Friday, November 27, 2009

New Changes

So a few days ago the radiologist called me to say that the biopsy that they did of my left side ended up being benign. Now today I talked to my surgeon's nurse and she tells me that even though it was benign they still want to take it out because of how hard it was to get to they are afraid if they needle moved at all and they got a bad sample and it was malignant that the cancer could grow and I would be back in their office again in six months. So I agreed with what she said. Now this changes the date of surgery from the 11th to the 14th. So of course I'm not happy but I am ok with the fact that they office is trying not only to protect me but themselves. Better to be safe than sorry I suppose but that just means I have to cut on both sides...something I less than thrilled about but I can deal with. :)

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Consultation

So today we sad down with the surgeon to go over the details of the type of cancer I have. My cancer is what is called estrogen positive which means that it feeds off estrogen, which means that I will never be allowed to take birth control. The cancer has also moved to one of my lymph nodes which now makes it a Stage II Grade II cancer. The doctor went over posibilites of a masectomy and a partial masectomy with me. And honestly being only 24 years old I am just not ready for that. He told me that the cure rate with a partial and full masectomy were the same. Just talking about the possibility of a masectomy to me is overwhelming. I mean my grandmother had one and I have seen picture of women that had them...but for this to meantioned to me as even an option was something that shook me in ways I can not explain.
We also went over different types of chemo and radiation. He said I would do radiation about 6 weeks after surgery 5 days a week for six weeks. WOW...5 DAYS A WEEK I thought and we also went over chemo options and the possibility of hair loss after we talked about these two things....anything else the doctor said for the next few minutes were a blur. I was speechless to the reality of how my life would change in the next few months.
Dr. Webber drew everything out for us on a board and took a pictre of it so we could better understand. But even then taking it all it I know will take some time. After our big conversations I drove home and slowly but surely I broke until I walked into my house and just let go. And that was ok...I have told myself that I am allowed to feel sorry for myself from time to time and be angry. And today I was I was angry at everything and I pittied myself for a while. But soon I was reminded all I did have to be thankful for and that God has and has continued to bless me with a great life. This was not a stop sign...and I would not not continue just because I have cancer. I choose to fight through this and know that I am guided by a force greater than me or modern medicine. That force is my God is so much bigger than Cancer and he will carry me through this.

Friday, November 20, 2009


So Today I went to Park West for a bone and CT scan. I end up having to go 4 hours late because I accidently drank something this morning and was supposed to have no food or drink for 24 hrs. But once again Channing AKA "Superman" (lol) came in to save the day by calling the hospital and changing my appointment time to 12:30. He's sooo always there to save the day...he's amazing. So...I'm just telling you that technology is not what it used to be. Did you know hospitals have the beepers now like restaurants do?? How awesome is that!!! Maybe I am a little too entertained by little things but I'm just saying its pretty cool.
So we get there and I check in while Channing goes to get a drink. Well much to my surprise here he comes a few minutes later w/a bag of chips, a drink, and some cheese cake. I'm like "You know I"m hungry and can't have ANYTHING to eat" and with that little kid grin he says "OH I FORGOT" lol. He's crazy but he makes me laugh and I love him.
So I go back there and they stick me the same stinkin ANTECUBITAL...which in case no one has been stuck there before is probably the most uncomfortable place to have an IV. I mean I can hardly bend my arm. Then she asks me what flavor I want and I'm like "FOR WHAT??". Apparently I have to drink this ice cream milk shake thing...and FYI VANILLA IS NOT THE BEST FLAVOR. LOL
So I have my CT scan and they inject me with this stuff and the guy is like ok "You are going to feel warm and like you peed your pants but I promise you didnt". I'm like "Oh Oh Okay...I think". So all the sudden I feel firey warm and sure enough there is it I could have sworn I just peed my pants lol. But I realize there are two male technicians lookin at me through the glass so I'm like I really hope I didn't actually pee myself cause I realize I can't actually check in the position I am in lol. And I swear at the same time I was peeing fluid was leaking from my ears lol. But needless to say I did not pee my pants and no fluid was leaking from my ears so CODE GREEN we are good to go. :) Oh yea and my bone scan looked great too so its sooo nice to hear good news for once :) Well there's today's adventure...hopefully the next will be even better or funnier.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Meet The Surgeon

So today I met the doctor that will do my surgery. His name is Dr.Webber and he is awesome. I felt so comfortable with him and trusting. He actually did the first masectomy in Knoxville, what year he would not tell me lol. Scary would probably be the word for today because I did no really know what he was going to tell me and I knew whatever he said could change my life even more than it already had been. My mom and channing came with me. While my mom was nervous as I was Channing was ready to go. Writing down questions and asking me to come up with more questions to ask. I mean if it was up to him I would just go ahead and have a double masectomy and get rebuilt with a new chest that was rock solid...LITERALLY lol. But I know he just wants whatever will guarantee that once this is gone it never returns.
So back on a serious note Dr. Webber told me that I would meet with the Oncologist, Surgeon, Radiologist and nurses on Monday (11/24) once all my tests came back and we could look at all the options. The one thing we know is I will need a partial masectomy to remove the lump and then chemo, radiation or both. Now I won't lie when he said chemo I asked the hard question "Will I loose my hair" and the answer of course was "Yes". Now I was ok until this moment. I mean as a women your hair is the topic of many conversations and many hard decision on the type of color and cut you want. Now you just want me to be ok with just not having any???? ARE U SERIOUS???? Channing was like well "I will shave mine offf too" lol. This may be one of the hardest things for me, although the decision on chemo has not been made the is one of the topics that hit a nerve.
Then he says many women who get this type of cancer and go into remission live long lives and are still alive for many years down the road. And the thought hits me...."My own mortality." WOW...there's one you might not like to think about. I mean you think about it from time to time esp at funerals and since my father just died 6 months ago the thought has crossed my mind pretty often. But there I sat not just thinking about it but faced with it and I thought to myself "God, is this really my life?". And the answer hit me like a ten ton of bricks "Yes this is my life and I can choose to live it and fight through this or give up and die"...such harsh words but so true.
You know I have always been scared of death...not b/c I did not know where I was going but because the thought of eternity scared me. That might sound weird but its true. But something happend when I thought about it now...facing what I was facing... I felt peace a peace I have never felt in my whole life of reading the bible, going to church and praying to God. It was the most awesome thing and I hope everyone experiences that peace in their lives, hopefully not in this situation but just in some way.
So I go change into what channing calls my "KUNG FOO" outfit and have 3 ultrasounds and 1 MRI done. I mean everytime I turned around someone was wanting to check me out....AGAIN!Funny story about the MRI...not sure if anyone has had one but for a breast MRI you have to lay face down in a pillow and CAN NOT MOVE for 30 minutes! In case no one has seen me since like I was BORN...I have some pretty big cheeks. (Its ok you can laugh I know they are big lol) So the first time they push me back into this this I am pretty much choking on my cheeks and I yell into the microphone "Yea we're gonna have to try this again". So she pulls me out of this thing and I re-arrange my face and we are ready for take off. lol
Then came the of my lymph nodes looked irregular and another biopsy was needed. AND...there was a spot that showed up on my left side that needed to be biopsied. I mean I was drained ready to go and here I was having to do another biopsy. Needless to say I sucked it up and they took what they needed.
So six hours laters I left the office and came out to find Channing sleeping in the care. This poor guy had waited all day in the waiting room w/ no TV, only a few men's magazines and only 1 TV show on his IPOD that I'm sure he had watched a few time over lol. And apparently now he is the breast cancer goooru b/c he read the whole book that the doctor gave us. I do feel blessed to have a man that would just sit and wait all day literally on me....only to have me come out and fall into his arms drained from the day. Today was a day that maybe gave me a glimpse into what lies ahead. Hard days but days ending with the arms of those who love me even in my darkest times.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The News

Today was a day that I'm sure I will always remember. I was given some news by my doctors that would change my life and everything I thought I knew in a matter of minutes. I was told that I had breast cancer and my first thought literally was "Your kidding right?". But after a few moments when I realized my doctor was serious...I couldn't believe it. He was talking to me a 24 year old girl whose biggest problem that day was making it to work on time and now I was being told I had cancer.
But there I sat being told I was going to have to ask the BIG QUESTIONS and start looking into the future. To say I was shocked would be an HUGE understatement. I brought no one with me to the doctor because I never thought in my wildest dreams thought I would get news like this. But there I was face to face with I never thought I would have to think about for at least another 10 years. But here I am facing it or at least trying to, asking for everyone's prayers.
I do not know what God's plan is for my life or why it's me that's having to go through this. But I suppose many people say that when they get news like this. But the truth is no one deserves or wants to get cancer but people do and that is the straight of it. All I do know is that GOD IS IN CONTROL. He holds my hand and walks with me through all of this and will lead me through it all. So I hope you all enjoy my story......I hope it brings awareness and maybe some hope and inspiration. I mean I am the biggest baby of them all (lol) and if I can do it anyone can.
My favorite line from my favorite poem "Foot Prints" pretty much says it all...........................
"My son, my precious child,I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,it was then that I carried you."