Saturday, July 27, 2013

Can I Pray for You

Hi Guys! So since I've started on this cancer journey I have had so many people praying for me along the way and during some of my hardest moments I could actually feel all the prayer surrounding me. And I know people are continuing to pray. Believe it or not sharing something like cancer and telling about things that are embarrassing that are happening because of cancer is also very hard. Sometimes I just wanted someone to just come hold me and tell me its ok....and I would get on here and see all the people who said they were praying for me and that they loved me and it gave me strength.
Psalm 105:4
"Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually see him."

So now I want to do something for all of you. If you have a prayer request big or small PLEASE send it to me. If you don't want to write it here, you can also send me a private message and even then if you don't feel comfortable telling me the details of it, just let me know you need prayer and I will begin praying for you.  Also if you don't feel comfortable posting something here feel free to email me your prayer request at

1 Thessalonians 5:1
"Never stop praying"

Big Brain MRI

So  I had my BIG brain MRI. You know you have had one to many MRIs when you fall asleep during it and the sounds of hammers blasting through your brain no longer makes you jump.
So I work my magic and get my results the same day as ...
the MRI......I hate waiting especially when its about my health. So later in the day I saw my radiologists. He strolls into the room with this look on his face and by now I know this look or at least I think I do. Its not one of "bad news" and it not one of "good news"..........we wait some time and he discusses with other doctors their findings and tells me.....THE SWELLING HAS DECREASED....LET'S DECREASE YOUR STEROIDS.....AND DO ANOTHER SCAN IN 8 WEEKS........WHOOOP WHOOP!!!
FYI....."If you've ever been sick like this you know the lower of any sort of meds like steroids is awesome and having to wait so long between scans is also great because it means that the disease is not looking as bad as it was before and the doctors feel "safe" letting you just be for longer amounts of time before they re-check you." Thank you for all the prayers and Love!
To God be The Glory!!

Psalm 27:1
"The Lord is my light and my salvation- so why should I be afraid? the Lord is my fortress protecting me from danger , so why should I tremble"
When I came out of the radiologist office I found this beautiful butterfly just laying next to my car and I thought this verse was so perfect for it....
2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Continuing the Journey

Life has been up and down since Febuary.  I started on a new drug called Perjeta.....while this drug is an awesome cancer also has side effects that were horrible.  It damaged my bowels with almost unbearable pain.  I spent 3 days in the hospital in March and at my worst moments I was unable to eat or drink because stomach pains were so bad that Morphine was needed. 
Me and One of Bestest Friends I've Ever
Known.  She stayed with me while
I was in the Hospital

However, it has taken a few months but with time and my savior my stomach is healing.
My PET scan has continued to look good but my brain has continued to be the hardest part of my journey.  My last scan continued to show swelling.  My doctors believe that the swelling is from different places that they have treated with Gamma Knife that are trying to heal and they are swelling and because they are inside the brain that limits the room there is for swelling, so our continued prayer is for healing in my body but especially the brain.  
These past few months have been terrifying and yet full of hope at the same time.  I wonder what God's plan is for me.....though I read in his book that he has one...I also realize his way are not my ways and his thoughts are not my thoughts. Anyone who has gone through a trial know there are moments that come and you cry out and wonder what his plan is.

Psalm  138:8
"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me, your love, O Lord, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands"
 I have a brain MRI coming up in a few weeks....praying  and asking for prayer that the swelling has decreased.  The brain is an amazing thing and the thought of anything going wrong with it is terrifying.  In fact I'll tell you it's one of the scariest things I've ever experienced.....the thought of something going so wrong with my brain that I'm left  unable to care for myself has been one of my biggest prayers since I was diagnosed.  I NEVER want to be anyone's burden or hold anyone back.  I have always wanted to serve and having people have to serve and take care of me is a humbling experience but I am thankful that I am surrounded by people that are so willing to help me.  Just a few pictures of a few my wonderful friends that have come with me to chemotherapy.  
My Friend Monica and I

Lucilla and I

My Friend Lelja and I

Gamma Knife #3

So I had to have Gamma Knife for the third time at the beginning of this new year.  As you would think I wasn't very excited about it.  But this time I made sure that I took all the medicine I could to make me "aware" but incohearent.
I don't think I've ever told this but as I said before I try to be as honest as possible.  When I go for gamma knife I have a hard time getting out of the car because I know what I am walking into.  Though it's helping to save my life it's also very painful.
I've often thought is this the kind of way Jesus must have felt when he was arrested, knowing what faite lay before him.  I'm sure he didn't want to go but he knew he had to.  I know its hard sometimes to relate biblical stories to our lives today but I can say I know my savior, my father, knows and understands my fears and sorrows when I walk into Gamma Knife.  My sweet friend Lucilla who had come with my family that day came out to the car to get me......I sobbed like a child and then we walked in together.
My mother was there holding my hand as I sang songs to my sweet Jesus.  Before you knew it, it was over.
Ephesians 3:20
"God is immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Long Awaited Update

I just realized that its been almost 4 months since I've updated my blog and I'm sorry about that.  Seems like life is moving along so quickly it's hard for me to keep up.  But since September I've had my up and down moments.  Chemo is hard, this I can't deny.  But God hasn't left or forsaken me.  I have dealt with nausea, fatigue and all the side effects of chemo.  I like to stay positive even at Chemo here's a few pictures I've taken.  I am going to try to get up to date on my blog.  I have a page on facebook that I've been using but I know some people just read my blog. So I'm going to put my most recent updates from facebook to update everyone and then keep my blog up to date for there :)

I have been on different regimens of Chemotherapy, which of course have had their ups and downs.  I'm blessed enough to have people in my life who come and sit with me during chemotherapy no matter how long it takes.  I am happy to announce that on my last PET scan was CLEAR!!  Praise the Lord!  I know its easy to praise the lord when things are good but I am continuing to praise him through all of the storms that I see on a daily basis.  I want every one to know that no matter what your battle, whether it be cancer or anything else,  God is with you.
Here's a few fun photos that I took during Chemo:



Tuesday, September 25, 2012

His Only Begotten Son..........

So I feel led to share the hard story of what I witnessed today.  I went to a regular check up with my oncologist and there was another young girl there about my age.  She was in a wheel chair and barely able to transfer without assistance from one chair to the other.  We sat in the waiting room together not really exchaning anymore than a smile and then we both went back to have our ports accessed and blood drawn.  She went first and it turns out her port wouldn't give blood.  The nurses were being as gentle as possible but unfortunately she began to cry because it was painful.  Her tears brought tears to my eyes but what really broke my heart was when I looked over and saw her father. His eyes were filled up with tears, he did his best to hold it back but I could see and almost feel the heartbreak as he had to sit and watch his child suffer.
I felt I closed my eyes and began tocry and pray. Speaking healing into this young womans body.....asking for God to take her pain and for her port to open.  The port never gave blood but they were eventually able to access her vein and get some blood.  Though I dont' have a child and could not fully understand what it's like to watch them go through something like I got just a little whiff of what it must be hard it must be.  I often wonder how hard it is for parents to watch their children hard it must be for my own mother to watch me suffer at times and feel helpless.
My mind goes back to Jesus and how God sent him here to die for us.  He didn't have to but he did.....he sacrificed his only child so that we may all have life.  He watched as his son....his child suffered and died an unspeakable death on the cross.  I'd never imagined that God understands us but I realize after today that he understand us more than we realize.  He's been there....he's watched his child suffer and so with that he understands parents suffering and I know he was there in that room today.....with that man as he cried watching his child suffer.  Sometimes we forget that God's not just God......not just our Creator.....he is our Father and he understands our pains and struggles more than we realize.  I forget this sometimes.....especially during the hard times when all we want to do is have God come....sit with us....hold us.....tell him our fears and frustration and have him take our pain literally.  Even though that may not happen....know that he hears us......catches our tears....and even in the hardest moments he's carrying us because he's been there and he understands. 

Thursday, September 6, 2012

A New Path

So now that I have all my ducks in a row I can give a better update.  I have returned from the Burzynski clinic.  He added a few new pills and IV chemotherapy to my regimen and I believe in all he is doing.
Dr. Burzynski and I

 I know some may disagree and that is ok.  But believe me I have prayed about this and asked for the Lord's guidance and I know that this is road God wants me on and is now leading me down.
It's crazy being the fact I hate it.  I always wanted to help people and some how I became the one that needs help.  Most of the time it is extremely challenging for me to accept help from others....but like a wise woman once told me don't cheat someone out of their blessing and it blesses people to bless you. 

So for now I am receiving new chemo from a new doctor and taking new pills.  My oncologist here is working with the treatment plan that the Burzynski Clinic wants me on.  I will do about 3 rounds of this chemo before I go back to the clinic for a follow up.  A nurse from the  Burzynski clinic also calls me every week to check up on me.  The way I see it is if you dont' think I'm gonna make it then your not on my team and I need people who believe in me to be on my team. 
Right now what our big concern is my head lesions.  I want to stop them completely and I'm praying that my next MRI will be clear.  I hate doing head radiation.....I hate how life-less it makes me feel.....and I'm praying I don't have to do it again.  So that is my big prayer right now is that I have a clear MRI in October. 

I can't tell you that I've gotten a clear message about how God is gonna use me in all this......I can only hope that my struggle will be for his glory and for his name sake.  I hope that when people look at me they dont' see me but they see Jesus because without him I would have been dead along time ago. 
I've always said I'm a christian but in times of trial is when my faith has been tested and I have cried out "Why me?"......I did not ask for this burden but I know that my father's will is greater than my own and I trust him with everything I am.
Luke 22:42
"Father if you are willing take this cup from me; yet not my will, but your be done"