Thursday, March 31, 2011

If I Had My Life To Live Over by Erma Bombeck

I was just sent this by a friend and loved it so much I had to share.......

IN honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.


(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle..

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later... Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's, more 'I'm sorry's.'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute; look at it and really see it; live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us...

Sunday, March 27, 2011

26 years of Gratitude

So recently I celebrated my 26th birthday.  I can honestly say this year is dramatically different than any other year.  Last year I was in the middle of chemo....hardly able to eat a meal.  This year I was able to enjoy not one but two birthday cakes.  WOW.....what a difference a year can make.  There have been times I forgot what it was like to be able to just eat whatever I wanted on special occasions....b/c of the major stomach problems that chemo caused me and I found it funny that this year one of the things I was most grateful for was the ability to eat my favorite thing....ICING! It sounds so simple but when u loose control of things in your life you never really took the time to think about before....and then you finally get them back you are so appreciative for them. 
My whole class  at school threw me a surprise birthday party...needless to say when I walked into the room decorated with Cinderella, a table full of food and a projector screen playing "A dream is a wish your heart makes" the tears flowed freely. Just FYI in case you didn't know or realize I absolutely LOVE Cinderella...hopin one day to make my 1st trip to disney world to meet her. lol I know its crazy I'm 26 and love cinderella but I say it makes me smile and everyone has a kid inside them :)
 Who am I to deserve this........I was and am overwhelmingly grateful for a classroom full of amazingly sweet people who would open their hearts and think of me on my birthday......its definitely more than I deserve and I could not thank them enough.  I also got a night with some of my best just celebrate my b-day :)  But the biggest thing that I was appreciative of on my birthday this year life.  It  almost sounds generic but after being told I have cancer twice in less than 1 year....I feel blessed to be alive.  The results of my second round of tests could have easily been worse........but God was there and is still here. Did I have to loose a part of me to save myself...yes....but I remember God says he is with us to the ends of the earth.  I mean even when Jonah was swallowed by a whale he could not escape from God......I know  he walked with me, held my hand, and caught all my tears.....and this year on my birthday I give him the glory for giving me another year to live, laugh, and love.  I hope this year I can do as much as I can for show his give back a some of the  extraordinary love I have been show. :)

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Pill Pill Pills...Can U Take My Pills

So after my 2nd diagnosis and doctors opted not to do chemo and to keep me on the Herceptin and have me begin to take a drug called Tykerb.    The tykerb ended up having a $800 co-pay on it with my insurance (it was $3600 a bottle).........I was in shock when they told me that price! Fortunately I got on a patient assistance program that paid all of it for me...thank the lord.  I started taking Tykerb right after my mastectomy....5 pills a day.  Combine that with the other pills I take for hot flashes and my estrogen blocking pill and a pill for sleep...i was taking a total of 10 pills a day.  Although I would much rather take pills than chemo it was a little over whelming for me.  Well I finished the pills up a few weeks ago and for now my oncologist just wanted to "watch me" and wants me to continue taking my tamoxifen and hot flash medication.  It's kind  funny cause I'll tell people when I start turning red that I'm having a hot flash and many women will look at me like I"m crazy and I'll be like "no seriously I am" but it's obvious they don't be lieve me lol until I explain everything to them.   I have told my doctor that I'm still pretty worried b/c when I was on meds to prevent cancer I was re-diagnosed and now they just wanna take me off those meds and "watch me"....I mean SERIOUSLY! I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm a little afraid of what could lie in my future. I know it's just satan toiling with my head but still he gets to me sometimes lol. I trust that God's got it under control but I'm only human and I fear the unknown....but when u think about it...its things that like that truly test and strengthen ur faith b/c I know I don't put my trust in stupid chemo....I trust my doctors of course...but I put my full trust in my heavenly father b/c trusting in the things of this world will only let me down......but having an eternal perspective makes everything clearer to me.  So for now I'm happy to enjoy the sunshine and the snow :)

Saturday, March 12, 2011


So I have celebrated many things in the past few months and one huge thing was my last IV herceptin treatment.  It was a bittersweet thing and yet scary all at the same time.  Beginning in Febuary 3, 2010 I began taking Herceptin as a part of my chemotherapy treatment every wednesday. In May when my chemo was over I started doing Herceptin every 3 weeks.  This drug never really made me sick or made my hair fall was actually not bad at all...which is kind weird for me to say that about any medication that has to do with cancer but really Herceptin never affected me.  After I started school in september I would go after class and get my treatment and then head to work.  So on January 20 2011 when I received my last treatment I realized what a big step for me it was. I went through and counted it and I have had 27 treatments of herceptin........27 times I have sat in that chair....27 times I have watched as new women came and sat down next to me......27 times I have sat in a room that to many may seem dark and many times I saw it that way....but I'm here to tell you there's a light at the end of the tunnel. You see I look at cancer and my treatments as small milestones. You celebrate every victory, no matter how small you celebrate....because life is too short not to enjoy it and laugh and smile as often as possible.    That big treatment room held so many memories for me both good and bad.  I've grown up in there in a way.....I'm definitely not who I was the first day I walked in there over a year ago........terrified of my first chemo treatment and what the future would hold.  I could never have imagined what life would bring.  For my last treatment a bunch of the nurses dress up in silly costumes and gather round you and sing "Hit the Road Jack"....I'm workin on gettin the video but for now I have a few pics. As they began to sing the song my angel nurse Jenny in her Regae outfit accompanied w/dread locks began to cry and of course I did to.....they were happy and hopeful tears......tears of the times we had spent together and hard times she had helped me through. You also get a "survivor" hat and of course my sweet mommie brought me a cake. Can't imagine how I would have gotten through this without her.  As of right now my future is still uncertain.......but I know its all in the hand of my gracious and loving heavenly father who plans for me are bigger and better than any I can see.  For now I press on......and have faith in a God who I know is the one true physician. :)