Listening and Waiting

So in my mind I had already written this post......I laid out for myself how I was going to write without sounding too sad that I had cancer again on my other side.  However, the Lord works in mysterious ways and he had another plan.  To explain the whole situation let me take you back a few weeks ago.

I of course had to take my normal Kung Foo Fighting Pic before my Mammogram lol

I had just gone in for my routine 6 month mammogram and was thrown for a loope when I was told I was also scheduled for my routine MRI.  You see I HATE MRIs because I am highly chlosterphobic and so putting me in a hole for almost half an hour tends to freak me out.  I tend to deal with it better if I cry and freak out about it at home so by the time I get there I've pretty much worn myself out....pitiful yes....but did it work.....you bet it did! lol 
Well a few days after the MRI I got a call from the radiologist saying that a small area had shown up on the MRI on my remaining left breast.  So I immediately knew what that meant......a MRI biopsy....aka "worst fear"!  I know many out there who read this blog and know many others with cancer probably may not realize the pain and suffering that goes into the tests doctors perform on us to determine if we have cancer.  One of the worst I can think of is bone marrow biopsies and liver biopsies....they are extremely painful.  With an MRI biopsy they not only put you in a hole while your face down....they then proceed to jab a needle in your chest filled with lidocaine, which by the way burns like non-other, and then if you move they have to start all over again.  The whole process takes about 45 minutes and for me is torture.  I prayed, I cried, and I talked to my most amazing friends, nurses and family about it until I was blue in the face and I agreed to do it.  I gave myself enough benadryl to make me too tired to cry and then I took some valium so pretty much I was a walking Zombie but by the grace of God I can say I made it through it.  A few days later the radiologist called saying it was just scar tissue and that I was in the clear.
And then the strangest thing happened after I hung up the phone......I wasn't filled with happiness I was filled with so many emotions that all I could do was cry.  You think to yourself...gah...you must be crazy.  I felt like I had made the people I had told feel sorry for me when really there was nothing wrong.....like I had thrown a pitty party for myself and I was sick about it.  And you see.....I want to have reconstruction at some point and I have contemplated letting them take my other breast but if you've never done it let me tell you that giving permission for a doctor to cut off a part of your body is a heartbreaking thing to do and I felt like I needed a sign.....and for me I was going to take this new situation as God's way of telling me that I needed to have the breast removed and now I didn't have a clear sign anymore and I felt like I was lost...AGAIN!  Cancer is a funny and horrible thing.......you let them cut you and then you agree to let them cut you again to fix what they orginally cut in the first place.  It leaves you confused and wondering which way to go. 
I've finally reached the point where I can look at the myself in the mirror and see the slash that goes across my chest where a breast once stood....however...I don't look for long because my heart breaks all over again.  I've said it before and it still stands true...I can't wait for the day when I  see my savior and he makes me new.... and fixes what cancer has taken from me.  I'm in a weird place......I want to feel like a woman again....but I don't want to be cut on.  I want God to sit down with me in person.....I want him to clearly tell me what to do.......but you see that is probably my problem......in all the words I have just typed I have just typed the words "I want".  And the truth is I need to just sit and listen to what he wants.  I am kind of fearful about posting this because well one of my biggest fears is people just being there because they feel sorry for me.  I've had it happen and if you've ever been sick I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  So let me say this while what I went through wasn't the easiest thing ever there are people that have it worse......people's whose suffering is waaayyy beyond mine or anything I can imagine.  But I've learned that its ok to admit that what you are going through is tough even if there are those that have it worse.  I think this quote says it best "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain".  While for some I know the storm may not be from cancer but  I know that life can sometimes seem like all its doing is raining down on you.  In those moments I always think of a song from casting crowns that is based off of Psalm 121 and its says "I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from, my help comes from the Lord the maker of Heaven and Earth"
Like I said in the beginning the Lord works in mysterious way and his thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways not my ways and so for now I will sit and listen to the one voice I need to hear above all others.
"I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands." Psalm 31:25-15
Oh and one last thing...when you say your prayers tonight would you say one for my dear friend Karson and her Husband Jason.  She is in the Young Cancer Survivor Group that I go to and has been battling metastatic breast cancer for over 2 years and after too many surgeries she is having to do chemo again....UGH!  I tear up just talking about her...she and her husband are two of the sweetest and most humble people I have ever had the priveledge of knowing. :)  Check out her CaringBridge blog! :)




We Love Smores! :)



Me and Karson


Also I have a few other friends who are battling reoccurrence Mandy and Leslie. Here we all are at the cancer camp we went to in Colorado.

Oh and my sweet friend Morgan who I met through my blog she is only 19 and battling breast cancer. 

Race For The Cure :)

So we recently had the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure  and Buddy's Race For The Cure and WOW looking back on the pictures what a difference a year makes. I am beyond grateful for another year to celebrate survival with those I love.  I am also so blessed to have people come out and show their support at the race.  You know when you really think about it no one is obligated to be there for you when you're sick.  No one HAS to call you, or send letters, texts, emails, facebook messages, etc.  And the fact that people actually do this really blows me away and well brings tears to my eyes.....God has truly blessed me.  And now that that teary moment is over (lol) here's some fun pics from the race :)

Stretching Before the Walk lol

Me and Chemo Bear :)

Team Keep HOPE Alive :)

Me and Stefani (Survivor Buddies)

Survivors and Our Survivor Co-Chair (lol) Lucilla

Your MAN Reminder

So my friend had this posted on her facebook page and I just had to share.  Hope it puts a little laughter in your day like it did mine.  Oh and if you have an iphone there's even an app to go along with it....lol :)

1st Hair Cut

I also had another milestone in my cancer journey....I got my first Hair Cut.  My sweet friend Chris cut it for me and it was a special moment.  Its been almost 2 years since I've had my hair cut and I will say you don't appreciate things like a simple hair cut until you dont' have the hair to cut.  It's a small victory in the battle but you celebrate the small things and that is what I try to do. I am so thankful for sweet friends that will take the time out of their day to give a simple, yet amazing hair cut. The one thing I thank god the most for is having the ability to roll down the window on nice fall days, turn my music up, and let the wind hit my HAIR and not care that's its gonna mess it up.  God can teach you so much from the little things in life if we just take the time to listen :)

My Friend Chris and I

My Attempt At Trying to Show my Hair Cut

Michael Jackson Called He Wants His Glove Back ;)

Well I realize that I have officially been the biggest slacker of them all when it comes to updating my blog. So far life has been moving along at a pretty fast pace and sometimes at certain points I forget that I was ever sick.  However, chemo and cancer being the two trouble makers that they are.....have made it so that I would not forget about them that easily.  About six months ago I began to notice that I was having some swelling in my hand on my "cancer side".  I tried to ignore it because well honestly I flippin hate going to the doctor....it takes up my day and is kinda depressing because its a reminder that well I've had cancer.  So all my ignoring came to a halt when I looked down at my right hand one day and noticed you could not longer see the tendons in my hand like you could on my left hand and that I had no knuckles when I bent my hand.  I figured at this point that I should go see the lymphedema doctor that I had been to before.  So after a quick examination of my hand and some
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"Fat Hand" as I call her is on the Left

measurements of my hand and arm she told me that the slight case of lymphedema that had one just been in my arm had now moved to my hand.  So for the past couple months we have tried different wrappings that were ineffective in treating the lymphedema in my hand.  For those that do not know what lymphedema is, it is caused when your lymphatic system is compromised.  With me the compromise in my system happened when I had 20 lymph nodes removed over less than 1 year in 2 different surgeries.
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"No Kuckle Fat Hand" lol

Your lymph system serves as a filter for your body and so when you do not have the nodes anymore to filter the lymph or "dirt" like i think of it, the lymph backs up in your body and for me it has gone into my hand.  Believe me I know it could be worse but as 26 year old woman it is beyond frustrating having your hand wraped up swollen and hurting all the time.  After a few weeks of unsuccessful wrappings that did not decrease the swelling the doctor determined my hand was not edematous (filled with fluid) like most people but was actually fibrotic scar tissue, which is alot more difficult to fix.
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Attempt #1 at Being Like Michael Jackson

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My Michael Jackson Hand lol

As you can see they have tried a few different wrapping techniques.....which are all fine and well until you try and wash your hands....and oh wait...U CAN'T!  The tape you see on my arm in the above picture is called Kinesio tape which is designed to pull at the lymph vessels, which are directly below the surface of the skin, and help stimulate the lymph vessels to help move the fluid out of my hand.  They have also put the tape across my back and side because they was also fluid collection there too.  Who knew messing with your lymph nodes could cause such problems???  I would have posted pics of the tape on my side and back but I decided that I didn't wanna scar people with those kinda pics...lol...let's just say I never miss breakfast lol ;)  So for now I have an awesome looking glove and sleeve that I wear that looks alot better than all these wrappings......it was only about $500 for the set.....thank you Jesus for insurance! So why there are reasons for me to be frustrated I try and stay positive.  My hand is a constant reminder of the battle I have fought but its just a glove on my hand and if that's all I gotta wear at this point I'll take it and pray for peace in my day to day frustrations.  After a while I have found humor in it all...for example...almost every old person looks at my hand and asks if I have arthritis and before I can say "no" they start asking where they can get an arthritis glove like mine...lol.  Needless to say I have found a way to keep the conversations like that to a minimum...and they go a little like this
Customer:  Oh wow...is that an arthritis glove?
Me: well......
Customer:  me, my mom, and my sister all have arthritis and I'd love to have one of those
Me:  well actually my hand just swells sometimes so its a compression glove...
Customer:  Oh u mean like from carpal tunnel?
Me:  Well no...but you know you might check your local walgreens I hear they have great selections of arthritis gloves
Customer: oh wow..thank you
Now that ladies and gentlemen is the way to stop the conversation b/f they tell the rest of their life story lol
At first I was frustrated with the way every customer asked me what happened to my hand...my favorite line was always when they asked if I'd burned my hand??? I'd say no but think to myself "well if I had burned myself I appreciate how you drew attentions to it but asking me lol".  You gotta love working with the public they are sooo entertaining.  But you know God has a reason for everything and if this glove allows me to share my story with one person and glorify God in it all then well that's ok by me :)

Awake To the Moments

Seems lately I feel like I've spent a lot of time wishing parts of my life back.  I miss my child hood days when I can't remember what I was even worried about....when my biggest fear was who was I gonna sit next to at lunch time or if the cute boy at school like me.  Today seems so far from the simple days of my childhood.......I feel like the second I'm forgettin about one problem I'm thinking about another....wondering what life holds for me. I've had some lonely moments her recently and one of my bestest friends recently told me....your trying to do it all by yourself....you've got to give it to God.  I know we all feel alone and this is definitely not a pity party for Sarah post because I know we all feel alone sometimes...no matter what your going through.  I came upon this video today and read this verse in my devotions last night.....hope u enjoy :)
Matthew 6:34
"So don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today"

Mammograms, Ultrasounds, and Kung Foo Fighting...say WWHHHATTT!!

So last week I went for my 1st  mammogram and ultrasound since surgery.  I had to take a picture of the biopsy table.....while its easy to see this as a sad place I choose to see it as a place where I was lucky enough, while on this table, to be surounded by amazing radiologists and during every biopsy a nurse named Lisa stood holding my hand...she is the amazing, wonderful, kind, and the most humble nurse anyone could ask for. Now keep in mind that the moment I see a needle tears come to my eyes..I've been known to make more than one nurse cry...I'm pretty pitiful...I'll admit lol.....but Lisa has cried with me during every moment......and I choose to be happy that even though I hate needles and biopsies I was surrounded by love during all of my ordeals :)

So back to the real story....the mammogram and ultra-sound were of course clear like they always are......and I was of course was  relieved.   However, I won't lie.....I don't really "trust" the mammograms or ultrasounds....the only time they have picked up something on the mammogram or ultrasound is after I found it! I will say I am so unbelievable thankful for all the people at KCBC....when I say anyone and everyone I meet there is always smiling....always so warm and caring to me and though I know I don't always say it...it means so much to be some-where that people genuinely care about patients...I try and remember their kindness when I am frustrated at work...I try and be to other what they have been to me...a blessing...a smile to brighten their day. So while anxiety ran high while waiting to go back and I did have some relief that everything was clear. I even had time to realize that my sumo robe made me look like a Kung Foo Fighter...don't you agree ha ha



Everybody was Kung Foo Fighting :)


 I realize that I struggle with being afraid that I will live the rest of my life in fear of what the future holds. But then I think....doesn't everyone live like that in some way. Fear is a part of life.......but its trusting that this life is not the end that there's something greater after it...that there's a God whose bigger than anything I or you may ever go through. :) WOW...its easy to write....but harder to fathom. A friend that I have gained through my blog wrote me an email the other day....it moved me so much I have to share because its an honest depiction of some of the thoughts those who have had breast cancer have:


"As much as I KNOW God is in control of my life, I wish just once He would put skin on and sit next to me and TELL me OUT LOUD that He’s there. We put these masks on for others, but inside, it’s hard to find the why, the purpose, and the “rest of your life” in it all. Boy, I didn’t mean for this to sound down and dreary. But I want you to know that, in a world of people who say “everything will be fine” that there are those of us who understand the human side, those of who have been there, lost a boob, and look at that scare and wonder. . . ."

We all wonder...and I wonder if it will always be like this.  Everyday I have to wake up and think I'm alive...God didn't want me yet....he has a purpose for my life.......I just have to choose to trust him and take it one day...one step at a time :)  I hope everyone who reads this can listen to the video I posted below.......when I first heard thing song I was brought to tears..the chorus to the song says it all :) No matter what your going through I hope today you feel God's love and his arms surrounding you...no matter what the situation :)

"Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"