But I had my one week check up last tues (12/22). The doctor said "You are healing like a champ"....and I replied "Well I am in pain like a Champ". He said that my pain was due to my drain that was still in. They could not take it out because it has to drain less than 20 mls in 24 hours and it was not yet doing that. Dr. Webber said he could take it out but if he does it too soon the fluid from the bag would go into my arm and he would have to stick a needle in there and aspirate the contents. So I said "You just keep that bad boy in there as long at you want...and I will adjust" lol.
So here i sit almost two weeks after surgery and this stupid drain is still draining like 30 or so mls a day. I wont' lie this morning I was pretty depressed. I mean I'm pretty annoyed with this this. When I shower I have to wrap it around my neck and then re-bandage myself when I get out. Then i have to wear a shirt to bed that has a pocket to I can stick the stupid drain in it. Then I have to put a pillow under my arm and I can only lay on one side. I really almost didn't go to church this morning out of the pure frustration of how long it took me to get dressed and the fact that I had to wear my awesome fanny pack to church! But as i sat on my bed and swallowed my frustrations I realized it was only Satan trying persuade me not to go to church. Although my situation is frustrating God is faithful...there is a reason I am going through this. God would not give me more than I can handle. And obviously he thinks I can handle this..I just need to trust in him and know I can make it through...but lets not lie to ourselves that is sooo much easier said than done.
I am positive about this but I have my moments. I have cried looking at my self in the mirror...my scars and the stupid tube that protrudes from my side. I think of all the patients I took care of that had tubes and drains coming out them and I can honestly say I never had any idea how they felt until now. And honestly..its hard...its upsetting and its frustrating to look in the mirror and see that this is your body that looks like this and there is nothing you can do. Sometimes my heart is so heavy with so many questions and so much to say to god that all I can do is kneel in silence because I know he can see my heart and my fears. But this morning I did my best to lay it all down at church...to cry out to a God who is so great and mighty that he listens to my little prayer when there are soo many others who have prayers soo much greater than mine. But I know he hears my mine...he listens....and he holds me close even when I feel all alone.
I have another appointment this coming Tuesday 12/29 to recheck the drain and a meeting on January the 5th with a oncologist to discuss my next step in chemotherapy treatment. I can only hope and pray that it is ready to come out but if not I know I will deal with it because I know I am strong enough to. I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and remember that Jesus is the Reason for the Season. :)