Thursday, May 6, 2010

Chemo #5

So this last week after my chemo has been a rough one. I have always had a problem with stomach cramps ever since I began chemo. The pain can become so bad at time the only thing I can do it rock myself back and forth and pray for it to be over. Last week was almost like the pain reached its peak. At about 12 am in pain I decided to call the MD who told me to take some lortab and pretty much knock myself out. I found myself running through the options of what was "really wrong" in my head. Perhaps I had stomach cancer and they hadn't found it yet. When my back began to spams I thought I had cancer in my back. Oh how satan can attack you at your most down and out times. At the time I didn't see it but looking back now I can clearly see how its a perfect time for satan to attack me and get me into the "sickness" mindset. Well I have something to say...."MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN ANY PAIN I MAY HAVE." Now dont' let me get you thinkin that while hurled over in pain I smilin thinkin how great God is. I can admit that that has never happened and that I am just as human as any one else. I know we all have hard times but I want everyone to know that its only temporary. I wonder at times, like I'm sure so many people do, why am I going through this? How much more can I take? Will this ever end? For me I know that my pain is only temporary, though I know for me and others that I so hard to see. I want people to know that in your most desperate hour you can cry out to Jesus. He knows we're broken he knows we need him and he's there. You think alot about your own mortatlity when told you have cancer and espcially when you are going through all the stuff they put you through to kill the cancer and make you it doesn't come back. It's scary I won't lie. I know I can't see him and I know in hard times its hard to know he's there but I'm tellin you he is there. My favorite line in the poem Footprints
 "My child when you saw only one set of foot prints it was then that I carried you". My Step Mom sent me this picture and I wanted to share it...funny how one little picture and speak so many words
Rainbow Tree soooo BEAUTIFUL :)

No comments: