These are 2 of the wonderful gifts I received for my AMAZING friends!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
These are 2 of the wonderful gifts I received for my AMAZING friends!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
But I had my one week check up last tues (12/22). The doctor said "You are healing like a champ"....and I replied "Well I am in pain like a Champ". He said that my pain was due to my drain that was still in. They could not take it out because it has to drain less than 20 mls in 24 hours and it was not yet doing that. Dr. Webber said he could take it out but if he does it too soon the fluid from the bag would go into my arm and he would have to stick a needle in there and aspirate the contents. So I said "You just keep that bad boy in there as long at you want...and I will adjust" lol.
So here i sit almost two weeks after surgery and this stupid drain is still draining like 30 or so mls a day. I wont' lie this morning I was pretty depressed. I mean I'm pretty annoyed with this this. When I shower I have to wrap it around my neck and then re-bandage myself when I get out. Then i have to wear a shirt to bed that has a pocket to I can stick the stupid drain in it. Then I have to put a pillow under my arm and I can only lay on one side. I really almost didn't go to church this morning out of the pure frustration of how long it took me to get dressed and the fact that I had to wear my awesome fanny pack to church! But as i sat on my bed and swallowed my frustrations I realized it was only Satan trying persuade me not to go to church. Although my situation is frustrating God is faithful...there is a reason I am going through this. God would not give me more than I can handle. And obviously he thinks I can handle this..I just need to trust in him and know I can make it through...but lets not lie to ourselves that is sooo much easier said than done.
I am positive about this but I have my moments. I have cried looking at my self in the mirror...my scars and the stupid tube that protrudes from my side. I think of all the patients I took care of that had tubes and drains coming out them and I can honestly say I never had any idea how they felt until now. And honestly..its hard...its upsetting and its frustrating to look in the mirror and see that this is your body that looks like this and there is nothing you can do. Sometimes my heart is so heavy with so many questions and so much to say to god that all I can do is kneel in silence because I know he can see my heart and my fears. But this morning I did my best to lay it all down at church...to cry out to a God who is so great and mighty that he listens to my little prayer when there are soo many others who have prayers soo much greater than mine. But I know he hears my mine...he listens....and he holds me close even when I feel all alone.
I have another appointment this coming Tuesday 12/29 to recheck the drain and a meeting on January the 5th with a oncologist to discuss my next step in chemotherapy treatment. I can only hope and pray that it is ready to come out but if not I know I will deal with it because I know I am strong enough to. I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and remember that Jesus is the Reason for the Season. :)
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The next thing I remember I was awoken by a nurse and can barely remember seeing shadows of my mom, channing, brother, aunt and uncle. I cried a little as some does when under anesthesia and I was wheeled to the car and taken home.
The past few days have been ok. Getting used to sleeping only on ur back is something that I can say I will probably never like. And getting used to getting up with tubes coming out of u and remembering to grab ur fanny back that hold it all is always annoying (seriously I mean the 80s called yesterday and asked for their fanny pack back...I mean seriously who has fanny packs these days lol). However, it is only for a few days so I can deal. Yesterday I finally got to take a shower which was what I will call a maneuvering task because I had to wrap all the tubes around me so they would not hang and pull on me. But I took full advantage of the water and stayed in till it turned cold lol.
Today I am hoping to take out my pain pumps as they look empty..but I won't lie I'm kind of nervous about idea of pulling some tube..as small as it may be out of me. I will also say that the support and Love I have felt the past few days has been one that always bring me to tears. I have gotten cards, texts, food, facebook messages...u name it and it has meant so much to me. God has been so faithful to be with me through it all and he has truly blessed me beyond anything that I deserve.
"I will exalt you, my God and King, and praise your name forever and ever. I will praise you everyday; yes, I will praise you every day; yes I will praise you forever. Greast is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise! No one can measure his greatness. Psalm 145 1-3
Sunday, December 13, 2009
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
As I watched him walk away...I felt like someone had punched me in the face. Here I was upset over a little breast cancer diagnosis. One in which had great cure rates and many options for treatment. And her stood this young man who had pretty much grown up with leukemia...and yet he was as sweet and loving probably more than more kids were. I thought my situation could be worse and even though I was faced with a bigger obstacle that most people face....it was just that an... obstacle and one that I can overcome.
I thought at that moment of my father. Who had only two options...fight or die. He went through 6 bone marrow tests. Which is where they stick a needle into your hip and pull out marrow while you are still awake. He had two ports put in him and multiple types of chemo and spinal taps. Lord help me to stay humble in all of this and realize that it could be worse.....that God is leading me through this and he would not give me more than I can bear. Even though at point I may feel sorry for myself I think of those like my father and like Dalton who do not have many great options and who have to take what they are given...not matter the pain and suffering it may cause. I wish everyone had just one chance to see things as I saw them today..to realize the important things that matter in life and to realize that we only have one life and that God is that sustainer of that life. Everyday is a gift from him...and I promised myself that I would try and remember that even on the hardest days when I fell like its me against this disease.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
We also went over different types of chemo and radiation. He said I would do radiation about 6 weeks after surgery 5 days a week for six weeks. WOW...5 DAYS A WEEK I thought and we also went over chemo options and the possibility of hair loss after we talked about these two things....anything else the doctor said for the next few minutes were a blur. I was speechless to the reality of how my life would change in the next few months.
Dr. Webber drew everything out for us on a board and took a pictre of it so we could better understand. But even then taking it all it I know will take some time. After our big conversations I drove home and slowly but surely I broke until I walked into my house and just let go. And that was ok...I have told myself that I am allowed to feel sorry for myself from time to time and be angry. And today I was I was angry at everything and I pittied myself for a while. But soon I was reminded all I did have to be thankful for and that God has and has continued to bless me with a great life. This was not a stop sign...and I would not not continue just because I have cancer. I choose to fight through this and know that I am guided by a force greater than me or modern medicine. That force is my God is so much bigger than Cancer and he will carry me through this.
Friday, November 20, 2009
So we get there and I check in while Channing goes to get a drink. Well much to my surprise here he comes a few minutes later w/a bag of chips, a drink, and some cheese cake. I'm like "You know I"m hungry and can't have ANYTHING to eat" and with that little kid grin he says "OH I FORGOT" lol. He's crazy but he makes me laugh and I love him.
So I go back there and they stick me AGAIN...in the same place...my stinkin ANTECUBITAL...
So I have my CT scan and they inject me with this stuff and the guy is like ok "You are going to feel warm and like you peed your pants but I promise you didnt". I'm like "Oh Oh Okay...I think". So all the sudden I feel firey warm and sure enough there is it I could have sworn I just peed my pants lol. But I realize there are two male technicians lookin at me through the glass so I'm like I really hope I didn't actually pee myself cause I realize I can't actually check in the position I am in lol. And I swear at the same time I was peeing fluid was leaking from my ears lol. But needless to say I did not pee my pants and no fluid was leaking from my ears so CODE GREEN we are good to go. :) Oh yea and my bone scan looked great too so its sooo nice to hear good news for once :) Well there's today's adventure...
Thursday, November 19, 2009
So today I met the doctor that will do my surgery. His name is Dr.Webber and he is awesome. I felt so comfortable with him and trusting. He actually did the first masectomy in
So back on a serious note Dr. Webber told me that I would meet with the Oncologist, Surgeon, Radiologist and nurses on Monday (11/24) once all my tests came back and we could look at all the options. The one thing we know is I will need a partial masectomy to remove the lump and then chemo, radiation or both. Now I won't lie when he said chemo I asked the hard question "Will I loose my hair" and the answer of course was "Yes". Now I was ok until this moment. I mean as a women your hair is the topic of many conversatio
Then he says many women who get this type of cancer and go into remission live long lives and are still alive for many years down the road. And the thought hits me...."My own mortality."
You know I have always been scared of death...not b/c I did not know where I was going but because the thought of eternity scared me. That might sound weird but its true. But something happend when I thought about it now...facin
So I go change into what channing calls my "KUNG FOO" outfit and have 3 ultrasounds and 1 MRI done. I mean everytime I turned around someone was wanting to check me out....AGAI
Then came the news....one of my lymph nodes looked irregular and another biopsy was needed. AND...there was a spot that showed up on my left side that needed to be biopsied. I mean I was drained ready to go and here I was having to do another biopsy. Needless to say I sucked it up and they took what they needed.
So six hours laters I left the office and came out to find Channing sleeping in the care. This poor guy had waited all day in the waiting room w/ no TV, only a few men's magazines and only 1 TV show on his IPOD that I'm sure he had watched a few time over lol. And apparently now he is the breast cancer goooru b/c he read the whole book that the doctor gave us. I do feel blessed to have a man that would just sit and wait all day literally on me....only to have me come out and fall into his arms drained from the day. Today was a day that maybe gave me a glimpse into what lies ahead. Hard days but days ending with the arms of those who love me even in my darkest times.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
But there I sat being told I was going to have to ask the BIG QUESTIONS and start looking into the future. To say I was shocked would be an HUGE understatem
I do not know what God's plan is for my life or why it's me that's having to go through this. But I suppose many people say that when they get news like this. But the truth is no one deserves or wants to get cancer but people do and that is the straight of it. All I do know is that GOD IS IN CONTROL. He holds my hand and walks with me through all of this and will lead me through it all. So I hope you all enjoy my story......
My favorite line from my favorite poem "Foot Prints" pre
"My son, my precious child,I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,