His Only Begotten Son..........

So I feel led to share the hard story of what I witnessed today.  I went to a regular check up with my oncologist and there was another young girl there about my age.  She was in a wheel chair and barely able to transfer without assistance from one chair to the other.  We sat in the waiting room together not really exchaning anymore than a smile and then we both went back to have our ports accessed and blood drawn.  She went first and it turns out her port wouldn't give blood.  The nurses were being as gentle as possible but unfortunately she began to cry because it was painful.  Her tears brought tears to my eyes but what really broke my heart was when I looked over and saw her father. His eyes were filled up with tears, he did his best to hold it back but I could see and almost feel the heartbreak as he had to sit and watch his child suffer.
I felt helpless......so I closed my eyes and began tocry and pray. Speaking healing into this young womans body.....asking for God to take her pain and for her port to open.  The port never gave blood but they were eventually able to access her vein and get some blood.  Though I dont' have a child and could not fully understand what it's like to watch them go through something like this.......today I got just a little whiff of what it must be like....how hard it must be.  I often wonder how hard it is for parents to watch their children suffer.......how hard it must be for my own mother to watch me suffer at times and feel helpless.
My mind goes back to Jesus and how God sent him here to die for us.  He didn't have to but he did.....he sacrificed his only child so that we may all have life.  He watched as his son....his child suffered and died an unspeakable death on the cross.  I'd never imagined that God understands us but I realize after today that he understand us more than we realize.  He's been there....he's watched his child suffer and so with that he understands parents suffering and I know he was there in that room today.....with that man as he cried watching his child suffer.  Sometimes we forget that God's not just God......not just our Creator.....he is our Father and he understands our pains and struggles more than we realize.  I forget this sometimes.....especially during the hard times when all we want to do is have God come....sit with us....hold us.....tell him our fears and frustration and have him take our pain literally.  Even though that may not happen....know that he hears us......catches our tears....and even in the hardest moments he's carrying us because he's been there and he understands. 

A New Path

 

So now that I have all my ducks in a row I can give a better update.  I have returned from the Burzynski clinic.  He added a few new pills and IV chemotherapy to my regimen and I believe in all he is doing.

Dr. Burzynski and I

 I know some may disagree and that is ok.  But believe me I have prayed about this and asked for the Lord's guidance and I know that this is road God wants me on and is now leading me down.
It's crazy being the patient....in fact I hate it.  I always wanted to help people and some how I became the one that needs help.  Most of the time it is extremely challenging for me to accept help from others....but like a wise woman once told me don't cheat someone out of their blessing and it blesses people to bless you. 

So for now I am receiving new chemo from a new doctor and taking new pills.  My oncologist here is working with the treatment plan that the Burzynski Clinic wants me on.  I will do about 3 rounds of this chemo before I go back to the clinic for a follow up.  A nurse from the  Burzynski clinic also calls me every week to check up on me.  The way I see it is if you dont' think I'm gonna make it then your not on my team and I need people who believe in me to be on my team. 
Right now what our big concern is my head lesions.  I want to stop them completely and I'm praying that my next MRI will be clear.  I hate doing head radiation.....I hate how life-less it makes me feel.....and I'm praying I don't have to do it again.  So that is my big prayer right now is that I have a clear MRI in October. 

I can't tell you that I've gotten a clear message about how God is gonna use me in all this......I can only hope that my struggle will be for his glory and for his name sake.  I hope that when people look at me they dont' see me but they see Jesus because without him I would have been dead along time ago. 
I've always said I'm a christian but in times of trial is when my faith has been tested and I have cried out "Why me?"......I did not ask for this burden but I know that my father's will is greater than my own and I trust him with everything I am.
Luke 22:42
"Father if you are willing take this cup from me; yet not my will, but your be done"

Gamma Knife Results

So on my last post I told about my gamma knife procedure.  It went well...well as well as having someone screw a something into your skull can be lol.  After the procedure the doctor came out and gave us the news of what they had found.  In addition to the 3 original lesions they  were treating...10 new lesions were found.  These had appeared in just a few weeks time which isn't really great news.  I'd be lying if I wasn't depressed by these findings but still thankful that there is treatment for it.  These finding also just serve as further evidence that this disease is aggressive and I need to do all in my power to fight it.
Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"