Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Trying to See the Light in the Darkness :)
So its been a pretty good week before treatment. Last week I got to go visit my aunt in Kingsport and spend the day with her. We actually went out to eat and I WAS HUNGRY...although I can't eat like I used to it was sooo awesome to actually be hungry and enjoy food.
It rained a few days this past week but I LOVE seeing the sunshine and being outside especially when I feel so good. I have to admit the closer I have gotten to this treatment the more stressed and some what lonely I got probably because the last treatment made me so sick and I hate the idea of going through the whole process again especially when I know I have no choice. When you feel bad from chemo and you can't go anywhere, as many survivors can atest to, it makes you feel lonely cause all your friends could come over and the truth is you feel so bad that last time I couldn't stand to talk or do anything besides sleep or lay around and it almost becomes a prison of your own misery and it is so lonely, its easy to feel sorry for yourself and I absolutely hate doing that...makes me frustrated with myself espcially when I know others have been through so much worse than me. I been praying alot and asking god to take my anxiety so that I can go into today's treatment with confidence that this is the means to an end. Thank God for my fellow survivor amber who met with me yesterday and just listened while I expressed my anxiety about today treatment. Its such a blessing beyond words to have and be able to talk to girls who have been through this. But today's treatment did go well my mom and step-mom came and they are so awesome to just come and sit with me.....because alot of the time I fall asleep but no matter what they are just sit there and dont' care just sitting there for support. THEY ROCK! :)
I have a really awesome story about a man at the Earth Fare super market today. While looking for cheese ( lol) my mom began talking to the man behind the counter and told him we were looking to change the processed foods I eat to more natural ones and she told him that I had cancer. I walked up a few minutes later and he told me they got alot of people in hats in there and that I looked really great in mine.
Might sound crazy but even with hats on people stare and I've gotten used to it but many times its hard because I feel like the freak because some people smile but some people hard core stare at me like I"ve got a booger on my face or somethin (lol). That might sound crazy and I dont' say it for pity I say it to be honest. As time has gone by I have adjusted but sometimes little things like that still affect me probably more than I should let them...I realize some people just dont' know any better so I try to be understanding.
But back to my story after getting the cheese I wanted I began to walk away and the man from behind the cheese counter came around and said "Mam he said can I ask you your name, your mother told me about how you are sick and I wanted to tell you that I'm gonna be praying for you and your gonna be fine....God is gonna heal you". I was so taken back by this man I almost didn't know what to say but Thank You. I held back the tears and shook his hand and asked him his name "Jon". WOW...I had never had anyone do that before but I can tell you that he was a blessing. You never know where God is gonna show up.....he's even in the cheese section at the grocery story....HE'S EVERYWHERE! I heard this song on the radio this past week and it moved me to tears and just reassured me that God is with me....he's already been there...he does know what I"m going through......and though the road is hard I've just got to hold on to him even if I dont' always feel like he's theres :)