Thursday, November 19, 2009

Meet The Surgeon

So today I met the doctor that will do my surgery. His name is Dr.Webber and he is awesome. I felt so comfortable with him and trusting. He actually did the first masectomy in Knoxville, what year he would not tell me lol. Scary would probably be the word for today because I did no really know what he was going to tell me and I knew whatever he said could change my life even more than it already had been. My mom and channing came with me. While my mom was nervous as I was Channing was ready to go. Writing down questions and asking me to come up with more questions to ask. I mean if it was up to him I would just go ahead and have a double masectomy and get rebuilt with a new chest that was rock solid...LITERALLY lol. But I know he just wants whatever will guarantee that once this is gone it never returns.
So back on a serious note Dr. Webber told me that I would meet with the Oncologist, Surgeon, Radiologist and nurses on Monday (11/24) once all my tests came back and we could look at all the options. The one thing we know is I will need a partial masectomy to remove the lump and then chemo, radiation or both. Now I won't lie when he said chemo I asked the hard question "Will I loose my hair" and the answer of course was "Yes". Now I was ok until this moment. I mean as a women your hair is the topic of many conversations and many hard decision on the type of color and cut you want. Now you just want me to be ok with just not having any???? ARE U SERIOUS???? Channing was like well "I will shave mine offf too" lol. This may be one of the hardest things for me, although the decision on chemo has not been made the is one of the topics that hit a nerve.
Then he says many women who get this type of cancer and go into remission live long lives and are still alive for many years down the road. And the thought hits me...."My own mortality." WOW...there's one you might not like to think about. I mean you think about it from time to time esp at funerals and since my father just died 6 months ago the thought has crossed my mind pretty often. But there I sat not just thinking about it but faced with it and I thought to myself "God, is this really my life?". And the answer hit me like a ten ton of bricks "Yes this is my life and I can choose to live it and fight through this or give up and die"...such harsh words but so true.
You know I have always been scared of death...not b/c I did not know where I was going but because the thought of eternity scared me. That might sound weird but its true. But something happend when I thought about it now...facing what I was facing... I felt peace a peace I have never felt in my whole life of reading the bible, going to church and praying to God. It was the most awesome thing and I hope everyone experiences that peace in their lives, hopefully not in this situation but just in some way.
So I go change into what channing calls my "KUNG FOO" outfit and have 3 ultrasounds and 1 MRI done. I mean everytime I turned around someone was wanting to check me out....AGAIN!Funny story about the MRI...not sure if anyone has had one but for a breast MRI you have to lay face down in a pillow and CAN NOT MOVE for 30 minutes! In case no one has seen me since like I was BORN...I have some pretty big cheeks. (Its ok you can laugh I know they are big lol) So the first time they push me back into this this I am pretty much choking on my cheeks and I yell into the microphone "Yea we're gonna have to try this again". So she pulls me out of this thing and I re-arrange my face and we are ready for take off. lol
Then came the of my lymph nodes looked irregular and another biopsy was needed. AND...there was a spot that showed up on my left side that needed to be biopsied. I mean I was drained ready to go and here I was having to do another biopsy. Needless to say I sucked it up and they took what they needed.
So six hours laters I left the office and came out to find Channing sleeping in the care. This poor guy had waited all day in the waiting room w/ no TV, only a few men's magazines and only 1 TV show on his IPOD that I'm sure he had watched a few time over lol. And apparently now he is the breast cancer goooru b/c he read the whole book that the doctor gave us. I do feel blessed to have a man that would just sit and wait all day literally on me....only to have me come out and fall into his arms drained from the day. Today was a day that maybe gave me a glimpse into what lies ahead. Hard days but days ending with the arms of those who love me even in my darkest times.

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