Radiation and Beyond......

Well since the last time I updated I have finished my 15 round of full brain radiation....WOO HOO! Here's a fun pic of me after I finished my radiation. They even let me keep the helmet...not sure what do to with it besides maybe use it for next Halloween lol.  

Woo Hoo Last Radiation :)

The radiologist says I need to wait about a month for another MRI....and like you I was thinking "dang that's along time to wait" but he explained it like this...it takes 2 weeks for half the radiation to clear out of my head and another few weeks for enough of it to clear out for the tumors to be seen clear enough on the MRI to see if the tumors have shrunk.
I saw my oncologist last week and he started me on a drug called Xeloda that I take for 7 days and then am off for 7 days along with the Tykerb that I take 5 pills of at night.
I have also been taking steroids for the inflammation in my brain and so far it is my biggest complex.  For those that don't know the side effects of steroids can be cosmetically very difficult and for me that is the problem.  They make you swell horribly and have caused extremely painful acne on my face.  It happened pretty quickly and I definitely wasn't expecting it and I'd be lying if I told you it wasn't so far one of the most difficult things I have experienced.  I find myself going between work and home and that's it........I hate looking at myself and find people seem to stare more well because the swelling  makes it obvious that I'm sick.  But fortunately the doctors said it would go away but it will take about a month or two.  So for now I pray......a sweet friend of mine told me...tell God how you feel he can handle it....and I have....I've cried and I've prayed. 
Matthew 11:28 I think says it best:  "Jesus said "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls"
 What's funny is that you always hear "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"....."beauty is only skin deep"......but I tell you that's so much easier said than done.  And I've always said I will be honest and so I am......as a 26 year old woman those saying used to be something so much easier for me to say to someone and now that I'm living it its a much different story.  I know God still sees the inside me but my struggle right now is the outside and I've been honest and I encourage any man/woman out there...no matter what your struggle be honest with God he can take...he does understand....and even in my darkest times when I feel hideous I can feel him there.
Psalm 10:5
"Weeping may remain for the a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning"
Another struggle is my fatigue.  I was warned by the radiologist that fatigue (tiredness)...which has at points kept me in bed for a day or two which is difficult for a person like who me is definitely not a home body but luckily after a day or two of sleeping I've been able to continue to work.....works makes me feel normal. :)
I've also had to shave my head...which really wasn't that bad this time around.....kinda know how everything goes the second time around so it was more fun having my Mom and sister in law come and buzz my hair.  I was humbled and and shocked when my sister in law came in to shave my head with her head fully shaved. She is the most amazing woman

A verse that I've read that has really helped me is Matthew 17:20
"You don't have enough faith Jesus told them "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say this to the mountain, move from here to there and it would move, Nothing would be impossible" 
This verse reminds me not to look at my mountain but to look at God because well he's bigger than this mountain...I must continue to look to him. 
"There is no cry so good as that which comes from the bottom of the mountains; no prayer half so hearty as that which comes up from the depths of the soul, through deep trials and afflictions. For they bring us to God and we are happier, for nearness to God is happiness."

I really hope I haven't spent this blog being negative just honest about my struggles but the fact that I feel like I couldn't make it without my heavenly father.  Tears are shed daily on my part but I can't explain that  even in my tears the peace I feel from the arms of my savior :) who I know continues to hold me even when I feel like I'm all alone. :)
Here's a video I've also been listening to that really soothes my soul........

Full Brain Radiation......I Look Like Robo Cop lol

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Mold of My Head

So I apologize for droppin that last bomb on people and then not updating until now.  Seems like I've been a little over-whelmed with life lately and how drastic things are changing but no worries I am trudging ahead.  So as of today 1/18/2010 I have 3 more full brain radiation treatments to go.....YAY!   They are then going to wait a week or two and do another MRI of the brain to see how the radiation has worked.....or in other words to see if the tumors have shrank at all.   Since my last post I have been doing full brain radiation treatments every morning...and If u know me then u know I of course had to take pics to maybe help people understand what exactly they do in full brain radiation.  First they have to make a mold of my head and for all you ladies and even men who have had a paraffin done one their hands or feet that is kind of what it feel like when they mold the plastic to your face.  Here's a pic. Now you may ask why they have to make a mold of my head...why can't I just lay down on the table since we know all the radiation is going straight into my brain......have no fear...I asked that question and they said it was because they wanted to double check that my head didn't move and since we r dealing with such things as radiation...I agree lol. 
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Me and The Mask Bolted To Table...Get A-load of that Nose lol

So every morning I get up and I try and worry less, which I know sounds crazy and I try and remind myself that God's got this....he has promised to hold my hand and I can feel him...literally....I know he's there and I pray and I head to radiation and it only takes about ten minutes. The first day freaked me out a bit and if u look at this next pic you will see why
...because not only do they have u in a mask they also bolt you down to the bed...like something from saw.  When the radiation begins it smells like burning plastic and the first time I heard it I swear the first thing I said to my self was "I swear if I die because this plastic burns into my face when I get to the pearly gates I'm having God send me back because I"m haunting EVERYBODY!" lol  ..but luckily I"m still here and the smell is just a common side effect of those receiving full brain radiation so I've come to expect in my day to day treatments. 
Another part of the radiation is that well its going to kill my hair follicles on the hair and has already begun to do so but I'm hoping to keep my hair as long as possible.  Hoping this second time might not be as bad as the first.
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Just Me After I Finished A Morning Round of Radiation

But if you've ever lost your hair you may have experienced this but your hair actually hurts when it dies...so many evenings I lay on the couch with a extra large ice pack on my head to freeze my hair follicles because when my hair moves it actually hurts because the follicles are dead...its CRAZY!...sorry  I dont' have a pic of that....lol....that will be my next project. 




OK so onto our next line of treatment.  My oncologist has started me on what I light to call a "light" chemo...if that even exists.  We started today and its called Herceptin.  I did it IV when I was in nursing school and tolerated it rather well....so my prayer is that I will do that same again. I am also taking a medication call Tykerb 5 times a day and as soon as the radiation is over I will also start on a pill call Xeloda.  If you know me then u know I HATE taking pills so this is nightly struggle for me but I do as I am told.
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Me and My 2 Favorite Oncologists :)

Proverbs 4:27  Equilibrium. Balance of the heart and mind and passions. To set out boldly in the winds of life and circumstances and neither bend nor falter.  Plant your feet solidly on the Rock.  Let the winds blow about you with all their force. They have no power to harm you, for I AM your Rock.  I AM your anchor Let Me be your peace, your power, your stabilizer. Bend neither to the right nor the left but receive your balance in Me" 

Ready or Not Here Comes Cancer

I have sat here for about an hour trying to figure out how to start this newest and probably most difficult blog post I have ever had to write. I hate having to tell bad news and I hate the thought of anyone being upset but like I have always said I feel like God has me on this journey for a reason and if some how my journey can help or positively affect someone by showing the grace and mercy of our Lord and Savior then I will do it.  And so with that here goes nothing........it is with the heaviest of heart that I have to reveal my latest diagnosis of Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer. 
To make a long story short.....I will tell you that it all started when I had to pull over to the side of the road on Christmas Eve while driving with my nephew because my eyes were bothering me.  I have been seeing what many call "floaters" in my eyes for months now....however, these are very common symptoms of migraines but on this particular night the "floaters" I saw completely took over my vision and by the time I pulled into a neighborhood and parked the car.....I blacked out.  Thanks to my "hero" and amazing nephew  who flagged down some residents of the neighborhood and then called 911.   I was then transported by ambulance to a local hospital where a CT scan was done on my head and 3 lesions were discovered. One on the occipital lobe, one on the cerebrum, and one on the frontal lobe.

I was then transported to another hospital that had neurologists that could see me. So by the time I got settled into the hospital it was almost 5 am on Christmas Eve.....but as always we made it eventful.....
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A funny pic that my Fav Nicole Took of Me :)

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Me and My Amazing Niece Kailea...We r Rock Stars!

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Canister Full of Radioactive Dye....FANTASTIC! LOL

Later on in the week I had a PET scan of my entire body and met with my oncologist.  The news he gave me was a little more than what we were expecting.  For those that don't know during a PET scan you are injected with radioactive dye  out of a canister and I of course had to take a pic......and the dye lights up in your body where there is active disease.  Unfortunately... along with the tumors in my brain there was evidence of active disease in my liver, my hip, my tail bone, and my sub-sternal lymph nodes (lymph nodes that run down next to your trachea)


While yes I try to always find a way to have fun with it all I would be lying if I told you I was not still in shock and trying to process how just last week I was stressing about where I wanted to apply to finish my Bachelors in Nursing and this week.....I am contemplating what my life may now begin to look like.  The good and bad things about having cancer previously is that I have a great support system of cancer posse and survivors to turn to but I also know what life battling cancer looks like and I know how difficult the journey I am about to embark on is going to be.  A friend sent me this verse this morning and it was so perfect to how I feel
" I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and He heard me. He set me free from all my fears." Psalm 34:6
So the plan for now is this......I am to start full brain radiation in attempts to shrink the tumors TOMORROW.  I dont' know how I feel at this point....I feel like I am still processing the major shift my life has suddenly taken.  But I know I will wake up in just a few hours and I will do my best to face tomorrow with the peace that my God has promised me that surpasses all understanding.  Am I afraid YES....but do I still trust in my never failing, ever lasting God....YES and do I believe in miracles and the healing power of Jesus....YES!  I am also starting on two different chemo pills, Tykerb and Xeloda....a whopping 11 pills a day....EXCITING STUFF! lol.  I am also going for a bone scan on Thursday and praying for good results :)
Some have asked if I will be doing IV chemo and radiation but my oncologist has explained that you can not do IV chemo and full brain radiation at the same time because it can cause you to go toxic.  So for now we do one thing at a time and we will start with the brain...doing 15 straight days of  Full brain radiation followed by a MRI to see if that radiation has shrunk the tumors and then we will move on from there.

I know God has heard ever scream and caught every tear I have cried over this past week because believe me I will be honest and tell you there have been many.  To say I have an amazing family and friends who have sat with me, cried with me, listened to me, and just been there for me would be an understatement.  I will never EVER be able to repay all the love I have seen over just the past week....but I will spend my lifetime trying to repay it.

Listening and Waiting

So in my mind I had already written this post......I laid out for myself how I was going to write without sounding too sad that I had cancer again on my other side.  However, the Lord works in mysterious ways and he had another plan.  To explain the whole situation let me take you back a few weeks ago.

I of course had to take my normal Kung Foo Fighting Pic before my Mammogram lol

I had just gone in for my routine 6 month mammogram and was thrown for a loope when I was told I was also scheduled for my routine MRI.  You see I HATE MRIs because I am highly chlosterphobic and so putting me in a hole for almost half an hour tends to freak me out.  I tend to deal with it better if I cry and freak out about it at home so by the time I get there I've pretty much worn myself out....pitiful yes....but did it work.....you bet it did! lol 
Well a few days after the MRI I got a call from the radiologist saying that a small area had shown up on the MRI on my remaining left breast.  So I immediately knew what that meant......a MRI biopsy....aka "worst fear"!  I know many out there who read this blog and know many others with cancer probably may not realize the pain and suffering that goes into the tests doctors perform on us to determine if we have cancer.  One of the worst I can think of is bone marrow biopsies and liver biopsies....they are extremely painful.  With an MRI biopsy they not only put you in a hole while your face down....they then proceed to jab a needle in your chest filled with lidocaine, which by the way burns like non-other, and then if you move they have to start all over again.  The whole process takes about 45 minutes and for me is torture.  I prayed, I cried, and I talked to my most amazing friends, nurses and family about it until I was blue in the face and I agreed to do it.  I gave myself enough benadryl to make me too tired to cry and then I took some valium so pretty much I was a walking Zombie but by the grace of God I can say I made it through it.  A few days later the radiologist called saying it was just scar tissue and that I was in the clear.
And then the strangest thing happened after I hung up the phone......I wasn't filled with happiness I was filled with so many emotions that all I could do was cry.  You think to yourself...gah...you must be crazy.  I felt like I had made the people I had told feel sorry for me when really there was nothing wrong.....like I had thrown a pitty party for myself and I was sick about it.  And you see.....I want to have reconstruction at some point and I have contemplated letting them take my other breast but if you've never done it let me tell you that giving permission for a doctor to cut off a part of your body is a heartbreaking thing to do and I felt like I needed a sign.....and for me I was going to take this new situation as God's way of telling me that I needed to have the breast removed and now I didn't have a clear sign anymore and I felt like I was lost...AGAIN!  Cancer is a funny and horrible thing.......you let them cut you and then you agree to let them cut you again to fix what they orginally cut in the first place.  It leaves you confused and wondering which way to go. 
I've finally reached the point where I can look at the myself in the mirror and see the slash that goes across my chest where a breast once stood....however...I don't look for long because my heart breaks all over again.  I've said it before and it still stands true...I can't wait for the day when I  see my savior and he makes me new.... and fixes what cancer has taken from me.  I'm in a weird place......I want to feel like a woman again....but I don't want to be cut on.  I want God to sit down with me in person.....I want him to clearly tell me what to do.......but you see that is probably my problem......in all the words I have just typed I have just typed the words "I want".  And the truth is I need to just sit and listen to what he wants.  I am kind of fearful about posting this because well one of my biggest fears is people just being there because they feel sorry for me.  I've had it happen and if you've ever been sick I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  So let me say this while what I went through wasn't the easiest thing ever there are people that have it worse......people's whose suffering is waaayyy beyond mine or anything I can imagine.  But I've learned that its ok to admit that what you are going through is tough even if there are those that have it worse.  I think this quote says it best "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain".  While for some I know the storm may not be from cancer but  I know that life can sometimes seem like all its doing is raining down on you.  In those moments I always think of a song from casting crowns that is based off of Psalm 121 and its says "I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from, my help comes from the Lord the maker of Heaven and Earth"
Like I said in the beginning the Lord works in mysterious way and his thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways not my ways and so for now I will sit and listen to the one voice I need to hear above all others.
"I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands." Psalm 31:25-15
Oh and one last thing...when you say your prayers tonight would you say one for my dear friend Karson and her Husband Jason.  She is in the Young Cancer Survivor Group that I go to and has been battling metastatic breast cancer for over 2 years and after too many surgeries she is having to do chemo again....UGH!  I tear up just talking about her...she and her husband are two of the sweetest and most humble people I have ever had the priveledge of knowing. :)  Check out her CaringBridge blog! :)




We Love Smores! :)



Me and Karson


Also I have a few other friends who are battling reoccurrence Mandy and Leslie. Here we all are at the cancer camp we went to in Colorado.

Oh and my sweet friend Morgan who I met through my blog she is only 19 and battling breast cancer. 

Race For The Cure :)

So we recently had the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure  and Buddy's Race For The Cure and WOW looking back on the pictures what a difference a year makes. I am beyond grateful for another year to celebrate survival with those I love.  I am also so blessed to have people come out and show their support at the race.  You know when you really think about it no one is obligated to be there for you when you're sick.  No one HAS to call you, or send letters, texts, emails, facebook messages, etc.  And the fact that people actually do this really blows me away and well brings tears to my eyes.....God has truly blessed me.  And now that that teary moment is over (lol) here's some fun pics from the race :)

Stretching Before the Walk lol

Me and Chemo Bear :)

Team Keep HOPE Alive :)

Me and Stefani (Survivor Buddies)

Survivors and Our Survivor Co-Chair (lol) Lucilla

Your MAN Reminder

So my friend had this posted on her facebook page and I just had to share.  Hope it puts a little laughter in your day like it did mine.  Oh and if you have an iphone there's even an app to go along with it....lol :)

1st Hair Cut

I also had another milestone in my cancer journey....I got my first Hair Cut.  My sweet friend Chris cut it for me and it was a special moment.  Its been almost 2 years since I've had my hair cut and I will say you don't appreciate things like a simple hair cut until you dont' have the hair to cut.  It's a small victory in the battle but you celebrate the small things and that is what I try to do. I am so thankful for sweet friends that will take the time out of their day to give a simple, yet amazing hair cut. The one thing I thank god the most for is having the ability to roll down the window on nice fall days, turn my music up, and let the wind hit my HAIR and not care that's its gonna mess it up.  God can teach you so much from the little things in life if we just take the time to listen :)

My Friend Chris and I

My Attempt At Trying to Show my Hair Cut