Ready or Not Here Comes Cancer

I have sat here for about an hour trying to figure out how to start this newest and probably most difficult blog post I have ever had to write. I hate having to tell bad news and I hate the thought of anyone being upset but like I have always said I feel like God has me on this journey for a reason and if some how my journey can help or positively affect someone by showing the grace and mercy of our Lord and Savior then I will do it.  And so with that here goes nothing........it is with the heaviest of heart that I have to reveal my latest diagnosis of Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer. 
To make a long story short.....I will tell you that it all started when I had to pull over to the side of the road on Christmas Eve while driving with my nephew because my eyes were bothering me.  I have been seeing what many call "floaters" in my eyes for months now....however, these are very common symptoms of migraines but on this particular night the "floaters" I saw completely took over my vision and by the time I pulled into a neighborhood and parked the car.....I blacked out.  Thanks to my "hero" and amazing nephew  who flagged down some residents of the neighborhood and then called 911.   I was then transported by ambulance to a local hospital where a CT scan was done on my head and 3 lesions were discovered. One on the occipital lobe, one on the cerebrum, and one on the frontal lobe.

I was then transported to another hospital that had neurologists that could see me. So by the time I got settled into the hospital it was almost 5 am on Christmas Eve.....but as always we made it eventful.....
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A funny pic that my Fav Nicole Took of Me :)

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Me and My Amazing Niece Kailea...We r Rock Stars!

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Canister Full of Radioactive Dye....FANTASTIC! LOL

Later on in the week I had a PET scan of my entire body and met with my oncologist.  The news he gave me was a little more than what we were expecting.  For those that don't know during a PET scan you are injected with radioactive dye  out of a canister and I of course had to take a pic......and the dye lights up in your body where there is active disease.  Unfortunately... along with the tumors in my brain there was evidence of active disease in my liver (Cancer), my hip, my tail bone, and my sub-sternal lymph nodes (lymph nodes that run down next to your trachea)


While yes I try to always find a way to have fun with it all I would be lying if I told you I was not still in shock and trying to process how just last week I was stressing about where I wanted to apply to finish my Bachelors in Nursing and this week.....I am contemplating what my life may now begin to look like.  The good and bad things about having cancer previously is that I have a great support system of cancer posse and survivors to turn to but I also know what life battling cancer looks like and I know how difficult the journey I am about to embark on is going to be.  A friend sent me this verse this morning and it was so perfect to how I feel
" I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and He heard me. He set me free from all my fears." Psalm 34:6
So the plan for now is this......I am to start full brain radiation in attempts to shrink the tumors TOMORROW.  I dont' know how I feel at this point....I feel like I am still processing the major shift my life has suddenly taken.  But I know I will wake up in just a few hours and I will do my best to face tomorrow with the peace that my God has promised me that surpasses all understanding.  Am I afraid YES....but do I still trust in my never failing, ever lasting God....YES and do I believe in miracles and the healing power of Jesus....YES!  I am also starting on two different chemo pills, Tykerb and Xeloda....a whopping 11 pills a day....EXCITING STUFF! lol.  I am also going for a bone scan on Thursday and praying for good results :)
Some have asked if I will be doing IV chemo and radiation but my oncologist has explained that you can not do IV chemo and full brain radiation at the same time because it can cause you to go toxic.  So for now we do one thing at a time and we will start with the brain...doing 15 straight days of  Full brain radiation followed by a MRI to see if that radiation has shrunk the tumors and then we will move on from there.

I know God has heard ever scream and caught every tear I have cried over this past week because believe me I will be honest and tell you there have been many.  To say I have an amazing family and friends who have sat with me, cried with me, listened to me, and just been there for me would be an understatement.  I will never EVER be able to repay all the love I have seen over just the past week....but I will spend my lifetime trying to repay it.

Listening and Waiting

So in my mind I had already written this post......I laid out for myself how I was going to write without sounding too sad that I had cancer again on my other side.  However, the Lord works in mysterious ways and he had another plan.  To explain the whole situation let me take you back a few weeks ago.

I of course had to take my normal Kung Foo Fighting Pic before my Mammogram lol

I had just gone in for my routine 6 month mammogram and was thrown for a loope when I was told I was also scheduled for my routine MRI.  You see I HATE MRIs because I am highly chlosterphobic and so putting me in a hole for almost half an hour tends to freak me out.  I tend to deal with it better if I cry and freak out about it at home so by the time I get there I've pretty much worn myself out....pitiful yes....but did it work.....you bet it did! lol 
Well a few days after the MRI I got a call from the radiologist saying that a small area had shown up on the MRI on my remaining left breast.  So I immediately knew what that meant......a MRI biopsy....aka "worst fear"!  I know many out there who read this blog and know many others with cancer probably may not realize the pain and suffering that goes into the tests doctors perform on us to determine if we have cancer.  One of the worst I can think of is bone marrow biopsies and liver biopsies....they are extremely painful.  With an MRI biopsy they not only put you in a hole while your face down....they then proceed to jab a needle in your chest filled with lidocaine, which by the way burns like non-other, and then if you move they have to start all over again.  The whole process takes about 45 minutes and for me is torture.  I prayed, I cried, and I talked to my most amazing friends, nurses and family about it until I was blue in the face and I agreed to do it.  I gave myself enough benadryl to make me too tired to cry and then I took some valium so pretty much I was a walking Zombie but by the grace of God I can say I made it through it.  A few days later the radiologist called saying it was just scar tissue and that I was in the clear.
And then the strangest thing happened after I hung up the phone......I wasn't filled with happiness I was filled with so many emotions that all I could do was cry.  You think to yourself...gah...you must be crazy.  I felt like I had made the people I had told feel sorry for me when really there was nothing wrong.....like I had thrown a pitty party for myself and I was sick about it.  And you see.....I want to have reconstruction at some point and I have contemplated letting them take my other breast but if you've never done it let me tell you that giving permission for a doctor to cut off a part of your body is a heartbreaking thing to do and I felt like I needed a sign.....and for me I was going to take this new situation as God's way of telling me that I needed to have the breast removed and now I didn't have a clear sign anymore and I felt like I was lost...AGAIN!  Cancer is a funny and horrible thing.......you let them cut you and then you agree to let them cut you again to fix what they orginally cut in the first place.  It leaves you confused and wondering which way to go. 
I've finally reached the point where I can look at the myself in the mirror and see the slash that goes across my chest where a breast once stood....however...I don't look for long because my heart breaks all over again.  I've said it before and it still stands true...I can't wait for the day when I  see my savior and he makes me new.... and fixes what cancer has taken from me.  I'm in a weird place......I want to feel like a woman again....but I don't want to be cut on.  I want God to sit down with me in person.....I want him to clearly tell me what to do.......but you see that is probably my problem......in all the words I have just typed I have just typed the words "I want".  And the truth is I need to just sit and listen to what he wants.  I am kind of fearful about posting this because well one of my biggest fears is people just being there because they feel sorry for me.  I've had it happen and if you've ever been sick I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  So let me say this while what I went through wasn't the easiest thing ever there are people that have it worse......people's whose suffering is waaayyy beyond mine or anything I can imagine.  But I've learned that its ok to admit that what you are going through is tough even if there are those that have it worse.  I think this quote says it best "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain".  While for some I know the storm may not be from cancer but  I know that life can sometimes seem like all its doing is raining down on you.  In those moments I always think of a song from casting crowns that is based off of Psalm 121 and its says "I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from, my help comes from the Lord the maker of Heaven and Earth"
Like I said in the beginning the Lord works in mysterious way and his thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways not my ways and so for now I will sit and listen to the one voice I need to hear above all others.
"I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands." Psalm 31:25-15
Oh and one last thing...when you say your prayers tonight would you say one for my dear friend Karson and her Husband Jason.  She is in the Young Cancer Survivor Group that I go to and has been battling metastatic breast cancer for over 2 years and after too many surgeries she is having to do chemo again....UGH!  I tear up just talking about her...she and her husband are two of the sweetest and most humble people I have ever had the priveledge of knowing. :)  Check out her CaringBridge blog! :)




We Love Smores! :)



Me and Karson


Also I have a few other friends who are battling reoccurrence Mandy and Leslie. Here we all are at the cancer camp we went to in Colorado.

Oh and my sweet friend Morgan who I met through my blog she is only 19 and battling breast cancer. 

Race For The Cure :)

So we recently had the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure  and Buddy's Race For The Cure and WOW looking back on the pictures what a difference a year makes. I am beyond grateful for another year to celebrate survival with those I love.  I am also so blessed to have people come out and show their support at the race.  You know when you really think about it no one is obligated to be there for you when you're sick.  No one HAS to call you, or send letters, texts, emails, facebook messages, etc.  And the fact that people actually do this really blows me away and well brings tears to my eyes.....God has truly blessed me.  And now that that teary moment is over (lol) here's some fun pics from the race :)

Stretching Before the Walk lol

Me and Chemo Bear :)

Team Keep HOPE Alive :)

Me and Stefani (Survivor Buddies)

Survivors and Our Survivor Co-Chair (lol) Lucilla

Your MAN Reminder

So my friend had this posted on her facebook page and I just had to share.  Hope it puts a little laughter in your day like it did mine.  Oh and if you have an iphone there's even an app to go along with it....lol :)

1st Hair Cut

I also had another milestone in my cancer journey....I got my first Hair Cut.  My sweet friend Chris cut it for me and it was a special moment.  Its been almost 2 years since I've had my hair cut and I will say you don't appreciate things like a simple hair cut until you dont' have the hair to cut.  It's a small victory in the battle but you celebrate the small things and that is what I try to do. I am so thankful for sweet friends that will take the time out of their day to give a simple, yet amazing hair cut. The one thing I thank god the most for is having the ability to roll down the window on nice fall days, turn my music up, and let the wind hit my HAIR and not care that's its gonna mess it up.  God can teach you so much from the little things in life if we just take the time to listen :)

My Friend Chris and I

My Attempt At Trying to Show my Hair Cut

Michael Jackson Called He Wants His Glove Back ;)

Well I realize that I have officially been the biggest slacker of them all when it comes to updating my blog. So far life has been moving along at a pretty fast pace and sometimes at certain points I forget that I was ever sick.  However, chemo and cancer being the two trouble makers that they are.....have made it so that I would not forget about them that easily.  About six months ago I began to notice that I was having some swelling in my hand on my "cancer side".  I tried to ignore it because well honestly I flippin hate going to the doctor....it takes up my day and is kinda depressing because its a reminder that well I've had cancer.  So all my ignoring came to a halt when I looked down at my right hand one day and noticed you could not longer see the tendons in my hand like you could on my left hand and that I had no knuckles when I bent my hand.  I figured at this point that I should go see the lymphedema doctor that I had been to before.  So after a quick examination of my hand and some
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"Fat Hand" as I call her is on the Left

measurements of my hand and arm she told me that the slight case of lymphedema that had one just been in my arm had now moved to my hand.  So for the past couple months we have tried different wrappings that were ineffective in treating the lymphedema in my hand.  For those that do not know what lymphedema is, it is caused when your lymphatic system is compromised.  With me the compromise in my system happened when I had 20 lymph nodes removed over less than 1 year in 2 different surgeries.
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"No Kuckle Fat Hand" lol

Your lymph system serves as a filter for your body and so when you do not have the nodes anymore to filter the lymph or "dirt" like i think of it, the lymph backs up in your body and for me it has gone into my hand.  Believe me I know it could be worse but as 26 year old woman it is beyond frustrating having your hand wraped up swollen and hurting all the time.  After a few weeks of unsuccessful wrappings that did not decrease the swelling the doctor determined my hand was not edematous (filled with fluid) like most people but was actually fibrotic scar tissue, which is alot more difficult to fix.
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Attempt #1 at Being Like Michael Jackson

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My Michael Jackson Hand lol

As you can see they have tried a few different wrapping techniques.....which are all fine and well until you try and wash your hands....and oh wait...U CAN'T!  The tape you see on my arm in the above picture is called Kinesio tape which is designed to pull at the lymph vessels, which are directly below the surface of the skin, and help stimulate the lymph vessels to help move the fluid out of my hand.  They have also put the tape across my back and side because they was also fluid collection there too.  Who knew messing with your lymph nodes could cause such problems???  I would have posted pics of the tape on my side and back but I decided that I didn't wanna scar people with those kinda pics...lol...let's just say I never miss breakfast lol ;)  So for now I have an awesome looking glove and sleeve that I wear that looks alot better than all these wrappings......it was only about $500 for the set.....thank you Jesus for insurance! So why there are reasons for me to be frustrated I try and stay positive.  My hand is a constant reminder of the battle I have fought but its just a glove on my hand and if that's all I gotta wear at this point I'll take it and pray for peace in my day to day frustrations.  After a while I have found humor in it all...for example...almost every old person looks at my hand and asks if I have arthritis and before I can say "no" they start asking where they can get an arthritis glove like mine...lol.  Needless to say I have found a way to keep the conversations like that to a minimum...and they go a little like this
Customer:  Oh wow...is that an arthritis glove?
Me: well......
Customer:  me, my mom, and my sister all have arthritis and I'd love to have one of those
Me:  well actually my hand just swells sometimes so its a compression glove...
Customer:  Oh u mean like from carpal tunnel?
Me:  Well no...but you know you might check your local walgreens I hear they have great selections of arthritis gloves
Customer: oh wow..thank you
Now that ladies and gentlemen is the way to stop the conversation b/f they tell the rest of their life story lol
At first I was frustrated with the way every customer asked me what happened to my hand...my favorite line was always when they asked if I'd burned my hand??? I'd say no but think to myself "well if I had burned myself I appreciate how you drew attentions to it but asking me lol".  You gotta love working with the public they are sooo entertaining.  But you know God has a reason for everything and if this glove allows me to share my story with one person and glorify God in it all then well that's ok by me :)

Awake To the Moments

Seems lately I feel like I've spent a lot of time wishing parts of my life back.  I miss my child hood days when I can't remember what I was even worried about....when my biggest fear was who was I gonna sit next to at lunch time or if the cute boy at school like me.  Today seems so far from the simple days of my childhood.......I feel like the second I'm forgettin about one problem I'm thinking about another....wondering what life holds for me. I've had some lonely moments her recently and one of my bestest friends recently told me....your trying to do it all by yourself....you've got to give it to God.  I know we all feel alone and this is definitely not a pity party for Sarah post because I know we all feel alone sometimes...no matter what your going through.  I came upon this video today and read this verse in my devotions last night.....hope u enjoy :)
Matthew 6:34
"So don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today"