Mammograms, Ultrasounds, and Kung Foo Fighting...say WWHHHATTT!!

So last week I went for my 1st  mammogram and ultrasound since surgery.  I had to take a picture of the biopsy table.....while its easy to see this as a sad place I choose to see it as a place where I was lucky enough, while on this table, to be surounded by amazing radiologists and during every biopsy a nurse named Lisa stood holding my hand...she is the amazing, wonderful, kind, and the most humble nurse anyone could ask for. Now keep in mind that the moment I see a needle tears come to my eyes..I've been known to make more than one nurse cry...I'm pretty pitiful...I'll admit lol.....but Lisa has cried with me during every moment......and I choose to be happy that even though I hate needles and biopsies I was surrounded by love during all of my ordeals :)

So back to the real story....the mammogram and ultra-sound were of course clear like they always are......and I was of course was  relieved.   However, I won't lie.....I don't really "trust" the mammograms or ultrasounds....the only time they have picked up something on the mammogram or ultrasound is after I found it! I will say I am so unbelievable thankful for all the people at KCBC....when I say anyone and everyone I meet there is always smiling....always so warm and caring to me and though I know I don't always say it...it means so much to be some-where that people genuinely care about patients...I try and remember their kindness when I am frustrated at work...I try and be to other what they have been to me...a blessing...a smile to brighten their day. So while anxiety ran high while waiting to go back and I did have some relief that everything was clear. I even had time to realize that my sumo robe made me look like a Kung Foo Fighter...don't you agree ha ha



Everybody was Kung Foo Fighting :)


 I realize that I struggle with being afraid that I will live the rest of my life in fear of what the future holds. But then I think....doesn't everyone live like that in some way. Fear is a part of life.......but its trusting that this life is not the end that there's something greater after it...that there's a God whose bigger than anything I or you may ever go through. :) WOW...its easy to write....but harder to fathom. A friend that I have gained through my blog wrote me an email the other day....it moved me so much I have to share because its an honest depiction of some of the thoughts those who have had breast cancer have:


"As much as I KNOW God is in control of my life, I wish just once He would put skin on and sit next to me and TELL me OUT LOUD that He’s there. We put these masks on for others, but inside, it’s hard to find the why, the purpose, and the “rest of your life” in it all. Boy, I didn’t mean for this to sound down and dreary. But I want you to know that, in a world of people who say “everything will be fine” that there are those of us who understand the human side, those of who have been there, lost a boob, and look at that scare and wonder. . . ."

We all wonder...and I wonder if it will always be like this.  Everyday I have to wake up and think I'm alive...God didn't want me yet....he has a purpose for my life.......I just have to choose to trust him and take it one day...one step at a time :)  I hope everyone who reads this can listen to the video I posted below.......when I first heard thing song I was brought to tears..the chorus to the song says it all :) No matter what your going through I hope today you feel God's love and his arms surrounding you...no matter what the situation :)

"Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

 

Suffering and healing

So there something I've been wanting to write about on my blog for a while now.  I've had a hard time trying to figure out exactly what and/or how to say it...without sounding like a big ole complainer.  But I feel like I could not have an honest blog about what its been like to go through breast cancer without writing about this.  Many know that I had a right sided mastectomy last November.  And for those that do not know what a mastectomy is...it means that my right breast was removed..........seems its alot easier when I use a big word to describe what actually was done.......b/c when I have to explain what that means many time I feel tears filling my eyes.  At dinner recently with a close friend I had to explain to her what mastectomy meant......and it didn't matter that we were in the middle of a restaurant....the tears flowed freely between us both when the reality of what had happened was set on the table.  The thing is thousands of women unfortunately have to have this done every year and I hate it...I wish there was another way.  Everyone experiences it in different ways....for some they get it done....and move on....on just keep it to themselves but for others such as myself...it seems I can't get away from it.  I still find it excruciating to look at myself in the mirror....I usually stand on my left side so when I see myself I will look "normal".  I have a prosthesis or "foob" (fake boob) as I like to call it and it has helped alot to improve myself esteem.  My only problem is that sometimes u can see it in tank tops.
I say all that to say this....I have found in the past few weeks that I'm angry. Almost like I'm angry with God.....but why? he didn't do that to me.  I know in my heart God didn't create cancer.  But I'd be lying if I didn't admit I have questioned him.......why couldn't this have waited until after I had children....until I was older...I mean why was putting my breast on the chopping block the only way.  I combine my frustrations with having cancer twice and then have to bury my father and brother in less than 3 years. I feel like I am just waiting on the next horrible thing to happen...like I'm awaiting the next goodbye I will have to say to a loved one. Its all a little over whelming for me when I stop and think about it.  I wanna feel sorry for myself.....I want pity...but most of all I want it to  have NEVER happened.  But the cold hard truth is that it did happened  and the truth is no matter what age its unfair...plain and simple.  I find the anger wells up inside me many times I just go to sleep to distract myself from the pain.  I have been approved for reconstruction and in August after I graduate I plan on doing the first surgery.  Though my head says "yea now you can get on the road to feeling proportional again".....my heart says "ugh...another surgery...ur gonna let them cut you AGAIN"  For the type of surgery I need they will have to cut my back open and move the muscle to the front to create a breast.  The thought brings tears to my eyes and a sickness in my stomach.  Until August I am gonna be in deep prayer that I can come to a peace about this.  My last surgery was so "unpeaceful" that I'd like to have a little less anxiety about this one. 
After I have said all of that I say this......its times like these when I tell my God...my father...my friend....my frustrations that I feel like I understand the truth meaning of having a relationship with God....spending time with him........being honest with him and trusting that he knows what he's doing and he is with u....even in ur darkest times of trouble.  I want everyone to know that  no matter what you are suffering through at the moment know its ok to take time to grieve, to feel sorry for urself....its ok to just take some time for u.  Do I think time has healed my wound...NO...but do I think Jesus can heal my wound...those physical and emotional YES!  There will come a day when all the hurting and sadness of this world will be gone...though many times I wonder if that day will every really come.  This week God gave me the perfect verse for all my fears:
 Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain, All these things are gone forever"
  I was also recently was given this bible verse and it really spoke to me and what I am going through right now....
1 Peter 5:10 "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you in a firm foundation"

If I Had My Life To Live Over by Erma Bombeck

I was just sent this by a friend and loved it so much I had to share.......

IN honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.


IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck


(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).


I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.


I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.


I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.


I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.


Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle..


When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later... Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's, more 'I'm sorry's.'


But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute; look at it and really see it; live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us...

26 years of Gratitude

So recently I celebrated my 26th birthday.  I can honestly say this year is dramatically different than any other year.  Last year I was in the middle of chemo....hardly able to eat a meal.  This year I was able to enjoy not one but two birthday cakes.  WOW.....what a difference a year can make.  There have been times I forgot what it was like to be able to just eat whatever I wanted on special occasions....b/c of the major stomach problems that chemo caused me and I found it funny that this year one of the things I was most grateful for was the ability to eat my favorite thing....ICING! It sounds so simple but when u loose control of things in your life you never really took the time to think about before....and then you finally get them back you are so appreciative for them. 

   

My whole class  at school threw me a surprise birthday party...needless to say when I walked into the room decorated with Cinderella, a table full of food and a projector screen playing "A dream is a wish your heart makes" the tears flowed freely. Just FYI in case you didn't know or realize I absolutely LOVE Cinderella...hopin one day to make my 1st trip to disney world to meet her. lol I know its crazy I'm 26 and love cinderella but I say it makes me smile and everyone has a kid inside them :)

 Who am I to deserve this........I was and am overwhelmingly grateful for a classroom full of amazingly sweet people who would open their hearts and think of me on my birthday......its definitely more than I deserve and I could not thank them enough.  I also got a night with some of my best friends...to just celebrate my b-day :)  But the biggest thing that I was appreciative of on my birthday this year was.....my life.  It  almost sounds generic but after being told I have cancer twice in less than 1 year....I feel blessed to be alive.  The results of my second round of tests could have easily been worse........but God was there and is still here. Did I have to loose a part of me to save myself...yes....but I remember God says he is with us to the ends of the earth.  I mean even when Jonah was swallowed by a whale he could not escape from God......I know  he walked with me, held my hand, and caught all my tears.....and this year on my birthday I give him the glory for giving me another year to live, laugh, and love.  I hope this year I can do as much as I can for other...to show his love....to give back a some of the  extraordinary love I have been show. :)

Pill Pill Pills...Can U Take My Pills

So after my 2nd diagnosis and mastectomy....my doctors opted not to do chemo and to keep me on the Herceptin and have me begin to take a drug called Tykerb.    The tykerb ended up having a $800 co-pay on it with my insurance (it was $3600 a bottle).........I was in shock when they told me that price! Fortunately I got on a patient assistance program that paid all of it for me...thank the lord.  I started taking Tykerb right after my mastectomy....5 pills a day.  Combine that with the other pills I take for hot flashes and my estrogen blocking pill and a pill for sleep...i was taking a total of 10 pills a day.  Although I would much rather take pills than chemo it was a little over whelming for me.  Well I finished the pills up a few weeks ago and for now my oncologist just wanted to "watch me" and wants me to continue taking my tamoxifen and hot flash medication.  It's kind  funny cause I'll tell people when I start turning red that I'm having a hot flash and many women will look at me like I"m crazy and I'll be like "no seriously I am" but it's obvious they don't be lieve me lol until I explain everything to them.   I have told my doctor that I'm still pretty worried b/c when I was on meds to prevent cancer I was re-diagnosed and now they just wanna take me off those meds and "watch me"....I mean SERIOUSLY! I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm a little afraid of what could lie in my future. I know it's just satan toiling with my head but still he gets to me sometimes lol. I trust that God's got it under control but I'm only human and I fear the unknown....but when u think about it...its things that like that truly test and strengthen ur faith b/c I know I don't put my trust in stupid chemo....I trust my doctors of course...but I put my full trust in my heavenly father b/c trusting in the things of this world will only let me down......but having an eternal perspective makes everything clearer to me.  So for now I'm happy to enjoy the sunshine and the snow :)

WOOO HOOO LAST HERCEPTIN!

So I have celebrated many things in the past few months and one huge thing was my last IV herceptin treatment.  It was a bittersweet thing and yet scary all at the same time.  Beginning in Febuary 3, 2010 I began taking Herceptin as a part of my chemotherapy treatment every wednesday. In May when my chemo was over I started doing Herceptin every 3 weeks.  This drug never really made me sick or made my hair fall out......it was actually not bad at all...which is kind weird for me to say that about any medication that has to do with cancer but really Herceptin never affected me.  After I started school in september I would go after class and get my treatment and then head to work.  So on January 20 2011 when I received my last treatment I realized what a big step for me it was. I went through and counted it and I have had 27 treatments of herceptin........27 times I have sat in that chair....27 times I have watched as new women came and sat down next to me......27 times I have sat in a room that to many may seem dark and many times I saw it that way....but I'm here to tell you there's a light at the end of the tunnel. You see I look at cancer and my treatments as small milestones. You celebrate every victory, no matter how small you celebrate....because life is too short not to enjoy it and laugh and smile as often as possible.    That big treatment room held so many memories for me both good and bad.  I've grown up in there in a way.....I'm definitely not who I was the first day I walked in there over a year ago........terrified of my first chemo treatment and what the future would hold.  I could never have imagined what life would bring.  For my last treatment a bunch of the nurses dress up in silly costumes and gather round you and sing "Hit the Road Jack"....I'm workin on gettin the video but for now I have a few pics. As they began to sing the song my angel nurse Jenny in her Regae outfit accompanied w/dread locks began to cry and of course I did to.....they were happy and hopeful tears......tears of the times we had spent together and hard times she had helped me through. You also get a "survivor" hat and of course my sweet mommie brought me a cake. Can't imagine how I would have gotten through this without her.  As of right now my future is still uncertain.......but I know its all in the hand of my gracious and loving heavenly father who plans for me are bigger and better than any I can see.  For now I press on......and have faith in a God who I know is the one true physician. :)

Agito Presents: "The World Should Know Her Name"

Soooo "The World Should Know Her Name" event at the Knoxville Museum of Art was SUCCESS!  If I could only tell you the outpooring of love I saw that night...it was amazing.  I am not sure how much money was raised for Thompson Cancer Center's "Thompson Cares" fund which give money to those going through chemo for bills and other expenses....but I'm sure it was alot. :)  I believe I was awe struck when while being escorted down the stairs I saw my picture hanging on the wall...it was one amazing night!