Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Awake To the Moments

Seems lately I feel like I've spent a lot of time wishing parts of my life back.  I miss my child hood days when I can't remember what I was even worried about....when my biggest fear was who was I gonna sit next to at lunch time or if the cute boy at school like me.  Today seems so far from the simple days of my childhood.......I feel like the second I'm forgettin about one problem I'm thinking about another....wondering what life holds for me. I've had some lonely moments her recently and one of my bestest friends recently told me....your trying to do it all by yourself....you've got to give it to God.  I know we all feel alone and this is definitely not a pity party for Sarah post because I know we all feel alone sometimes...no matter what your going through.  I came upon this video today and read this verse in my devotions last night.....hope u enjoy :)
Matthew 6:34
"So don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today"

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Mammograms, Ultrasounds, and Kung Foo Fighting...say WWHHHATTT!!

So last week I went for my 1st  mammogram and ultrasound since surgery.  I had to take a picture of the biopsy table.....while its easy to see this as a sad place I choose to see it as a place where I was lucky enough, while on this table, to be surounded by amazing radiologists and during every biopsy a nurse named Lisa stood holding my hand...she is the amazing, wonderful, kind, and the most humble nurse anyone could ask for. Now keep in mind that the moment I see a needle tears come to my eyes..I've been known to make more than one nurse cry...I'm pretty pitiful...I'll admit lol.....but Lisa has cried with me during every moment......and I choose to be happy that even though I hate needles and biopsies I was surrounded by love during all of my ordeals :)
So back to the real story....the mammogram and ultra-sound were of course clear like they always are......and I was of course was  relieved.   However, I won't lie.....I don't really "trust" the mammograms or ultrasounds....the only time they have picked up something on the mammogram or ultrasound is after I found it! I will say I am so unbelievable thankful for all the people at KCBC....when I say anyone and everyone I meet there is always smiling....always so warm and caring to me and though I know I don't always say it...it means so much to be some-where that people genuinely care about patients...I try and remember their kindness when I am frustrated at work...I try and be to other what they have been to me...a blessing...a smile to brighten their day. So while anxiety ran high while waiting to go back and I did have some relief that everything was clear. I even had time to realize that my sumo robe made me look like a Kung Foo Fighter...don't you agree ha ha

Everybody was Kung Foo Fighting :)

 I realize that I struggle with being afraid that I will live the rest of my life in fear of what the future holds. But then I think....doesn't everyone live like that in some way. Fear is a part of life.......but its trusting that this life is not the end that there's something greater after it...that there's a God whose bigger than anything I or you may ever go through. :) WOW...its easy to write....but harder to fathom. A friend that I have gained through my blog wrote me an email the other day....it moved me so much I have to share because its an honest depiction of some of the thoughts those who have had breast cancer have:

"As much as I KNOW God is in control of my life, I wish just once He would put skin on and sit next to me and TELL me OUT LOUD that He’s there. We put these masks on for others, but inside, it’s hard to find the why, the purpose, and the “rest of your life” in it all. Boy, I didn’t mean for this to sound down and dreary. But I want you to know that, in a world of people who say “everything will be fine” that there are those of us who understand the human side, those of who have been there, lost a boob, and look at that scare and wonder. . . ."
We all wonder...and I wonder if it will always be like this.  Everyday I have to wake up and think I'm alive...God didn't want me yet....he has a purpose for my life.......I just have to choose to trust him and take it one day...one step at a time :)  I hope everyone who reads this can listen to the video I posted below.......when I first heard thing song I was brought to tears..the chorus to the song says it all :) No matter what your going through I hope today you feel God's love and his arms surrounding you...no matter what the situation :)

"Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"