Sunday, October 3, 2010

School and Such

I've debated for a while whether to try and tell the story of what happened with me and school on my blog.  And I've gone back and forth with it about whether it really comes into play with my cancer but after alot of thought and after it has continued to play out into the treatment I have decided to share the story.  My hope is that everyone reads this and 1.)Never treats anyone one the way I was treated and 2.)  Learns what I learned all too late:  there are many people in the world who don't care about anyone but themselves and sometimes especially in programs like nursing you have to watch out for you and you alone because when it comes down to it the teachers really dont' care how much you care about the patients or how great of a nurse you are.....its all about numbers and the bottom line.  But don't mistake the fact that while you do need to watch out for yourself it should never get in the way of helping others.
So here goes
Last Year as many know on May 25, 2009 my father passed away from leukemia.  What you may not know is that I was enrolled at the time at Lincoln Memorial University here in knoxville and I was taking the OB class that summer and was scheduled to gratuate the following december.  3 weeks into the class was when I got the call that the hospital that dad was in major organ failure and the hospital had done all they could for my father and they were releasing him into hospice that day.  He last about 72 hours before passing away. After wards we had to plan the whole funeral and deal with everything that comes along with loosing a parent all while trying to pass my OB class.  By the time the class was over I was struggling with my dad's death and was having hard time studying and missed the 80 I needed in the class by 0.6 points.  I had re-taken a class when I first started the program but was taking one class at a time to make sure I wasn't putting too much on myself while trying to do school and work and to assure my success in the program.  I met with my teacher who initially acted like she wanted to help me only to say in the end "Maybe you need to do some soul searching" response was "I dont' need to search any where my father died....that's what happened".
I then met with the Dean of LMU's  nursing program,  Mary Ann Modercin, who told me that "Sometimes things happen to people like they get cancer and they don't pass our program and I really hate it for them but there's nothing I can do" and when I told her that the only reason I didn't pass was because my father suddenly died she responded with "Well also sometimes things happen to people that they consider important like their dog dies and they don't make it either.....and once again there's nothing I can do".  Now don't think I didn't respond and question the woman on the fact that she just compared my father's death to a dog dying and it was at that point she tried  to take back what she said and told me I misunderstood her. 
   My next step was the president of the school who was a very nice man and obviously wanted to help me.  However, I knew the problem would arise once he met with the dean.  It ended up I had send him a copy of my father's obituary to prove that my father actually died after the class began because the dean told him that he died before the class began.  After weeks of giving him all the information he requested I was told that he met with the dean and my teacher and they were not willing to help me because they were afraid I wouldn't pass the class if I tried to retake it, which I knew was just an excuse they were making because it was pretty clear from their words and actions before they could care less what happened to me.  The whole reason all this happened was because I was blind-sided by the death of my father.....if I had known that things were gonna go so down hill for him I never would have taken that class.  Well needless to say I was depressed and awstruck about the whole situation.  One semester from getting my RN and now I am forced to begin again.
Here I am tryin to finish my fight with cancer and I"m faced with a few heartless women and a program who is supposed to teach students to care for patients but have no compassion for the students they are trying to teach this too.  I knew I only had a few options because once your in one nursing other program in the state will look at you, though I should add the dean did tell me I could pack my things and go to another state and try there.  So after much prayer I decided to step down a notch and enter a 12 month LPN program. When I graduate in August I will be allowed to redo my last year in the nursing program and get my BSN.  Depressing, heartbreaking, failure are just a few words I can use to describe how I've felt.  Having to re-explain multiple times the heartbreak and pain of my father's death tore me down to my very core. And I wondered what God's plan could potentially be for me in all of this.  I can honestly say I hope no one ever treats these women like they have done me if they ever experience anything like what I have.
A good friend told me to remember that God puts us where he needs us to work and that I needed to remember to not look at this program as just LPN but to look around my class and look for those people who are interested in knowing my story and what I have been through and in that process I can share my faith with them and they can hear how God is working in my life and how amazing he truly is.  That really moved me and has helped me not to feel sorry for myself and to see the good that can come out of all of this.  He told me that his old coach used to tell him "God honors hard work" and I believe that too. I know what your thinking that guy's got some pretty good I of course had to share it on here...sometimes it takes another person's point of view to really help you see the other side of things.   I know other people have worse situations but people's feelings of failure are something that is universal and something we have all felt.
I chose to go back to school even though I'm still in active treatment with Herceptin because I wanna live while I"m here.  I wanna be able to say I did more with my life than survive cancer and if your a survivor you can understand what I mean.  Many times it seems like everything in my life revolves around cancer and it can be so depressing at times.

I started back school on September 1st and I work 4 nights a week and go to school 8 to 3 everyday. I can honestly say I'm exhausted but I feel better now than every because I feel like I'm taking some of my life back.  Another friend of mine had a quote that I just love
 " I'm reaping the harvest God promised me, taking back what the devil stole from me." 
 That's what I'm trying to do.  I dont' want sympathy for my situation I just want people who are in worse situations or feel depressed like they are in a rut that  they feel like they can't get out of....there is hope.  People are always going to disappoint you and many times as I have seen shock you with their lack of compassion.  Its only human nature to think only of ourselves and not of others.  But I'm reminded how God is the perfect example of how we should be...he thought only of US when he came down to die and suffer for us and our sins. 
Many times I sit and class and I can feel satan's hand come over me and tell me what a failure I am as I sit and re-do eveyrthing I've already stupid I must be for not passing one simple class by 0.6. One semester from graduating and here I sit starting at the beginning. I do not know everyone's problems that may read this blog but I do know that there are many stuggling with the pain of feeling like a failure like I do.  But I want to tell you....dont' listen to that voice.  God has a plan for you even though you might not be able to see it right now.  I'll keep you up to date on how this new journey God has me on is going....I know he wouldn't give me more than I can handle and he wouldn't lead me down a road that he wasn't walking with me on.  I also found a video that I found went right along with this post.  It's about a young woman who is an abortion's an amazing story......and it made me realize that God really does have a plan for everyone....even the tinny little babies.  Watch the amazing story and consider the things in your life where your not sure how God can use you or what your purpose in life is.  After watching this I hope you'll see that everyone including yourself has a plan for their lives.....God's always had a great plan for your life. 

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