Sunday, March 7, 2010

Give Me Revelation.....

So I know I should be updating this more often but I'm usually hesitant in doing so because I know it will take me forever because I tend to talk alot (which won't come as a surprise to those who know me lol) and so its takes me forever to write....but im workin on the whole "summary" thing...can't u tell ha ha. But So I have had my second treatment and it went well......not so well. I can usually feel it coming on and this time it hit me BIG time. I was so weak over the weekend I had a hard time walking or standing without feeling like I was going to fall or just pass one of my sister survivors said "I felt like I was almost too tired to breathe". I went to work monday and lasted about 45 minutes before I was told to go home. Coming upon my 4th day of plain exhaustion it was then I reached a very low point. I was on the couch with the blinds closed and I felt myself sinking into this horrible depression mode. There was nothing a doctor could call in for me to help me feel better, nothing I could eat, and it seemed like I could not sleep ENOUGH! It was at that moment I told myself if this ever came back I would not fight it.....I felt like I didn't want to do it anymore and really I have not been doing chemo that I thought this is horrible. I tell you all that to tell you was at that moment when I lay there with no where to turn that I knew there was only one place I could go....THE WORD. I walked to my room and got my bible and I read and I prayed and I cried. You see that moment was moment I know I will always remember because it was a moment when I truly needed Jesus......when I really can say he was all I had and he was what lifted me out of my depression. I mean WHAT WAS I THINKING......OF COURSE I'M GONNA FIGHT THIS......I WANNA LIVE.....and I wanna help others through this. I find now its so easy to go into the "debbie downer" mode and think poor me, why me. But let me say this...GOD IS BIGGER THAN THIS and even though in my dark moments I myself have trouble believing it but I know its true.  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" Phillippians 4:6
A woman came up to the register at work today and said "Hello....are u a chemo patient?".....I replied "Do I look that bad lol". She said "Oh no, my husband just got done with chemo and I am very observant." I told her my story and as I explained how the doctors told me this was caught early she said a few words that have stuck with me "YOU WERE MEANT TO LIVE". :) Wow.....I replied after she said that....I guess I was. This random woman had pretty much made my day and given me some more hope in my battle...thank you doesn't seem like enough.
"May the god of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13
I talk about my primary care physician being amazing as well....his wife is equally as awesome (picture below).  We are now both breast cancer survivors and sisters.  God is so amazing in his timing.  There is no denying his hand has been in all of this from the beginning. I mean seriously what's the odds the doctor that diagnosed me would have a wife who would have breast cancer?  What's also the odds that we would  go to the same place for treatment and at the same time every week?  He's amazingly wonderful and faithful to provide in all circumstances no matter how grim they may seem. 
"But Now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7

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