who are interested in knowing my story and what I have been through and in that process I can share my faith with them and they can hear how God is working in my life and how amazing he truly is. That really moved me and has helped me not to feel sorry for myself and to see the good that can come out of all of this. He told me that his old coach used to tell him "God honors hard work" and I believe that too. I know what your thinking that guy's got some pretty good advice.....so I of course had to share it on here...sometimes it takes another person's point of view to really help you see the other side of things. I know other people have worse situations but people's feelings of failure are something that is universal and something we have all felt.

I chose to go back to school even though I'm still in active treatment with Herceptin because I wanna live while I"m here. I wanna be able to say I did more with my life than survive cancer and if your a survivor you can understand what I mean. Many times it seems like everything in my life revolves around cancer and it can be so depressing at times.

I started back school on September 1st and I work 4 nights a week and go to school 8 to 3 everyday. I can honestly say I'm exhausted but I feel better now than every because I feel like I'm taking some of my life back. Another friend of mine had a quote that I just love

" I'm reaping the harvest God promised me, taking back what the devil stole from me."
That's what I'm trying to do. I dont' want sympathy for my situation I just want people who are in worse situations or feel depressed like they are in a rut that they feel like they can't get out of....there is hope. People are always going to disappoint you and many times as I have seen shock you with their lack of compassion. Its only human nature to think only of ourselves and not of others. But I'm reminded how God is the perfect example of how we should be...he thought only of US when he came down to die and suffer for us and our sins.
Many times I sit and class and I can feel satan's hand come over me and tell me what a failure I am as I sit and re-do eveyrthing I've already done....how stupid I must be for not passing one simple class by 0.6. One semester from graduating and here I sit starting at the beginning. I do not know everyone's problems that may read this blog but I do know that there are many stuggling with the pain of feeling like a failure like I do. But I want to tell you....dont' listen to that voice. God has a plan for you even though you might not be able to see it right now. I'll keep you up to date on how this new journey God has me on is going....I know he wouldn't give me more than I can handle and he wouldn't lead me down a road that he wasn't walking with me on. I also found a video that I found went right along with this post. It's about a young woman who is an abortion survivor....it's an amazing story......and it made me realize that God really does have a plan for everyone....even the tinny little babies. Watch the amazing story and consider the things in your life where your not sure how God can use you or what your purpose in life is. After watching this I hope you'll see that everyone including yourself has a plan for their lives.....God's always had a great plan for your life.

Finishing Radiation

2010-09-26T18:11:00.000-07:00

Well I know I am officially a slacker. Seems like life has gone into fast forward these past few months. So I finished radiation June 28. Which was actually a day earlier than I thought I was gonna finish so that was awesome. I did however get extremely burned my last week of radiation but as far as fatigue goes I can't really complain about it. The people at radiation were amazing and always in a good mood. I don't know that there enough words for the nurses and doctors that work in oncology offices. To me they are angels and I am sooo thank ful for them. You'd think when I was done with radiation that I'd be over whelmed with joy and dont' get me wrong I mean I was happy but after leaving radiation for the last time my emotions got the best of me and I broke down in the car. Radiation was pretty much a cake walk compared to chemo....well actually any thing is a cake walk compared to chemo lol. So to celebrate I went out to eat (and yes u guessed it we ate SUSHI!! lol) and celebrate with a few close friends which was awesome.
It's funny how God puts people in your life at just the right time and just when you need him. He truly is an all knowing and understanding God. Here's a pic of me on my last radiation day....not that great of a picture of me but I just love the staff at Dr. Patel's....they are amazing :)

There Once Was a Girl..........

2010-09-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

There was
a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She
hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see
the world, I will marry you.'

One day,
someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages
came off, she was able to see everything, including her
boyfriend.

He asked
her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The
girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The
sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected
that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life
led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her
saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before
they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat..

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven..

Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your
job..

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still
around.. :)

LIVE STRONG

2010-09-05T19:16:00.000-07:00

These Boots Were Made for Walking....ON CANCER!! :)

2010-07-06T19:40:00.000-07:00

Relay for Life 2010

2010-06-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

I went down friday to check out Relay for Life because I had never been to one before and it was AWESOME! I hope next year we can have a team and stay all night because I think it would be awesome. They announced our names and we all got medals and a free T-shirt. Everyone might not feel like me....but I'm just sayin after getting a medal I'd say all this cancer stuff has been worth it.....ha ha lol j/k. The picture to the above here is of my awesome friend Jenny, Me, and Stefanie :) But any ways I was smart enough this time to remember my camera takes video so here's some pics and a video of the Survivor's Ceremony :)

And then there's me and my awesome medal! lol

Below is me and my friend Latoya :)

Just Me and Stefanie...I am truly blessed to have met her :)

My 15 Minutes of Fame :)

2010-06-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago my mom and I went to the Smokies Baseball game. I had never been before and it was Pink Ribbon Night....so I thought what a perfect time to go! They said they were having something special for the survivors before the game started. I signed up at the survivors table and was informed that they were taking us all on the field. Now I was thinking maybe I might get a T-shirt....and for those of you that know me you know getting in front of people is not my thing. So I politely told the lady that "Oh I don't have to go on the field." She told me all the survivors were gonna go onto the field and that I shouldn't be nervous it wouldn't be bad. So just like he always does God gave me exactly what I needed because it was no more than 2 seconds later I felt a tab on my shoulder. And who else would it be but my friend Rhonda from my young survivor group.

All my nerves were eased at that moment when I realized there was someone else I knew there........u know everything goes better with a friend and Rhonda pretty much rocks so it was perfect....God always had perfect timing! So here we all go onto the field.....next thing I know here comes the Smokies Baseball Team with pink roses in their hands along with some hugs to go with it ;) We all get an applause and then the lady in charge asks me if I want to throw the first pitch of the game. "I was like no I'm ok". But then it occurs to me "How many times am I gonna get to throw the 1st pitch at the smokies game??" So here I go out to throw the pitch and the announcer says my name and that I'm a survivor and as he said that something happened that I wish I had on video.......the crowd stood up and clapped for me! WOW....a standing ovation...now there's something I'll probably never see again.

Needless to say....I began to cry there in the middle of Smokie's Stadium.....but let me now say this: The standing ovation I received was not just for me but all survivors....for those who have and are still fighting the battle against breast cancer. I truly wish they all could have stood out there with me when I received the standing ovation because it wasn't just for me....it was for US ALL!!! :)

Breast Cancer Commercial

2010-06-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

Radiation 101

2010-06-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

Well I figure its time I update everyone on the next step I'm taking in my journey. I started radiation about a week and a half ago. The doctor let a few weeks go by between my last chemo and radiation because he wanted me to have some time to recuperate. I went in for my first pre-op day, which is where they situate you on a table in the same position you'll be in every time you come and they begin to "draw"...LITERALLY!!! The "drawings" are so they will know where exactly the radiation will hit you, they said they dont' wanna hit my lung.....yea that would be great if you could avoid that!! lol. However, they have told me there is no way to totally avoid hitting my lung completely and that if I ever have any scans done a part of my lung will look different and that's "normal". So here I am laying on this table and they begin drawing all over me. Next thing I know they got a camera in my face....and its my time to shine lol. Upon seeing the camera I say "You guys gonna send these pictures to playboy" lol.....of course I was kidding but it broke the ice and made everyone laugh. Next thing I know they tell me some therapist man is coming in to check the "drawings". "Hello" I say, of course let me put in here I'm unable to move at this point and I've never met this guy until now. So I"m like "Guess we're on more than speaking terms now".....lol. I mean I feel like if I can't laugh I'll never get through it. I call my port "Annie the Alien" and now that I have all these marking on my chest my friend Miranda told me its Annie trying to communicate with her home planet lol.
So after drawing up a plan for me that includes physics and a whole bunch of other stuff I dont' understand I started the real radiation about a week and a half ago. Besides the fact that my chest looks like a kid has drawn on me everything seems to be going well. Below is a pic I took of myself after my 1st "drawing".

Just like my hair being gone I am adjusting to the looks from the red markings on my chest because they are almost impossible to hide in most of my clothing. It's so crazy how much I realize how much I care about what other people think or how they are looking at me. I've gotten better and to the point now that I wear a tank top if its hot and if people look then they do, it doesn't mean I'm a freak its just not something you see everyday and if I were them heck I might look too....I might not STARE but I'd probably look...it's just human nature. I had a lady at work ask me what happened to my chest one day, to which I replied....."I had open heart surgery yesterday"........"Gasp".....I told her I was kidding but they look on her face was priceless LOL. Heck I'd rather someone just ask me.....it almost helps me to deal better with it sometimes if I can just openly talk about it. I expect the exhaustion to come but I"m enjoying the time I have of feeling "normal" again....if there really is a true "normal". It was weird not having to go to chemo last week.....I almost felt like something was missing but they I'm not gonna beg for more if you know what I mean. I thank God for my good days and for all the friends and support I still have. I find I love God more and more everyday and I'm so thankful for things I used to take for granted. I'm looking forward now hand in hand with a God who has held me through it all. :)

Healing is in His Hands

2010-06-06T20:27:00.000-07:00

I heard this song this morning at church and it moved me to tears about the healing powers of our lord Jesus who has healed me :) and I just had to share it with you all...hope u enjoy

Jack Black "Breast Cancer Awareness" Video

2010-06-03T19:37:00.000-07:00

Here is the hillarious Breast Cancer Awareness Video that Jack Black did. I watched it yesterday at treatment and was so excited when I found the link to it.....

Out of the Darkness and Into the Light....I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!!!

2010-05-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

So I am officially FINISHED WITH CHEMO!!! WHOOP WHOOP!! I went last wednesday for my last chemo treatment and the day was very different than how I imagined it would be 4 months ago when I started on this journey. The idea of being "done" with chemo is one that is surprisingly scary to me. When the words "You have cancer" were uttered to me back in november my whole world changed, in fact it broke. I was forced to look at my own mortality and let's face it that's not something very many 24 year olds do. Now almost 6 months after my diagnosis I feel as if I've always had cancer...I've always been bald. Sometimes I find it hard to remember my life before this.
I remember after being diagnosed how hard it was to utter the words "I have cancer" to those closest to me. Now it almost comes natural to tell people "I have cancer" or "I have been undergoing chemo". I've become "The Girl With Cancer" and now it kind of scary to think of not being that girl anymore. I know to some this sounds crazy but if you've been through it then I think you can relate. I pray that God will help me use this experience to continue helping and encouraging other people. Though I am done with chemo I am still without hair and I believe as it comes back it represents the restoration and recovery that is going on inside of me. It only took a short time for me to enter this journey and I know it will take time before I am truly recovered. Although as my strength comes back sometimes I wanna run as fast and as long and I can smiling and screaming all the way, praising God that I am threw with chemo and that I can move on with my life.
On my last chemo day two of my biggest fans were with me, My mom and Step-mom. I am also lucky enough to have the world's greatest doctor (Dr. England) show up with flowers and food to congratulate me on my big day. I am beyond blessed to have him as my doctor and to have met his amazing wife. The have been two angels to me through all of this. You don't find many doctors today with the heart and compassion Dr. England has and I feel blessed that he is not only my doctor but my friend. :) I know that the devil wanted to take all this and use it to bring me down, but I refuse to let that happen. And yes I"ll admit I have my days. But chemo has taught me so much, I am stronger now....wiser I suppose you could say. Part of me feels older even thoug only a few months have passed since I first started therapy...it seems sometimes that I've lived a lifetime. I thank God for getting me through and know that he will guide me in the road ahead. Thank you to everyone for all the continued support and pray...now onto the next step in my journey...RADIATION!!!
Psalm 28:7
" The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped"

Inspirational Video - The Don't Quit Poem

2010-05-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

I am Yours

2010-05-10T19:11:00.000-07:00

First off, let me apologize if this post if kind of long but I wanted to share a story. :) So last week I found myself in a situation I thought I had long gotten over. It all started when I was out today shopping around for some mother's day things. It was a beautiful day and so of course people would be out just as I was enjoying it. I was wearing a hat with no scarf underneath and was feeling pretty good about everything. However, almost immediately upon seeing the crowds of people my entire body froze in my car. I began looking at myself in the mirror and became so self conscious of how I looked that it almost brought me to tears. I ended up sitting in my car for 10 minutes waiting for the crowd to leave before I felt strong enough to exit my car, I know I know I'm pitiful. Many times I don't wear just a head scarf out for the shear fact that I know with just a hat it's not as obvious that I have no hair. But today I had a hat on but I was over whelmed with the feeling that people were staring at me and I know that not that many people are staring at me and that I'm probably just over doing it but I still many times, like today feel like that. In fact I don't think its actually the fact that people are actually looking at me because I look weird, its the fact that I don't look like everyone else. My eye lashes are still in tack but I have few eye brows left and usually try and draw them on. I have many times stood in front of the mirror and cryed at the image I see. It's not me, I dont' have my hair and its over whelming at how much that can take from you. But it makes me look at who am I really, I am not my hair, I"m not my long eye lashes, I"m not my eyebrows, or my chest. I am not defined by any of these but yet I feel as if it keeps me trapped unable to escape. I find myself not wanting to go into places like restaurants and the mall with my friends (who may I add have been amazing and so wonderful in encouraging me through this whole thing.) because I feel like the odd ball of the group. Before we go in any where everyone fixes their hair and I find myself jealous many times of them and I know that's wrong....I miss my hair and how much comfort I never realized until now that it brought me. I know that sounds so crazy and probably stupid to many but its the power cancer can have over you when you let it. Its so easy to let this disease take so much more than your hair, your energy, or your health from you, It can take your hope if you let it. Its hard to explain the anxiety of not looking like everyone else. I feel at time like the 16 year old girl I once was, who was always worried about what I looked like, constantly brushing my hair and looking in the mirror. Now that seems so petty to me, for its not about looks though many times we dont' even realize how much emphasis we put on how we look.

After all this I was reading my bible and came to

Psalm 139: 13 "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb". and

Psalm 139:15 "You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb"

I tell myself God knows everything about me. He knows all the hairs that were once on my head and he knows all the ones that will be once my hair is back. He sees my heart, my struggles, and my pain. And I know he knows and is always reminding me that I am his. I am still beautiful though by the world's standards I may not be but I am wonderfully and perfectly made in his image. My struggle is that it is hard to tell myself and make myself believe, especially as a 25 year old woman.

I feel after everything that I am stronger now than I was at the beginning of this but I still struggle. I still want God to talk to me, right now on my time, give me answers, make this all go away. But through all of this I am learning patience because you see I'm not on my time but his. And I, like so many others forget that sometimes. I've had people tell me that I'm so "strong" but let me tell you I dont' feel strong many times. But if that's how it seems I want everyone to know its because of my trust in a God that never fails and my faith in knowing he is always there. You see I know in the end hair or no hair, in sickness, through it all....I am his. :)

Chemo #5

2010-05-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

So this last week after my chemo has been a rough one. I have always had a problem with stomach cramps ever since I began chemo. The pain can become so bad at time the only thing I can do it rock myself back and forth and pray for it to be over. Last week was almost like the pain reached its peak. At about 12 am in pain I decided to call the MD who told me to take some lortab and pretty much knock myself out. I found myself running through the options of what was "really wrong" in my head. Perhaps I had stomach cancer and they hadn't found it yet. When my back began to spams I thought I had cancer in my back. Oh how satan can attack you at your most down and out times. At the time I didn't see it but looking back now I can clearly see how its a perfect time for satan to attack me and get me into the "sickness" mindset. Well I have something to say...."MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN ANY PAIN I MAY HAVE." Now dont' let me get you thinkin that while hurled over in pain I smilin thinkin how great God is. I can admit that that has never happened and that I am just as human as any one else. I know we all have hard times but I want everyone to know that its only temporary. I wonder at times, like I'm sure so many people do, why am I going through this? How much more can I take? Will this ever end? For me I know that my pain is only temporary, though I know for me and others that I so hard to see. I want people to know that in your most desperate hour you can cry out to Jesus. He knows we're broken he knows we need him and he's there. You think alot about your own mortatlity when told you have cancer and espcially when you are going through all the stuff they put you through to kill the cancer and make you it doesn't come back. It's scary I won't lie. I know I can't see him and I know in hard times its hard to know he's there but I'm tellin you he is there. My favorite line in the poem Footprints
"My child when you saw only one set of foot prints it was then that I carried you". My Step Mom sent me this picture and I wanted to share it...funny how one little picture and speak so many words
Rainbow Tree soooo BEAUTIFUL :)

Early Act Video

2010-05-02T22:31:00.000-07:00

EARLY Act Video from Chris Cook on Vimeo.

This is a video created for Breast Impressions, Inc. The women there put this on a DVD and sent it to the Oklahoma lawmakers in Washington DC to ask them to vote “yes” on the EARLY Act that provides funding for early breast cancer detection and edcuation. It created quite a stir in D.C. The DVD has now been sent to every member of the U.S. House of Representatives and the Senate. The EARLY Act was authored by Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.

Strength In Pink

2010-05-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

Strength In Pink Pitch Video from Chris Cook on Vimeo.

Strength in Pink is a feature length documentary that will tell the stories of courageous women dealing with breast cancer through interviews with breast cancer survivors and those currently battling this common disease.

Strength in Pink will also highlight the unique efforts of individuals and organizations such as Breast Impressions, Inc. and sculptor Kendall Howerton who along with the help of Roller Derby girls are attempting to raise breast cancer awareness through art to women of all ages and walks of life. Visit strengthinpinkmovie.com to donate.

The hardships, and challenges of women who have survived breast cancer and those facing the uncertain future of a recent diagnosis will also be explored and how the disease has affected their lives and the lives of their loved ones.

One Awesome Weekend :)

2010-04-22T18:11:00.000-07:00

So its come about that time again...the one I dread like the plage and can't wait to be done with, CHEMO. However, after this treatment I will only have 1 TREATMENT LEFT TO GO. I have to admit this past few weeks since my last treatment have done me well and the thought of not feeling well again....is scary but I know a necessary part of my journey. This past weekend I was able to go to the Women's Wellness Retreat where i met so many incredible women and I wish I could share all of their stories with you. There is something so special about talking with someone who has been through cancer, they understand like no one else can. The retreat was filled with women of all ages with all trypes of cancer. We had a disco party the last night where I actually WORE A WIG for the first time EVER! Seeing myself with hair was actually shocking to me because like my friend Dawn said I would I have learned to embrace my baldness as a part of me....sometimes I forget what it was like to actually have hair but I know the time will come when I will find it hard to imagine a time when I didn't have hair. So for now I am trying to embrace this time and pray and see how God will use me in this journey to help others. The last morning of our trip we had a speaker who was probably one of the funniest people I have ever listened to and he gave a great piece of advice...he said "The greatest emotion we can ever experience is Gratitiude". WOW....that couldn't be more true and somtime I find it sad that many experience true gratitude for everyday things we take for granted only after a illness. I can admit that I have never enjoyed life more than I am now because I now know what its like to not be able to do the things you used to be able to do no matter how much you want to. I also got to room with an amazing girl named Stephanie who taught me so much this weekend and is truly an inspiration to young survivors everywhere :) Hope you enjoy the slide show....

Trying to See the Light in the Darkness :)

2010-03-31T19:37:00.000-07:00
So its been a pretty good week before treatment. Last week I got to go visit my aunt in Kingsport and spend the day with her.  We actually went out to eat and I WAS HUNGRY...although I can't eat like I used to it was sooo awesome to actually be hungry and enjoy food.

My aunt bout me a new hat which was amazing...its a cute jean cap like I've been lookin for and I really love it. Wanted to show it off so I took a pic of myself, which is a rarity, so everyone could see it :).
It rained a few days this past week but I LOVE seeing the sunshine and being outside especially when I feel so good. I have to admit the closer I have gotten to this treatment the more stressed and some what lonely I got probably because the last treatment made me so sick and I hate the idea of going through the whole process again especially when I know I have no choice. When you feel bad from chemo and you can't go anywhere, as many survivors can atest to, it makes you feel lonely cause all your friends could come over and the truth is you feel so bad that last time I couldn't stand to talk or do anything besides sleep or lay around and it almost becomes a prison of your own misery and it is so lonely, its easy to feel sorry for yourself and I absolutely hate doing that...makes me frustrated with myself espcially when I know others have been through so much worse than me. I been praying alot and asking god to take my anxiety so that I can go into today's treatment with confidence that this is the means to an end. Thank God for my fellow survivor amber who met with me yesterday and just listened while I expressed my anxiety about today treatment. Its such a blessing beyond words to have and be able to talk to girls who have been through this. But today's treatment did go well my mom and step-mom came and they are so awesome to just come and sit with me.....because alot of the time I fall asleep but no matter what they are just sit there and dont' care just sitting there for support. THEY ROCK! :)
I have a really awesome story about a man at the Earth Fare super market today. While looking for cheese ( lol) my mom began talking to the man behind the counter and told him we were looking to change the processed foods I eat to more natural ones and she told him that I had cancer. I walked up a few minutes later and he told me they got alot of people in hats in there and that I looked really great in mine.
Might sound crazy but even with hats on people stare and I've gotten used to it but many times its hard because I feel like the freak because some people smile but some people hard core stare at me like I"ve got a booger on my face or somethin (lol). That might sound crazy and I dont' say it for pity I say it to be honest. As time has gone by I have adjusted but sometimes little things like that still affect me probably more than I should let them...I realize some people just dont' know any better so I try to be understanding.
But back to my story after getting the cheese I wanted I began to walk away and the man from behind the cheese counter came around and said "Mam he said can I ask you your name, your mother told me about how you are sick and I wanted to tell you that I'm gonna be praying for you and your gonna be fine....God is gonna heal you". I was so taken back by this man I almost didn't know what to say but Thank You. I held back the tears and shook his hand and asked him his name "Jon". WOW...I had never had anyone do that before but I can tell you that he was a blessing. You never know where God is gonna show up.....he's even in the cheese section at the grocery story....HE'S EVERYWHERE! I heard this song on the radio this past week and it moved me to tears and just reassured me that God is with me....he's already been there...he does know what I"m going through......and though the road is hard I've just got to hold on to him even if I dont' always feel like he's theres :)

The Dash-A Powerful and Moving Video :)

2010-03-24T20:29:00.000-07:00
I Found This Video On A Fellow Survivors Blog and It Really Moved Me and Made Me Think So I Wanted To Share......

BALD IS BEAUTIFUL

2010-03-21T11:46:00.000-07:00
Sooo I also wanted to write a little blog on my hair situation. Everyone one knows that I cute my hair but what many may not know is that about month ago I also had to shave it. I mean my bed began looking like a lab had been sleeping with me at night time lol and I knew that the time had come to just let it all go. I obviously knew this was coming but it was no easier than the first time I had to cut my hair...so now I am officially BALD lol. One of the craziest things about shaving my head was how sick it made me. You see the follicles on my head were actually dead and my scalp was sooo sore. So when they began shaving it...it made me incredible SICK and nauseated...more than I have ever been since I started treatment but I have heard from many survivors that that is normal. They shaved my head a few days after my treatment and I was already just feeling so bad that it took me about 2 days to come back to life and truly realize what had happened, so after about 2 days with no hair I was some-what used to it.
   Probably the hardest part of it all was looking in the mirror and shocking myself with the way I look. You see when I looked in the mirror the face I saw was not my own but my father's. I have been told that we look alot alike and was not fully aware of it until I saw my face in the mirror last sunday. It of course made me miss him that much more. Many of the things I have gone through during treatment have made me understand that much more about everything my dad went through during his treatment and it has been both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in the way that I understand more of what he went through and a curse in the way that my heart breaks for him as I think of how much worse I know his treatment was. But I know that through it all in the end and the beginning God was there and he is here now and will always be.

Psalm 34:18
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"
The good thing about not having my hair is that the migraine headaches I was having before I shaved it are now very few and far between. Its also nice to be able to now put lotion right on my scalp because it is so dry and itches alot. I have and am still thinking about getting a wig but for some reason I am just not as comfortable in wigs like I am hats. I feel like hats offer memore to play with...I can match a head scarf to the hat and then add earrings....kind of fun :) It is however frustrating sometimes matching my hat to different outfits, but I do get alot of comments on them so its encouraging for me and makes me feel more comfortable in them. I was told by my fellow survivor Dawn that I would learn to accept my baldness and embrace. CRAZY I thought at the time....JUST CRAZY.......but now I am slowly accepting it. Most nights I rip my hat off as soon as I'm in the door because after about 8 hours with a scarf and hat on your head it begins to itch and just get annoying. Its also kind of cool if I ever get hot or cold I can fix that in a snap by taking my hat off (hot) or putting it on if I get cold :)
Maybe when it comes back it will be blonde so I won't have to spend money on highlights lol....a girl can dream right ;)

Treatment #3 HALF WAY DONE!! WHOOP WHOOP!!

2010-03-17T18:56:00.000-07:00
Well there were a few lessons learned from this week's treatment. 1.) Fluids and food are VITAL to my staying mobile and semi-healthy after my big treatments. 2.) If you ever have questions you should call the doctor because he WILL listen 3.) Nausea medication is a GOD send and last but certainly not least 4.) I AM NOT the best patient when it comes to listening to the advice of others! lol This week's treatment seemed to cut me some slack on the fatigue and body aches compared to last time or so I thought! However, those sneaky little side effects of the chemo sneaked in sunday morning and attacked me FULL FORCE. I had such a bad taste in my mouth that everything and I mean everything tasted horrible...sprite..diet coke, crackers, mac n' cheese. So began my downward spiral of not eating much and drinking very little, accompaned with body aches and nausea. It was at this point my mother suggested calling the doctor to ask about suggestions of what to do but HELLO dont' u know I know more than a medical doctor (ha ha or so I like to think) and so I talked her out of it. Granted fluids might have been all he could have done but something was better than nothing. So I waited until today to talk to my doctor and let's just say it was pretty obvious by the time I got there I was not in the best shape. Just going from laying down to sitting up caused me to feel light headed. I obviously needed fluids or as Dr. Brigs said "I was outta oil" lol. He told me I should have called sooner and my response was "Please dont' tell my mom that...then she'll know she was right!!!" lol   I must brag on Dr. Brigs here for a moment....when I first spoke with him today I was so exhausted when he asked me "So what's been going on?".....it took all I had not to break down and cry but I held back because I knew once I lost it I would not be able to tell him everything that was going on. He listened so well to every little thing I said that when the visit was done I wanted to cry AGAIN because I felt like I was finally able to some what unload my stress over the last few days on him and he was so good to listen and respond........he was my light at the end of theses dark few days. :)
So after that I got hooked up to my cocktail mixed a little nausea medication and fluid in there and I was feelin a whole lot better. This weekend was hard and maybe it will be harder, there may be more tears and nausea but some how I know there's a light at the end of this tunnel, there's a purpose in the path I'm going down right now. In the past 2 weeks I have spoken to 2 different 25 year old women recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I had the opportunity to use my experience to try and help ease their fears some what, to relate and tell them I understood and I was hear if they wanted to chat, talk, complain, whatever. In some small way trying to help them helped me, made me feel like I was doing something and using my diagnosis in a positive way or at least that's what I hope and pray I did. Chemo may knock me down for a week or more but I am a warrior and with faith in a God that never fails I will kick this....no matter how many times I may lay in bed and pray for better days and think I will never see them I know I will!
I am also so encouraged by the women I meet every week at treatment. Last week I met a woman with Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer in her liver and had been living with it for 7 years and you would never know it. She was such positive and wonderful to talk to. Today when I walked in I was greeted by a woman I met two weeks ago who remembered me and called me by name. She said "Hello Sarah, I have been thinking about you and I have you on prayer lists all across the country with my friends and family". WOW.....some woman remembered me and were so kind to tell others of me and ask them to pray for me. This simple acts moves me to tears and I had to hold back today when I spoke with my fellow survivor....she was another light for me in the darkness of the past few days :)
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
Also Thank You for all the cards, texts, calls, etc that everyone gives to me THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU...they brighten some of my darkest days and mean more that I could ever say :)
"Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting"

Life's Full of Laughter :)

2010-03-07T19:21:00.000-08:00
I am so blessed with friends who are so willing to listen to me complain and go with me to treatment that its beyond me.

My friend Jessie came with me to one of my weekly treatments last week and we had so much fun. When we go there we sat in the waiting room the nurse comes in and calls out "Jessie....Jessie". So no one answers this nurse as Jessie and I just look at each other and I'm like SURPRISE U HAVE CANCER lol. Guess Jessie didn't realize occompaning me to treatment would me should would also occompany me in "having" the cancer as well. ha ha Ok maybe it doens't so as funny when I type it but I promise it really was. Finally this old woman seated right in front of the nurse stands up and says "Oh thats me, I'm Jessie". ha ha After my treatment we went to see the doctor who FYI is AMAZING. If you ever get cancer Raymond Brigs is who you wanna see. I expressed to him my current nightmares of having Stage 4 cancer than they hadn't found yet. I freaked as he poked and proded all over my body saying "You find something"......to which he responded by pulling my hat down over my eyes and telling me I needed to calm down lol. You would be surprised how many fears can hit you after something like this rocks your world. But Dr. Brigs assured me I was fine and that the stress I was putting on myself was very un-needed and that I was in the re-covery process and needed to focus on that. Another funny part to that day was my nose bleed.....well maybe it wasn't funny but the pics sure were...
If you can't laugh with everything I've found in my short time on this journey you won't be able to make it through. And if there's one thing Jessie and I can do its laugh. On that note I have another funny story to tell. (you'll find I could tell stories all day ha ha) So I ran into a gentle man who frequently comes into our pharmacy and is always joking with us. We began talking and he told me how pretty my hat was and soon I went into the story of how I was doing chemo and had lost all my hair and that was why I was wearing the hat. He then looks at me and says "U know cancer had kiilled my entire wife's family"......I'm like "Oh really...I"m really sorry to hear that". I said "I'm gonna be okay I all I have to do is chemo and I should be golden" to which he responds "You know what really kills u......the CHEMO!!" So its at this point I've come to the realization he has NO IDEA how what he says sounds lol....so I just keep going with it. I told him that I had to go but I would "see him later" to which his response was "I sure hope so!". LOL WOW is really the only words to describe this little old man.....I truly don't think he said anything trying to be me or negative...even though it might have come out that way.   It was literally so funny I couldn't have prepared myself for it....so I just laughed with it and knew he meant well. (you seriously can't hate the little old man ha ha) But I thought it was a funny story. This week my friend Heather came with me to treatment and I tell you there's nothing better than a friend who sits with you and just a simple conversation for a few hours can make you smile so much you forget your sick. She's awesome :) Friends and family can truly make life so much sweeter and easier...even when it seems so hard. I am so blessed :)

Give Me Revelation.....

2010-03-07T18:53:00.000-08:00
So I know I should be updating this more often but I'm usually hesitant in doing so because I know it will take me forever because I tend to talk alot (which won't come as a surprise to those who know me lol) and so its takes me forever to write....but im workin on the whole "summary" thing...can't u tell ha ha. But So I have had my second treatment and it went well......not so well. I can usually feel it coming on and this time it hit me BIG time. I was so weak over the weekend I had a hard time walking or standing without feeling like I was going to fall or just pass out.....as one of my sister survivors said "I felt like I was almost too tired to breathe". I went to work monday and lasted about 45 minutes before I was told to go home. Coming upon my 4th day of plain exhaustion it was then I reached a very low point. I was on the couch with the blinds closed and I felt myself sinking into this horrible depression mode. There was nothing a doctor could call in for me to help me feel better, nothing I could eat, and it seemed like I could not sleep ENOUGH! It was at that moment I told myself if this ever came back I would not fight it.....I felt like I didn't want to do it anymore and really I have not been doing chemo that long.....man I thought this is horrible. I tell you all that to tell you this.........it was at that moment when I lay there with no where to turn that I knew there was only one place I could go....THE WORD. I walked to my room and got my bible and I read and I prayed and I cried. You see that moment was moment I know I will always remember because it was a moment when I truly needed Jesus......when I really can say he was all I had and he was what lifted me out of my depression. I mean WHAT WAS I THINKING......OF COURSE I'M GONNA FIGHT THIS......I WANNA LIVE.....and I wanna help others through this. I find now its so easy to go into the "debbie downer" mode and think poor me, why me. But let me say this...GOD IS BIGGER THAN THIS and even though in my dark moments I myself have trouble believing it but I know its true.  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" Phillippians 4:6
A woman came up to the register at work today and said "Hello....are u a chemo patient?".....I replied "Do I look that bad lol". She said "Oh no, my husband just got done with chemo and I am very observant." I told her my story and as I explained how the doctors told me this was caught early she said a few words that have stuck with me "YOU WERE MEANT TO LIVE". :) Wow.....I replied after she said that....I guess I was. This random woman had pretty much made my day and given me some more hope in my battle...thank you doesn't seem like enough.
"May the god of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13
I talk about my primary care physician being amazing as well....his wife is equally as awesome (picture below). We are now both breast cancer survivors and sisters. God is so amazing in his timing. There is no denying his hand has been in all of this from the beginning. I mean seriously what's the odds the doctor that diagnosed me would have a wife who would have breast cancer? What's also the odds that we would go to the same place for treatment and at the same time every week? He's amazingly wonderful and faithful to provide in all circumstances no matter how grim they may seem.
"But Now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7

Pink Glove Dance

2010-03-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

For the Girls

2010-02-17T21:23:00.000-08:00
Here's a poem I had that's just really awesome in reminding us Girls...God is our creater....He made us in his image...We are his perfect creation and He loves us....no matter what we look like :)

My Beautiful Princess,

I Made You Because I Love You

I made you…you are different.

You are unique. With love I formed you in your mother’s womb.

I fashioned you with great joy.

I remember with great pleasure the day that I created you.

(Psalm 139:13-16)

I love your smile. I love your ways. I love to hear you laugh.

You bring me great pleasure. This is how I made you.

(Psalm 139:17)
I made you pretty and not beautiful
Because I knew your heart and that you would be vain.

I wanted you to search out your heart and to learn

That it would be Me in you that would draw friends to you.

(1 Peter 3:3-4)

I made you in such a way that you would need Me.

I made you a little more lonesome than you would like to be…

Only because I need you to learn that you must depend on me...

I know your heart; I know that if I had not made you like this,
You would go your own way and forget Me, your Creator.
(Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given you many good and happy things…

Because I love you. (Psalm 84:11)

Because I love you, I have seen your broken heart…

And the tears you have cried alone. I have cried with you,

And have had a broken heart, too. (Psalm 56:8)

Many times you have stumbled and fallen alone

Only because you would not listen to my voice. (Ephesians 2:10)

So many times I have sat back and watched you go your way alone,

Only to watch you return to my arms, sad and broken. (Isaiah 66:2)

And now you are mine again…I made you, and bought you…
Because I love you. (Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape you and remold you, to renew you To what I had planned for you to be.It has not been easy for you or for Me. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

I want you to be conformed to My image.This is my goal I have set for you…Because I love you. (2 Corinthians 2:14, 5:17)

Cutting My Hair

2010-02-17T18:05:00.000-08:00
So last Thursday I did probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.....I cut my own hair. To some they may say well its just hair and honestly I thought that for a while...."Its just Hair" but let me assure you as 24 year old girl who knows I probably spent WWWAAAYYY to much time on my hair....it was so much more than that. I think since it had been about 2 weeks since my 1st treatment I really had got the notion in my head that I was gonna be one of the special few that defied medical science and all my doctor and everyone else told me and not loose my hair. However, last tuesday I ran my hands through my hair and much to my shock there it was....hair....all over my hand. Now, I wasn't totally shocked....I think said "Hmmmmm well look at that" lol.   But over the next 24 hours the hair on my head actually hurt...which is the craziest feeling unless you have experienced it yourself. I soon realized I could not do the impossible....I would not be the "super hair girl" who defied everyone. LOL So after work Thursday I decided to go to a local salon and just have them cut it. But let me tell you a little secret....the closer the time came to leaving my house to go to the salon the more scared I became and I eventually laid on my bed until 9 o'clock and said "Well the hair salon is closed...guess I can't get it cut.....DANG.....guess I will just have to wait!" ha ha...I"m so sneaky...NOT!!
You see I leave out the little part about not washing my hair that day because it was coming out so bad and I was afraid if I washed it might come out so bad I would have a bald spot and I had to work the next day which would not have been a great combination. A little while later Channing came over with his home hair cutting kit and said "Why don't you let me cut your hair"........I believe my response was "Your kidding right" lol. I had never in life known him to cut anyone's hair but his own so you could say my belief that he could cut mine and make it look "descent" was little to none. But I may have slightly been proven to be how do you say "not right" ha ha. We put my hair up in pony tails so I could send it off to a program Pantene Pro-V does called Beautiful Lengths which sends your hair off to be used for wigs for cancer patients, its just like Locks of Love except your hair only has to be 8 inches...so its great for those with shorter hair. :) Plus I gotta give a shot out to my friend Meg who was the one who told me about this to begin with. Thanks Meg :)
So before we do my hair Rebecca and I took the Great pleasure in shaving Channing's hair into a mow-hawk....yes I said it....a MOW-HAWK......I know right now everyone is pretty jealous so if you really want one just stop by my house and me and Rebecca will be happy to give you one just like his. LOL ;)
So now it was my turn we had my hair up...scissors out...and I was ready. But cutting off your hair is much more than anything I could ever try to explain in words.....its a part of you that you are kind of willingly cutting off and its hard. So when it came down to it...I refused to let anyone cut MY hair....I made everyone leave and I took the scissors and I did it....I cut my own hair and sobbed with every cut....but I have to tell you I was not alone.....Channing came back in and sat with me.  Cutting my own hair gave me a sense of control...which almost all survivors says is something that helps to have with a disease where Control is not something you have much of.
I had thought at one point I wanted to have a hair cutting party where everyone came over and I did it with everyone there...looking back now I am glad that I didn't because when it happened it was a awesome as I previously thought. Everyone takes to this differently, some people can rejoice when it happens and laugh but I unfortunately was not one of those....not everyone is and that's ok. :) I wasn't sure whether I should share all that but I feel led to do so that maybe it might help someone, somewhere, someday to understand CANCER SUXS...there's not denying that...its a horrible disease and no one deserves to have it. But when its all over, or at least the hair cutting part for me, Your Stronger, Your still beautiful (although sometimes you may not feel like that) and You can survive this.
My friend and fellow survivor Dawn told me yesterday "God dont' give sissy girls cancer. Only the warriors" and that one quote made me feel awesome and strong.....as chessy as that might sound.  Its hard and sometimes you hate hearing "It's Just Hair" because its YOUR HAIR but you are still you and there is a beautiful part of a girl that comes out with the hair and is there for all the world and you to see and after praying about it I think....maybe that is God's gift in it all.....to reveal a beaty to us we might never have seen other wise.

Psalm 89:8 "O Lord God Almighty who is like you? You are mighty, O Lord, and your faithfullness surrounds you"
Here's the slide show of the pics we took.....

What Cancer Can't Do!!!

2010-02-09T20:39:00.000-08:00
A while back I went to young cancer survivors meeting and met some really awesome people. It was awesome and still scary to meet young women with cancer. But it was great more than anything to have people to talk to who really understood...who had experienced what I was going through and could really give me advice. There are some days where I find myself sulking and thinking of how much this disease has already taken from me...how its already slowed my life and the plans I had but I try and constantly remind myself I AM BLESSED.....this could be worse....and I have the opportunity to use take this disease and use it for glory of God.   I have to remember this is the life God gave to me...a precious gift from him....he knows my first and my last breath...and he knows all the twists and turns my life will take. To say I'm not scared would be lie.....to say I dont' cry and scream and get angry with God would also be a lie, but going through all this has made my faith and my relationship with God that much stronger. This disease has already taught me to trust him for EVERYTHING...b/c everything is a gift from him and I try to live according to his word....though there are days when I find that to be very hard. I just wanted to share that b/c it was on my heart and I also wanted to share a poem I read on a fellow survivors blog because I thought it was soo awesome......
"WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO"

It CANNOT silence Courage

It CANNOT cripple love

It CANNOT shut out memories

It CANNOT shatter hope

It CANNOT eat away peace

It CANNOT reduce eternal life

It CANNOT destroy confidence

It CANNOT quench the Spirit

It CANNOT corrode FAITH!!!!!

It CANNOT kill friendship

Multimedia message

2010-02-03T08:51:00.000-08:00

I'm Gangster lol :-)

My 1st Treatment

2010-01-27T20:17:00.001-08:00

So I had my 1st treatment today and it went off pretty well. Did not get alot of sleep last night and im guessing it was cause I stayed up late cause I was nervous and my mind kept running....."Will it hurt"...."Is my hair just gonna fall off right there in front of everyone"......"Are they gonna push through my port when they access it and kill me"......crazy funny questions like that. Walking in was hard...seeing people who had already began treatment.....they were bald...pale...many looked weak and most of them were older...I knew that I would probably look similar to them soon and the reality of that is always hard to take. But thanks to some upbeat nurses and my awesome mom and brother...I wasn't down for long.

And just like it always does...God's amazing power and love was displayed for me again today. You see just as the nurse was about to access my port....... I looked up and saw my primary doctor, Dr. David England, standing right in front of me and my eyes filled up with tears. In fact as I introduced him to everyone we were all a little teary eyed...but we all manged to pretty much keep it together. You see I had not seen him since he told me I had breast cancer 3 months ago and the moment was bitter sweet. I had forgetten that his wife also had breast cancer and he was there with her for her treatment. I pretty much owe this man my life and I hope everyone out there has a doctor like him and let me tell you why. When I called him 3 months ago and told him about the lump I found.....he made me come in the next day...he didn't ignore it like many doctors would do because of my age....he immediately sent me to have a mammogram. Then instead of letting the pathologist tell me over the phone he called me personally back into his office and told me....because he said he did not want a stranger telling me something so big and it was obvious this was a very painful and hard thing for him to have to do. As soon as he told me he gave me space and time to cry but then after immediately sent me to the head nurse coordinator who is another AMAZING nurse. She cried with me...set up all my appoinments and explained the big things that would soon be coming my way....it was obvious she cared and just what I needed in my time of need. I wish I had taken a picture of us all there together at treatment today...but there was so much going on at the time that I didn't even think about it until afte he was gone. After the initial shock of seeing him wore off he and his wife sat and talked with me and I pretty much did not even notice when the accessed my port with what looked like a huge needle....but really it was nothing and I was one happy camper :) His wife told me she knew things could be worse and her eyes filled up as she told of her friend's child who has a brain tumor and has been through more than she and I combined. With tears in her eyes she said to me "I would do all this ten times over just to make sure that baby didn't have to go through all he is" and I truly believed her. We know that having breast cancer is not the worst thing and we are blessed to have the options that we do. :) Seeing him and getting to talk with them both was truly a blessing for me.....not only did it make me forget about the nurses accessing my port but it also made my heart so happy. God is so good and he surprises us just in time with exactly what we need. :)

Probably the biggest and funniest lesson I learned from today is that Benadryl knocks me out like a small child. lol They give it me to conteract any reaction I might have the chemo drugs.....the second its hits my veins I'm like "Oh yea that stuff knocks me out". Within about 1 hour I was barely coherent. The nurse said I was sleeping so hard she actually came over to make sure I was still breathing lol.....apparently she had no idea who her new patient is...sleeping has never EVER been a problem for me lol Everything took about 6 hours to finish and it went by pretty fast since I was asleep. After we left I went and did a little wig shopping. When I first walked into the store it took me about 15 minutes before I had it in me to actually try one on....it was an emotional moment but one that I new needed to happen and it actually turned out being pretty fun. Afterwards I still felt so energetic that I went for a little jog with my mom and puppy. So all in all the day was great...I'm just pretty tired now but no real complaints. I have an amazing heavenly father who is holding my hand through all of this and revealing new promisese to me everyday. The next few months are going to be hard...I am not blind to that...but I know God's grace will see me through and I will come out in the end of this journey stronger than I began. :)

Multimedia message

2010-01-27T08:22:00.000-08:00

Bout to start treatment. :-)

2010-01-26T22:51:00.000-08:00

Some of the Girls Out Eating the Night Before I Began Chemo........I am so blessed :)

Port Placement

2010-01-26T21:16:00.000-08:00

So last wednesday I had my port surgery...which went very well. The doctors had a hard time finding my veins. There was this Chinese lady trying to put my IV in and I told her before she started I had bad veins that roll. But for some reason everytime I tell the doctor that they don't seem to belive me till they see it for themselves. So I just sat back and watched it happen. After the 1st time she couldn't get it in she says "Everytime I numb your vein it dissappear"...I"m yea...they ROLL!!! Now while the nurse is playing in my arm the anesthesiologist is trying to ask me questions and stuff and after about 30 seconds of her trying to talk while the nurse is still playing in my arm I look at her and say "Ok can we do the questions after she finds my vein cause I am not listening at all to what your saying or the questions ur asking" lol. She's like "oh yea yea sure". If you have ever tried to hold a serious conversation with someone while another person has a needle in ur arm....its a serious skill and one I quickly learned I was not good at. lol.
So she FINALLY finds my vein after what seems like an eternity and I begin grilling the anesthesiologist about whether I'm gonna be "all the way" to sleep and she says not totally. So if you know me you know my big concern is "Am I gonna feel anything and Is it going to hurt?". One I asked that the nursing that was previously playing in my arm replies "Oh you be sleep...we give you Michael Jackson drugs except you wake up". I laughed but I'm still thinkin great....just great.....they just used Michael Jackson as a comparison to me...and in case we all dont' know....he's DEAD!! lol At the time it was pretty funny and I took it with a grain of salt.   So right after this I look up and see my nurse Dan...who I wasn't too sure was a "REAL" nurse...he looked a little suspicious...I'm just saying...is shooting something into my IV...which in about 30 seconds I realized was Fentanl and Versad. If you have never had this...ur missing out cause its awesome lol. I was loopy and felt like I couldn't stop talking (which is nothing new for me) within about a minute.
So pretty much when it was over I kind of understood why Michael Jackson took this stuff to sleep cause I was asleep one minute and the next minute I was awake but I felt like I had slept good....I mean I was still groggy but nothing compared to how I was when I had my first surgery.
Also, I learned a very good leason this day......no matter how much u "Think" u want one Chick Fil-A milkshakes are NEVER a good idea right after surgery.......I learned that very quickly. All in all the surgery went well. I was pretty sore for the 1st few days but the soreness has worn off.   However, my port is a huge reminder of the cancer I have and sometimes I find it hard to look at in the mirror. It's what I call a "cancer marker" kind of like loosing your hair. Its something that everyone can see....I can sometimes not hide it under my shirt when I go out and it can even been seen in many of my regular shirt. I have also tried on many of my summer shirts and my bathing suits and its very visible. Coming to the realization that not only am I about to go through chemo but realizing that I now had a "cancer marker" and I was probably gonna get some looks when I go out because my port is visible is honestly pretty hard to take. I am a girl and looks are important to me to a certain extent. But I stepped back and looked at this situation and realized maybe I was being too self consumed....I mean is all I think about is a person's outward appearance...espcially my own? I have always said its what on the inside that counts and now when it came down to it....I acted no better than those I had preached to. I am human and I admit outward appearance is important to me but I feel more and more lately like maybe God is really using this to show me that "its not all about how you look". God can use even the smallest of situations to teach us things and I can feel him doing that with me now. I just pray I come out stronger because of it.
Later on it occurs to me..... How many people spend their whole lives with visible markings, handicapps, etc. that make other people want to stare at them. For example, one of the kids I have babysat for since I was 18 is in a wheel chair. Seems every where we go people stare at her and as they have gotten older I have seen how it affects her brothers and sisters as well as her. We go to the mall and people stop and stare or just stand there and look....many times I have held back tears and words as I tell her "people are staring like that because they dont' understand". How many times I must have said that......because then it was so easy for me to say because I wasn't the one being looked at. But now many years later, in a situation I never thought I would be in, here I stand getting just a taste of how she must feel and I must say it's an eye opening and humbling experience.
    During all this I have been doing a study on faithfullness. The study I"m doing has focused alot on Abraham and his faithfullness to God. He was so faithful and trusting in God no matter what that at one point he was willing to go as far as to sacrifice his own son (which of course we know he didn't). But how many times have I said I trust in God' faithfulness to pull me through this situation....and then when it still came down to it...I was weak and I found it hard to let go of the things I knew and go the way God wanted me to. God obviously thinks I'm strong enough to handle all this...I just have to believe that to but I have to trust in him and seek him to help me daily see the joy in it all. I have found that through the many trial of people in the bible.....after it was all said and done those that were faithful to God in the hard time were actually stronger in God when it was all over and I hope I can say that when this is all over.    Hebrews 11:8-19 lists nine qualities of Abraham's life of faithfulness. In verse 8 you see Abraham followed God even though he did not know where God was leading. Faith follows God through the mists of uncertain circumstances and times such as these. :)

Pay It Forward

2010-01-24T13:49:00.000-08:00

I wanted to share a story of what happened to me today at my local walmart. My mother and I went in to get a few things and like most people we ended up getting more than we thought we would. I was pooring the raining and I'm talking about the flooding. We were loading our groceries into our car when a man and his son passed by and I heard the man say to his son....before I knew what was happening this man and his son were grabbing the bag out of our cart and loading them in the car. I'm just gonna say that I had to pick my lip up off the concrete. I dont' think in my 24 years on this earth I have ever had anyone help me with my groceries for the sheer sake of just helping me. I was dumb founded and if it hadn't been raining I would have loved to have shook this man's hand and told him thank you and what a great dad he was. He was not only telling his son how he should be but he was showing him and I thought it was just amazing. I just wanted to share this because its something I rarely see and it made me think how many times I probably pass up someone who needs a little help with something because I'm too caught up in my own life. I have thought about it since it happened this morning and I felt like this man's simple example showed how we as christians should treat each other and how we should do for each other for the sheer sake of wanting to help someone.
I admit many times at work when I walk out of the pharmacy I see people looking lost down the aisles and while I know most of the store since I have worked there so long...many times I put my head down and keep walking. But now I'm gonna make a real effort to look and help people just because they need it because one man did it for me today and it totally made my day and was just another example of how God speak to us and uses us through service to others. It also reminded me of the movie "Pay It Forward". One kind act can spark a movement that would have us all helping each other. Just thought this was a great story to share :)

The Next Step

2010-01-14T10:04:00.000-08:00

So the past two weeks have been really crazy. To start off I want to update everyone on the status of my next step in treatment. I went last week to see my oncologist who seems really awesome. He actually had cancer when he was 16 so I feel like he understands alot more than most because he has been there. I walked into my first room and these nurses said "Gotta get some blood" and I told her "I thought we were done with all that"...she said "Oh that's just what you thought....we just getting started" lol. It always helps nurses and staff to joke with...I mean if we can't laugh we'd never get through any of this.
Then we went into the conference room to wait on the oncologist. And here is what we found out......

Taxotere
Carboplatin
Herceptin
these are the names of the three drugs I will be taking. I will be taking Taxotere and Carboplatin together once every 3 weeks for about 4 and a 1/2 months. Then I will finish out the year taking Herceptin. Herceptin is pretty much considered the new miracle drug and has increased cure rates in breast cancer patient with a positive Her 2 New receptors by 50%. Now here comes the hard part......Taxotere and Carboplatin will make my hair fall out the doctor says and there is no way around that. He told me I had about two weeks before it would start to fall out. To say that at that moment my heart didn't skip a beat and I didn't have to swallow my tears would be a lie. The truth is it was one of the harder moments for me because I thought to myself I can loose it right here and right now in front of everyone or I can push forward and know that this is just the means to an end. I am woman and as a woman our hair is one our trade marks. How do u just tell someone that's all gonna be gone in a matter of a few weeks? This might sound weird but hair is just like life...it can be gone in a matter of minutes. However, we only have one life and I can always grow new hair. I had thought about my hair coming out almost since I got diagnosed and now I thought "God why me.....I never hardly go anywhere without doing something to my hair and now suddenly you think its gonna be ok if its all gone"....but I think this will truly be God's test for me to show me that I am am his child and I am beautiful bald or with lots of hair.I wont' lie and say it won't be hard but I have chosen to make the decision to be as positive as I can about this.....and if my hair is long enough I am going to try and give it to locks of love before it comes out.
So back to other parts of treatment. We did discuss the side effects of chemo and that was another hard part. Everyone reacts differently to chemo and the truth is you wont' know exactly how you will feel until you receive treatment. However, to sit and listen to all the "possible" side effects of treatment is still a little overwhelming. We talk about the drugs putting me into menopause for a while and I swear my head about spun around like the kind in "The Exorcist" lol. I mean seriously I asked the doctor "Could we just skip the chemo" lol. He gave a slight grin and said "I wish".

I have thought many time since then about just skipping chemo and radiation all together. And of course everyone freaks out when I say that but I feel great right now...I'm working and going to the gym. Now the doctors want to inject me with all these toxic drugs that are gonna make me feel like poo poo for months. Seriously....let's not lie and say everyone would just be like "Okay Cool!" LOL. I have researched this alot and looking up things on cancer online can do two things 1.) Make you more informed that you were before you looked this stuff up and 2.) Make most scared than you were when 4 years old and you had to sleep by urself in a big kid bed in the DARK! lol. People talk about their experience online and some of them are horrible and very scary. However, I was reminded once AGAIN this week that everyone's experience is different and that maybe I had looked up enough online. I am trying to educate myself as much as possible on all the meds I will be on and I know I will most likely begin treatment as scheduled. So my surgery to have my port placed is for next Wednesday 1/20 and then my treatment is scheduled to begin on the following Wednesday 1/27. Though I may be scared I know I am guided by the one who gave it all for me and he is bigger than this battle or any other I may ever face in my life.

DRAIN DRAIN....YAY IT FINALLY WENT AWAY!

2010-01-07T20:33:00.000-08:00
So Update I got my drain out yesterday and I feel soo AMAZING...without it in I can hardly explain it. I have even caught myself jerking b/c I think it is still in. But I am asking for every one's prayers for the coming week. Although the drain is out there is still a chance that my body is still not ready drain on its own without the lymph nodes that were removed. If this is the case and fluid builds up in my arm I will have to have my arm aspirated, which requires needles and we all know how much I HATE needles lol. But God is faithful and I am trusting in him to carry me through. :)
Tonight I walked out with my puppy into the snow and to say I felt different just playing in the snow would be an understatement. I was so happy because for the first time in a while and I did not have to worry about not moving any certain way and pulling my drain out; I did not feel sick and I was so thankful and almost teary eyed just playing in the snow...just being able to play worry free, pain free,in the snow. That might sound weird but for those who have and are going through trials where you see how hard life can be and then you finally get a break from it...the craziest and simplest things mean more than you can even describe. This morning before I took a shower I called my surgeon's nurse and asked if i could take the bandage off that covered where the drain was in and she told me yes. I then asked "Sooo I"m not gonna fill with water am I?"...she laughed and replied no your not going to fill with water. I mean I do have a little hole in my side so I had to check lol.
Please be in continued prayer that my body will adjust to not having my lymph nodes and begin to drain any fluid that comes through my arm on its own. Also, just wanted to ask for continued prayer for Channing's uncle Timmy as he will soon begin treatment for his colon cancer. I would also like to share another prayer request for two special twins, Ethan and Addison Raby. They were born pre-mature and while they have a long road ahead of them they have two amazing parents who are fighting right along with them and they all need our prayer, this is the link to their blog http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/rabytwins The continued love and support from family and friend humbles me beyond words. God has truly blessed me more than I deserve :)
Psalm 105:1 "Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness Let the whole world know what he has done"

"Be Still and Know that I Am God"

2009-12-31T18:50:00.000-08:00

These are 2 of the wonderful gifts I received for my AMAZING friends!

So I just wanted to some how express to everyone my gratitude and appreciation through all the support and love I have received since my diagnosis. From cards to flowers, letters, texts, calls, emails and the list goes on. It has given me so much hope and encouragement in my dark times. I never expected all the support that I have gotten. I have received letters from people who have just read my blog to encourage and I have re-gained contact with old friends I have not spoken to in years and it has been amazing. I have so many people tell me that they love my positive attitude and faith in fighting this disease. I believe that having a positive attitude is one of your best allies in battling any disease. The open ears of friends that have listened to me talk for hours have meant more to me that I can express.
I also wanted to share some of my thoughts. I had dinner with a friend the other night and she shared with me many of her life stories and her struggles and dark times when she questioned God. And she said something that has stuck with me. She told me about a really hard time she went through right before she graduated and how one week before graduating school she laid on the beach filled with grief and dispair in a time when she should be happy. She said she looked up and yelled at God and said "What else can you take from me, what else do you want." One week or so later her apartment caught on fire. And in the midst of all of that she looked at me and said she thought of the verse "Be still and know that I am God." Then she asked me do you think god wants you to do just that to just "Be still and know that He is GOD"? WOW....her words hit me strong and hard and I have not been able to forget them. I am not saying God gave me cancer or he wants me to be sick..but maybe part of his plan is for me to "Be still". We don't' know his plans and maybe we aren't supposed to because he is God the all knowing all powerful Creator. Our Alpha, Omega, Redeemer and Friend. I am also certainly not saying God burned her apartment down. But it made me think like she said sometimes God just wants us to be still and know that HE IS GOD. Maybe that is what I am supposed to do....I am praying about that...and trying to come to him with an open heart ready for what he has for me. I don't' know God's plans for my life even though I'm sure like everyone else that I did. I could list questions that I have for God about why things happen, why people die and why we as human beings struggle so much. But I try to remember God struggled too, he came to earth for me, lived a perfect life and died a death that I can only imagine. Even with all of that said I admit I get weak sometimes and I get angry but I know he still loves me and he understands. Its very apparent that this is not a road I would have chosen for myself but God is with me on it...holding me....I just have to let him guide me and I have to know that HE IS GOD and HE KNOWS IT ALL.

Hustle and Bustle- 1 Week Post-Surgery Check-Up

2009-12-27T19:01:00.000-08:00

Soo I know its been like a week since I updated my blog. But I didn't start feeling good enough to drive and shop until like 2 days before Christmas... so I have been running around like a crazy woman lol. It was nice to drive again but I am still a little sore. I really could have probably laid around in the my pjs for another week and not thought twice about it but I had to finish my Christmas shopping. Christmas was amazing...I got way more than I deserved but I got to be with all my family and to me that was better than all the gifts. We did get some dis-heartening news that Channings uncle Timmy has been diagnosed with colon cancer and the doctors found another spot on his liver. I'm asking everyone to lift him up in prayer. While this is hard diagnosis...I know God is soo much bigger than Cancer...he is soo much bigger than anything.
But I had my one week check up last tues (12/22). The doctor said "You are healing like a champ"....and I replied "Well I am in pain like a Champ". He said that my pain was due to my drain that was still in. They could not take it out because it has to drain less than 20 mls in 24 hours and it was not yet doing that. Dr. Webber said he could take it out but if he does it too soon the fluid from the bag would go into my arm and he would have to stick a needle in there and aspirate the contents. So I said "You just keep that bad boy in there as long at you want...and I will adjust" lol.
So here i sit almost two weeks after surgery and this stupid drain is still draining like 30 or so mls a day. I wont' lie this morning I was pretty depressed. I mean I'm pretty annoyed with this this. When I shower I have to wrap it around my neck and then re-bandage myself when I get out. Then i have to wear a shirt to bed that has a pocket to I can stick the stupid drain in it. Then I have to put a pillow under my arm and I can only lay on one side. I really almost didn't go to church this morning out of the pure frustration of how long it took me to get dressed and the fact that I had to wear my awesome fanny pack to church! But as i sat on my bed and swallowed my frustrations I realized it was only Satan trying persuade me not to go to church. Although my situation is frustrating God is faithful...there is a reason I am going through this. God would not give me more than I can handle. And obviously he thinks I can handle this..I just need to trust in him and know I can make it through...but lets not lie to ourselves that is sooo much easier said than done.
I am positive about this but I have my moments. I have cried looking at my self in the mirror...my scars and the stupid tube that protrudes from my side. I think of all the patients I took care of that had tubes and drains coming out them and I can honestly say I never had any idea how they felt until now. And honestly..its hard...its upsetting and its frustrating to look in the mirror and see that this is your body that looks like this and there is nothing you can do. Sometimes my heart is so heavy with so many questions and so much to say to god that all I can do is kneel in silence because I know he can see my heart and my fears. But this morning I did my best to lay it all down at church...to cry out to a God who is so great and mighty that he listens to my little prayer when there are soo many others who have prayers soo much greater than mine. But I know he hears my mine...he listens....and he holds me close even when I feel all alone.
I have another appointment this coming Tuesday 12/29 to recheck the drain and a meeting on January the 5th with a oncologist to discuss my next step in chemotherapy treatment. I can only hope and pray that it is ready to come out but if not I know I will deal with it because I know I am strong enough to. I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and remember that Jesus is the Reason for the Season. :)

Pathology Report

2009-12-18T11:43:00.000-08:00

So the pic to the left is me, my tubes, and my awesome fanny pack lol
So last night my surgeon's nurse Laura called me to give me results from my pathology report from surgery. On my right side they took about 1 1/2 inches of tissue and all the margins (that is the area all around the cancer) were clear. The also took 16 of my lymph nodes on my right side. Dr. Webber (the surgeon) likes for less than half of the lymph nodes to be cancerous. Only 2 of my 16 lymph nodes were cancerous. Last the sample they took from my left side was cancer free as well. So this is all a praise report and another testimony to how God is faithful to his promises. :) Psalm 9:1 "I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done, I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High."
Laura said she wanted to wait about 6 weeks to give my body time to heal before we began the next step of treatment. That next step will probably be chemo and then radiation. I will not lie that the thought of loosing my hair is one that terrifies and brings me to tears. However, it is just hair as many people have told me. A woman is more than her hair, more than her body, and more than her looks. This has definately taught me that its what on the inside that counts. Truth of the matter is that one day we will all pass away...our bodies will return to ashes and all the things that we thought were so important like our hair and makeup will no longer matter. I guess that is soo much easier for me to say right now seeing as I still have my hair. But if the worst thing that comes out of this is loosing my hair then I will survive. I have began to look at many things to differently in just the past few days after surgery that I almost can not explain it. Things that I used to get mad or frustrated about now seem to stupid so small compared to the big picture. I know that probably sounds like what most people who are faced with a big illness say...but that is honestly how I feel. I wish there was a way without wishing an illness on people that the world could look at things this way.....I believe it would change so much.
But on a more positive note today is my 1st real days without the pain pumps and I can say that pain is not really a problem it just I am sore. My arm has a weird empty feeling...which could be from the fact that the 16 lymph nodes that were once there are gone lol....im just sayin.
I wish I could express on my blog with my words...how much love and support I have received. I usually cry with every card, flower, text, facebook message, email etc. that I have received. It have moved me beyond words and given so much hope and strength. I have said it before and can say it again that the words "Thank You" do not do justice to how grateful I am.
Psalm 13:5-6 But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me"

Surgery 101

2009-12-17T08:21:00.000-08:00
So I am 3 days post-op. I can say that these first few days following surgery have not been absoloutely horrrible...I mean they have not been great but u know. Before surgery I had to go in and have a few guide wires put in and that was once again not the most pleasant experience. But I survived and kept going on the hospital to get the big stuff done. Surgery went well. The surgeon said he got everything and that he was happy with the way things went. Before surgery I was terrified to say the least...when Dr. Webber first came in my room...I cried as I asked him.... Will you take good care of me? He put his hand on my leg and said yes and I truly felt like he meant it. But still I was scared. I had about 10 people or so come in and out of the room they put me in before I went back and it was so wonderful to see my family before I went back. I made them wait to give me the fentanyl and versad until I had seen everyone so I could remember them. But let me just say when they gave it to me......It was awesome lol. Most of my anxiety went away as soon as it hit my blood stream. But after I had said my goodbyes to Channing and my mom and they wheeled me back into the operating room...my fears soon hit me one last time. I have to brag on my surgeon for a moment and tell everyone a story. As started to put the gas mask on me I threw my had up in the air and said WAIT!..Can you do one more thing before you put me to sleep...Can you pray? And with that he took my hand and a few nurses and the anesthesiologist gathered around me and he prayed for me and for the surgery. It is a moment that i will probably never forget.
The next thing I remember I was awoken by a nurse and can barely remember seeing shadows of my mom, channing, brother, aunt and uncle. I cried a little as some does when under anesthesia and I was wheeled to the car and taken home.
The past few days have been ok. Getting used to sleeping only on ur back is something that I can say I will probably never like. And getting used to getting up with tubes coming out of u and remembering to grab ur fanny back that hold it all is always annoying (seriously I mean the 80s called yesterday and asked for their fanny pack back...I mean seriously who has fanny packs these days lol). However, it is only for a few days so I can deal. Yesterday I finally got to take a shower which was what I will call a maneuvering task because I had to wrap all the tubes around me so they would not hang and pull on me. But I took full advantage of the water and stayed in till it turned cold lol.
Today I am hoping to take out my pain pumps as they look empty..but I won't lie I'm kind of nervous about idea of pulling some tube..as small as it may be out of me. I will also say that the support and Love I have felt the past few days has been one that always bring me to tears. I have gotten cards, texts, food, facebook messages...u name it and it has meant so much to me. God has been so faithful to be with me through it all and he has truly blessed me beyond anything that I deserve.
"I will exalt you, my God and King, and praise your name forever and ever. I will praise you everyday; yes, I will praise you every day; yes I will praise you forever. Greast is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise! No one can measure his greatness. Psalm 145 1-3

In Christ Alone

2009-12-13T01:07:00.000-08:00
As I sat in church today...my mind began to think of the next 24 hours and what they would bring. As the music began to play I knew God had heard my fears when one of my favorite songs began to play...and my eyes filled with tears as I sang the words...

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

God will not Give us more than we can handle

2009-12-05T14:52:00.000-08:00

So this weekend we went to my aunt's house to pick up a new couch she did not want anymore. It was a fun trip and a really pretty drive. A few minutes after we arrived to the house my Aunt's nephew arrived with his mother and brother. He ran up to my Aunt and asked her if she was feeling better (she had been sick the night before) and if she could come shopping with them. She said she wasn't and he hugged and asked her one more time just to check. Seeing Dalton for just a few minutes hit me very hard. You see Dalton has had leukemia since he was 21 months old. He has probably been poked, proded, pushed on more times than I can imagine. I almost did not recognize him he was so thin because he has what is called host vs. graft disease. He had a stem cell transplant and now his body was rejecting his own organs and he in not absorbing nutrients. In a few weeks he will have to have a stomach pump put in. My aunt says he has cried and cried about it. My heart sank and I could feel tears whelling up in my eyes and I swallowed a few times to hide them.
As I watched him walk away...I felt like someone had punched me in the face. Here I was upset over a little breast cancer diagnosis. One in which had great cure rates and many options for treatment. And her stood this young man who had pretty much grown up with leukemia...and yet he was as sweet and loving probably more than more kids were. I thought my situation could be worse and even though I was faced with a bigger obstacle that most people face....it was just that an... obstacle and one that I can overcome.
I thought at that moment of my father. Who had only two options...fight or die. He went through 6 bone marrow tests. Which is where they stick a needle into your hip and pull out marrow while you are still awake. He had two ports put in him and multiple types of chemo and spinal taps. Lord help me to stay humble in all of this and realize that it could be worse.....that God is leading me through this and he would not give me more than I can bear. Even though at point I may feel sorry for myself I think of those like my father and like Dalton who do not have many great options and who have to take what they are given...not matter the pain and suffering it may cause. I wish everyone had just one chance to see things as I saw them today..to realize the important things that matter in life and to realize that we only have one life and that God is that sustainer of that life. Everyday is a gift from him...and I promised myself that I would try and remember that even on the hardest days when I fell like its me against this disease.

New Changes

2009-11-27T14:35:00.000-08:00
So a few days ago the radiologist called me to say that the biopsy that they did of my left side ended up being benign. Now today I talked to my surgeon's nurse and she tells me that even though it was benign they still want to take it out because of how hard it was to get to they are afraid if they needle moved at all and they got a bad sample and it was malignant that the cancer could grow and I would be back in their office again in six months. So I agreed with what she said. Now this changes the date of surgery from the 11th to the 14th. So of course I'm not happy but I am ok with the fact that they office is trying not only to protect me but themselves. Better to be safe than sorry I suppose but that just means I have to cut on both sides...something I less than thrilled about but I can deal with. :)

The Consultation

2009-11-23T12:26:00.001-08:00
So today we sad down with the surgeon to go over the details of the type of cancer I have. My cancer is what is called estrogen positive which means that it feeds off estrogen, which means that I will never be allowed to take birth control. The cancer has also moved to one of my lymph nodes which now makes it a Stage II Grade II cancer. The doctor went over posibilites of a masectomy and a partial masectomy with me. And honestly being only 24 years old I am just not ready for that. He told me that the cure rate with a partial and full masectomy were the same. Just talking about the possibility of a masectomy to me is overwhelming. I mean my grandmother had one and I have seen picture of women that had them...but for this to meantioned to me as even an option was something that shook me in ways I can not explain.
We also went over different types of chemo and radiation. He said I would do radiation about 6 weeks after surgery 5 days a week for six weeks. WOW...5 DAYS A WEEK I thought and we also went over chemo options and the possibility of hair loss after we talked about these two things....anything else the doctor said for the next few minutes were a blur. I was speechless to the reality of how my life would change in the next few months.
Dr. Webber drew everything out for us on a board and took a pictre of it so we could better understand. But even then taking it all it I know will take some time. After our big conversations I drove home and slowly but surely I broke until I walked into my house and just let go. And that was ok...I have told myself that I am allowed to feel sorry for myself from time to time and be angry. And today I was I was angry at everything and I pittied myself for a while. But soon I was reminded all I did have to be thankful for and that God has and has continued to bless me with a great life. This was not a stop sign...and I would not not continue just because I have cancer. I choose to fight through this and know that I am guided by a force greater than me or modern medicine. That force is my God is so much bigger than Cancer and he will carry me through this.

TESTS, TESTS, TESTS

2009-11-20T20:25:00.000-08:00

So Today I went to Park West for a bone and CT scan. I end up having to go 4 hours late because I accidently drank something this morning and was supposed to have no food or drink for 24 hrs. But once again Channing AKA "Superman" (lol) came in to save the day by calling the hospital and changing my appointment time to 12:30. He's sooo always there to save the day...he's amazing. So...I'm just telling you that technology is not what it used to be. Did you know hospitals have the beepers now like restaurants do?? How awesome is that!!! Maybe I am a little too entertained by little things but I'm just saying its pretty cool.
So we get there and I check in while Channing goes to get a drink. Well much to my surprise here he comes a few minutes later w/a bag of chips, a drink, and some cheese cake. I'm like "You know I"m hungry and can't have ANYTHING to eat" and with that little kid grin he says "OH I FORGOT" lol. He's crazy but he makes me laugh and I love him.
So I go back there and they stick me AGAIN...in the same place...my stinkin ANTECUBITAL...which in case no one has been stuck there before is probably the most uncomfortable place to have an IV. I mean I can hardly bend my arm. Then she asks me what flavor I want and I'm like "FOR WHAT??". Apparently I have to drink this ice cream milk shake thing...and FYI VANILLA IS NOT THE BEST FLAVOR. LOL
So I have my CT scan and they inject me with this stuff and the guy is like ok "You are going to feel warm and like you peed your pants but I promise you didnt". I'm like "Oh Oh Okay...I think". So all the sudden I feel firey warm and sure enough there is it I could have sworn I just peed my pants lol. But I realize there are two male technicians lookin at me through the glass so I'm like I really hope I didn't actually pee myself cause I realize I can't actually check in the position I am in lol. And I swear at the same time I was peeing fluid was leaking from my ears lol. But needless to say I did not pee my pants and no fluid was leaking from my ears so CODE GREEN we are good to go. :) Oh yea and my bone scan looked great too so its sooo nice to hear good news for once :) Well there's today's adventure...hopefully the next will be even better or funnier.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6

Meet The Surgeon

2009-11-19T20:17:00.000-08:00

So today I met the doctor that will do my surgery. His name is Dr.Webber and he is awesome. I felt so comfortable with him and trusting. He actually did the first masectomy in Knoxville, what year he would not tell me lol. Scary would probably be the word for today because I did no really know what he was going to tell me and I knew whatever he said could change my life even more than it already had been. My mom and channing came with me. While my mom was nervous as I was Channing was ready to go. Writing down questions and asking me to come up with more questions to ask. I mean if it was up to him I would just go ahead and have a double masectomy and get rebuilt with a new chest that was rock solid...LITERALLY lol. But I know he just wants whatever will guarantee that once this is gone it never returns.
So back on a serious note Dr. Webber told me that I would meet with the Oncologist, Surgeon, Radiologist and nurses on Monday (11/24) once all my tests came back and we could look at all the options. The one thing we know is I will need a partial masectomy to remove the lump and then chemo, radiation or both. Now I won't lie when he said chemo I asked the hard question "Will I loose my hair" and the answer of course was "Yes". Now I was ok until this moment. I mean as a women your hair is the topic of many conversations and many hard decision on the type of color and cut you want. Now you just want me to be ok with just not having any???? ARE U SERIOUS???? Channing was like well "I will shave mine offf too" lol. This may be one of the hardest things for me, although the decision on chemo has not been made the is one of the topics that hit a nerve.
Then he says many women who get this type of cancer and go into remission live long lives and are still alive for many years down the road. And the thought hits me...."My own mortality." WOW...there's one you might not like to think about. I mean you think about it from time to time esp at funerals and since my father just died 6 months ago the thought has crossed my mind pretty often. But there I sat not just thinking about it but faced with it and I thought to myself "God, is this really my life?". And the answer hit me like a ten ton of bricks "Yes this is my life and I can choose to live it and fight through this or give up and die"...such harsh words but so true.
You know I have always been scared of death...not b/c I did not know where I was going but because the thought of eternity scared me. That might sound weird but its true. But something happend when I thought about it now...facing what I was facing... I felt peace a peace I have never felt in my whole life of reading the bible, going to church and praying to God. It was the most awesome thing and I hope everyone experiences that peace in their lives, hopefully not in this situation but just in some way.
So I go change into what channing calls my "KUNG FOO" outfit and have 3 ultrasounds and 1 MRI done. I mean everytime I turned around someone was wanting to check me out....AGAIN!Funny story about the MRI...not sure if anyone has had one but for a breast MRI you have to lay face down in a pillow and CAN NOT MOVE for 30 minutes! In case no one has seen me since like I was BORN...I have some pretty big cheeks. (Its ok you can laugh I know they are big lol) So the first time they push me back into this this I am pretty much choking on my cheeks and I yell into the microphone "Yea we're gonna have to try this again". So she pulls me out of this thing and I re-arrange my face and we are ready for take off. lol
Then came the news....one of my lymph nodes looked irregular and another biopsy was needed. AND...there was a spot that showed up on my left side that needed to be biopsied. I mean I was drained ready to go and here I was having to do another biopsy. Needless to say I sucked it up and they took what they needed.
So six hours laters I left the office and came out to find Channing sleeping in the care. This poor guy had waited all day in the waiting room w/ no TV, only a few men's magazines and only 1 TV show on his IPOD that I'm sure he had watched a few time over lol. And apparently now he is the breast cancer goooru b/c he read the whole book that the doctor gave us. I do feel blessed to have a man that would just sit and wait all day literally on me....only to have me come out and fall into his arms drained from the day. Today was a day that maybe gave me a glimpse into what lies ahead. Hard days but days ending with the arms of those who love me even in my darkest times.

The News

2009-11-18T19:20:00.000-08:00
Today was a day that I'm sure I will always remember. I was given some news by my doctors that would change my life and everything I thought I knew in a matter of minutes. I was told that I had breast cancer and my first thought literally was "Your kidding right?". But after a few moments when I realized my doctor was serious...I couldn't believe it. He was talking to me a 24 year old girl whose biggest problem that day was making it to work on time and now I was being told I had cancer.
But there I sat being told I was going to have to ask the BIG QUESTIONS and start looking into the future. To say I was shocked would be an HUGE understatement. I brought no one with me to the doctor because I never thought in my wildest dreams thought I would get news like this. But there I was face to face with I never thought I would have to think about for at least another 10 years. But here I am facing it or at least trying to, asking for everyone's prayers.
I do not know what God's plan is for my life or why it's me that's having to go through this. But I suppose many people say that when they get news like this. But the truth is no one deserves or wants to get cancer but people do and that is the straight of it. All I do know is that GOD IS IN CONTROL. He holds my hand and walks with me through all of this and will lead me through it all. So I hope you all enjoy my story......I hope it brings awareness and maybe some hope and inspiration. I mean I am the biggest baby of them all (lol) and if I can do it anyone can.
My favorite line from my favorite poem "Foot Prints" pretty much says it all...........................
"My son, my precious child,I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,it was then that I carried you."