In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.
So last wednesday I had my port surgery...which went very well. The doctors had a hard time finding my veins. There was this Chinese lady trying to put my IV in and I told her before she started I had bad veins that roll. But for some reason everytime I tell the doctor that they don't seem to belive me till they see it for themselves. So I just sat back and watched it happen. After the 1st time she couldn't get it in she says "Everytime I numb your vein it dissappear"...I"m yea...they ROLL!!! Now while the nurse is playing in my arm the anesthesiologist is trying to ask me questions and stuff and after about 30 seconds of her trying to talk while the nurse is still playing in my arm I look at her and say "Ok can we do the questions after she finds my vein cause I am not listening at all to what your saying or the questions ur asking" lol. She's like "oh yea yea sure". If you have ever tried to hold a serious conversation with someone while another person has a needle in ur arm....its a serious skill and one I quickly learned I was not good at. lol.
So she FINALLY finds my vein after what seems like an eternity and I begin grilling the anesthesiologist about whether I'm gonna be "all the way" to sleep and she says not totally. So if you know me you know my big concern is "Am I gonna feel anything and Is it going to hurt?". One I asked that the nursing that was previously playing in my arm replies "Oh you be sleep...we give you Michael Jackson drugs except you wake up". I laughed but I'm still thinkin great....just great.....they just used Michael Jackson as a comparison to me...and in case we all dont' know....he's DEAD!! lol At the time it was pretty funny and I took it with a grain of salt. So right after this I look up and see my nurse Dan...who I wasn't too sure was a "REAL" nurse...he looked a little suspicious...I'm just saying...is shooting something into my IV...which in about 30 seconds I realized was Fentanl and Versad. If you have never had this...ur missing out cause its awesome lol. I was loopy and felt like I couldn't stop talking (which is nothing new for me) within about a minute.
So pretty much when it was over I kind of understood why Michael Jackson took this stuff to sleep cause I was asleep one minute and the next minute I was awake but I felt like I had slept good....I mean I was still groggy but nothing compared to how I was when I had my first surgery.
Also, I learned a very good leason this day......no matter how much u "Think" u want one Chick Fil-A milkshakes are NEVER a good idea right after surgery.......I learned that very quickly. All in all the surgery went well. I was pretty sore for the 1st few days but the soreness has worn off. However, my port is a huge reminder of the cancer I have and sometimes I find it hard to look at in the mirror. It's what I call a "cancer marker" kind of like loosing your hair. Its something that everyone can see....I can sometimes not hide it under my shirt when I go out and it can even been seen in many of my regular shirt. I have also tried on many of my summer shirts and my bathing suits and its very visible. Coming to the realization that not only am I about to go through chemo but realizing that I now had a "cancer marker" and I was probably gonna get some looks when I go out because my port is visible is honestly pretty hard to take. I am a girl and looks are important to me to a certain extent. But I stepped back and looked at this situation and realized maybe I was being too self consumed....I mean is all I think about is a person's outward appearance...espcially my own? I have always said its what on the inside that counts and now when it came down to it....I acted no better than those I had preached to. I am human and I admit outward appearance is important to me but I feel more and more lately like maybe God is really using this to show me that "its not all about how you look". God can use even the smallest of situations to teach us things and I can feel him doing that with me now. I just pray I come out stronger because of it.
Later on it occurs to me..... How many people spend their whole lives with visible markings, handicapps, etc. that make other people want to stare at them. For example, one of the kids I have babysat for since I was 18 is in a wheel chair. Seems every where we go people stare at her and as they have gotten older I have seen how it affects her brothers and sisters as well as her. We go to the mall and people stop and stare or just stand there and look....many times I have held back tears and words as I tell her "people are staring like that because they dont' understand". How many times I must have said that......because then it was so easy for me to say because I wasn't the one being looked at. But now many years later, in a situation I never thought I would be in, here I stand getting just a taste of how she must feel and I must say it's an eye opening and humbling experience.
During all this I have been doing a study on faithfullness. The study I"m doing has focused alot on Abraham and his faithfullness to God. He was so faithful and trusting in God no matter what that at one point he was willing to go as far as to sacrifice his own son (which of course we know he didn't). But how many times have I said I trust in God' faithfulness to pull me through this situation....and then when it still came down to it...I was weak and I found it hard to let go of the things I knew and go the way God wanted me to. God obviously thinks I'm strong enough to handle all this...I just have to believe that to but I have to trust in him and seek him to help me daily see the joy in it all. I have found that through the many trial of people in the bible.....after it was all said and done those that were faithful to God in the hard time were actually stronger in God when it was all over and I hope I can say that when this is all over. Hebrews 11:8-19 lists nine qualities of Abraham's life of faithfulness. In verse 8 you see Abraham followed God even though he did not know where God was leading. Faith follows God through the mists of uncertain circumstances and times such as these. :)