Sunday, May 1, 2011

Suffering and healing

So there something I've been wanting to write about on my blog for a while now.  I've had a hard time trying to figure out exactly what and/or how to say it...without sounding like a big ole complainer.  But I feel like I could not have an honest blog about what its been like to go through breast cancer without writing about this.  Many know that I had a right sided mastectomy last November.  And for those that do not know what a mastectomy means that my right breast was removed..........seems its alot easier when I use a big word to describe what actually was done.......b/c when I have to explain what that means many time I feel tears filling my eyes.  At dinner recently with a close friend I had to explain to her what mastectomy meant......and it didn't matter that we were in the middle of a restaurant....the tears flowed freely between us both when the reality of what had happened was set on the table.  The thing is thousands of women unfortunately have to have this done every year and I hate it...I wish there was another way.  Everyone experiences it in different ways....for some they get it done....and move on....on just keep it to themselves but for others such as seems I can't get away from it.  I still find it excruciating to look at myself in the mirror....I usually stand on my left side so when I see myself I will look "normal".  I have a prosthesis or "foob" (fake boob) as I like to call it and it has helped alot to improve myself esteem.  My only problem is that sometimes u can see it in tank tops.
I say all that to say this....I have found in the past few weeks that I'm angry. Almost like I'm angry with God.....but why? he didn't do that to me.  I know in my heart God didn't create cancer.  But I'd be lying if I didn't admit I have questioned him.......why couldn't this have waited until after I had children....until I was older...I mean why was putting my breast on the chopping block the only way.  I combine my frustrations with having cancer twice and then have to bury my father and brother in less than 3 years. I feel like I am just waiting on the next horrible thing to I'm awaiting the next goodbye I will have to say to a loved one. Its all a little over whelming for me when I stop and think about it.  I wanna feel sorry for myself.....I want pity...but most of all I want it to  have NEVER happened.  But the cold hard truth is that it did happened  and the truth is no matter what age its unfair...plain and simple.  I find the anger wells up inside me many times I just go to sleep to distract myself from the pain.  I have been approved for reconstruction and in August after I graduate I plan on doing the first surgery.  Though my head says "yea now you can get on the road to feeling proportional again" heart says "ugh...another surgery...ur gonna let them cut you AGAIN"  For the type of surgery I need they will have to cut my back open and move the muscle to the front to create a breast.  The thought brings tears to my eyes and a sickness in my stomach.  Until August I am gonna be in deep prayer that I can come to a peace about this.  My last surgery was so "unpeaceful" that I'd like to have a little less anxiety about this one. 
After I have said all of that I say this......its times like these when I tell my frustrations that I feel like I understand the truth meaning of having a relationship with God....spending time with him........being honest with him and trusting that he knows what he's doing and he is with u....even in ur darkest times of trouble.  I want everyone to know that  no matter what you are suffering through at the moment know its ok to take time to grieve, to feel sorry for urself....its ok to just take some time for u.  Do I think time has healed my wound...NO...but do I think Jesus can heal my wound...those physical and emotional YES!  There will come a day when all the hurting and sadness of this world will be gone...though many times I wonder if that day will every really come.  This week God gave me the perfect verse for all my fears:
 Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain, All these things are gone forever"
  I was also recently was given this bible verse and it really spoke to me and what I am going through right now....
1 Peter 5:10 "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you in a firm foundation"