Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Listening and Waiting

So in my mind I had already written this post......I laid out for myself how I was going to write without sounding too sad that I had cancer again on my other side.  However, the Lord works in mysterious ways and he had another plan.  To explain the whole situation let me take you back a few weeks ago.
I of course had to take my normal Kung Foo Fighting Pic before my Mammogram lol
I had just gone in for my routine 6 month mammogram and was thrown for a loope when I was told I was also scheduled for my routine MRI.  You see I HATE MRIs because I am highly chlosterphobic and so putting me in a hole for almost half an hour tends to freak me out.  I tend to deal with it better if I cry and freak out about it at home so by the time I get there I've pretty much worn myself out....pitiful yes....but did it work.....you bet it did! lol 
Well a few days after the MRI I got a call from the radiologist saying that a small area had shown up on the MRI on my remaining left breast.  So I immediately knew what that meant......a MRI biopsy....aka "worst fear"!  I know many out there who read this blog and know many others with cancer probably may not realize the pain and suffering that goes into the tests doctors perform on us to determine if we have cancer.  One of the worst I can think of is bone marrow biopsies and liver biopsies....they are extremely painful.  With an MRI biopsy they not only put you in a hole while your face down....they then proceed to jab a needle in your chest filled with lidocaine, which by the way burns like non-other, and then if you move they have to start all over again.  The whole process takes about 45 minutes and for me is torture.  I prayed, I cried, and I talked to my most amazing friends, nurses and family about it until I was blue in the face and I agreed to do it.  I gave myself enough benadryl to make me too tired to cry and then I took some valium so pretty much I was a walking Zombie but by the grace of God I can say I made it through it.  A few days later the radiologist called saying it was just scar tissue and that I was in the clear.
And then the strangest thing happened after I hung up the phone......I wasn't filled with happiness I was filled with so many emotions that all I could do was cry.  You think to yourself...gah...you must be crazy.  I felt like I had made the people I had told feel sorry for me when really there was nothing wrong.....like I had thrown a pitty party for myself and I was sick about it.  And you see.....I want to have reconstruction at some point and I have contemplated letting them take my other breast but if you've never done it let me tell you that giving permission for a doctor to cut off a part of your body is a heartbreaking thing to do and I felt like I needed a sign.....and for me I was going to take this new situation as God's way of telling me that I needed to have the breast removed and now I didn't have a clear sign anymore and I felt like I was lost...AGAIN!  Cancer is a funny and horrible thing.......you let them cut you and then you agree to let them cut you again to fix what they orginally cut in the first place.  It leaves you confused and wondering which way to go. 
I've finally reached the point where I can look at the myself in the mirror and see the slash that goes across my chest where a breast once stood....however...I don't look for long because my heart breaks all over again.  I've said it before and it still stands true...I can't wait for the day when I  see my savior and he makes me new.... and fixes what cancer has taken from me.  I'm in a weird place......I want to feel like a woman again....but I don't want to be cut on.  I want God to sit down with me in person.....I want him to clearly tell me what to do.......but you see that is probably my problem......in all the words I have just typed I have just typed the words "I want".  And the truth is I need to just sit and listen to what he wants.  I am kind of fearful about posting this because well one of my biggest fears is people just being there because they feel sorry for me.  I've had it happen and if you've ever been sick I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  So let me say this while what I went through wasn't the easiest thing ever there are people that have it worse......people's whose suffering is waaayyy beyond mine or anything I can imagine.  But I've learned that its ok to admit that what you are going through is tough even if there are those that have it worse.  I think this quote says it best "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain".  While for some I know the storm may not be from cancer but  I know that life can sometimes seem like all its doing is raining down on you.  In those moments I always think of a song from casting crowns that is based off of Psalm 121 and its says "I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from, my help comes from the Lord the maker of Heaven and Earth"
Like I said in the beginning the Lord works in mysterious way and his thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways not my ways and so for now I will sit and listen to the one voice I need to hear above all others.
"I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands." Psalm 31:25-15
Oh and one last thing...when you say your prayers tonight would you say one for my dear friend Karson and her Husband Jason.  She is in the Young Cancer Survivor Group that I go to and has been battling metastatic breast cancer for over 2 years and after too many surgeries she is having to do chemo again....UGH!  I tear up just talking about her...she and her husband are two of the sweetest and most humble people I have ever had the priveledge of knowing. :)  Check out her CaringBridge blog! :)

We Love Smores! :)

Me and Karson

Also I have a few other friends who are battling reoccurrence Mandy and Leslie. Here we all are at the cancer camp we went to in Colorado.

Oh and my sweet friend Morgan who I met through my blog she is only 19 and battling breast cancer.